How can I help a friend?

Question

My friend just had her divorce finalized about 2 weeks ago. She did not really want to go through with the divorce, she didn't think he would sign the papers. NOw she is crying all the time and wondering what he is doing . They did get together for a night of sex and now she thinks he needs to call her all the time and she is obsessed and always has been about his were abouts and if he is with someone. She has a 7 year old,(hers from a previous marragie)she tried to keep their night he was over a secret but he knew and now she has asked him to keep it a secret from his nana's. I don't know how to help her, She is on medicine and sees a counsiler but I don't know that any of that is working. She has always been with someone and she wants to be with him. She said that she only thinks and fantasizeds about him and always has.

Answer 1

It sounds like she made a big mistake and only she can fix it. Stop worrying yourself. She should not have offered the divorce papers. It sounds like she is sexually frustrated as well. She needs to find someone else. He may not want to come back too her once she asked for the divorce. He seems to be moving on and she should be as well.

Answer 2

That night of sex was a real mistake, wasn't it? The counselor is going to have to help her sort it out. A night of sex means nothing. He will go on and have a new love and new adventures and that is where seeing a counselor is going to be her lifeline.
I wouldn't ask the son to lie, though. It teaches a lesson to a 7-year-old that he shouldn't be learning. Let her take her lumps if nana finds out. Better yet, tell nana herself.
Her obsession with this ex is as hard for her to give up as a drug addiction, alcohol or smoking. Ask her if she would like to be known as a drug addict, an alcoholic or a (horrors!) smoker? She wouldn't. But her obsession is one addiction she thinks she can get away with 'in the name of love.' She can't. It doesn't work that way. When she catches herself stalking him, she should realize then that she's gone 'over the edge.'

Answer 3

First of all, her divorce is still VERY fresh. Couples who get divorced go through stages of grief similar to those who lose a spouse through death.

The best thing you can do for her is simply be there. Distract her, try to get her mind off of him. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a relationship, but her being in counseling and on medication is a good step. Ask her casually if she has mentioned this to her counselor... if she hasn't, encourage her to.

In the meantime, just be a friend. If she is becoming obsessed and that's all she talks about, suggest a girl's night out in which "no talking about exes or men is allowed." It might be a nice break for both of you.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I get the impression from what you said that she was the one who inititated the divorce in the first place. Women usually are. Your friend is not uncommon... she has problems with integrity and principals and common sense, like many people do. He's probably not much better if he's able to sleep with her after what she's done to him.

What both of them are doing to that child is the really sad part of the story.

She seems unstable... My only advice is to let her work this out for herself... eventually she'll come to terms with it. In the meantime, continue to be there for her, unless doing so is becoming detrimental to your well-being.

She wanted the divorce and then she was surprised he signed the papers. If her marriage meant so little to her that she was willing to risk officially ending it on a bluff, I pitty her next husband. You're friend is acting psycho... tell her if she really wants a chance at getting back together with this guy, she needs to stop trying to call him constantly, and pretend she is getting on with her life.... if she's lucky, and he's as foolish as he seems, he just might be her next husband himself, given enough time.

If that happens, your friend will simply divorce him yet again, but the next time she'll vindicate her ego in the process, because she won't be taken offguard by his response.

Good Luck!

p.s. You should probably chose your friends more carefully.

Answer 5

If the husband is not a bad guy and still loves and cares for her.. he might be the solution. In that case you could ask her to call him and the whole thing off... or you could call if there are ego issues goin on between them. Sometimes real love is wasted behind ego.

On the other hand, if you think that it wouldnt work out, tell her to move in with her family for sometime where she would get some real support and relief. She might get a better perspective eventually.

In any case, be there for her and give her the much needed perspective which she is not having now.

Answer 6

Well, that's what may have led to the divorce in the first place, the fact that she viewed him as an object for pleasure rather than a person to spend time with. Just, try to be that person that she wants to spend time with, and possibly she will see that as what she wanted all along. Just be the friend that knows what's going on in the background, but don't acknowledge it... just.... be a friend.. sometimes it's better than beign anything closer or an advice giver.... especially at a time like this...

Answer 7

From your description, I'm going to guess she filed for the divorce. If she didn't want to go through with the divorce why did she sign? HELLO! Now that it is official, she needs to get on with her life without him. That's real nice, breakup sex! That is only suppose to happen to non-married couples. He is a free man so he can do what he wants. She has a child to be concerned for. Her life should be about her son. What is she going to do if he does get with another woman? She can't do anything about it. It is a classic "you made your bed, now lie in it."

Answer 8

I'´ve heard about a lot of situations like this before. The problem is that many divorced women are practically trying to run away from their pain and their former men, by fleeing into the next relationship. Then they project all their needs and wishes into the next man they spend a night with or just get to know.

There's not much you can do or that I could recommend you to do. I was in a situation like your friend and it was terrible and painful to get out of it. After I split with my boyfriend I met a new man and felt 100% convinced (by myself) that he's the man for my life. I expected him to call me all the time and stuff.

Try to listen to her. Got out with her or spend nice movie evenings at home. I am sure this phase will end again, but till then you can only be a shoulder for her.

By the way, what got me out of my situation was meeting my baby, who I love so much. I am convinced it will help her, if she met new people, especially nice man, who treat her like a lady and respect her.

Answer 9

i have been divorced but am remarried. i know what she is going through. i feel her sadness. the first thing she needs to do is not sleep with him anymore. that will just make it harder on her. only time will help her and talking to someone like a counselor will help her. she should really spend quality time with her 7 year old and not worry about "being" with someone. her daughter should be her main focus right now. she should have a "girls nite" once in a while cause she does need girl time. you can help her by encouraging her and building up her self esteem. i am really into building up people's self esteem. there is life after divorce! she does not need a man by her side to define who she is. if she meets someone in time and falls in love that is great. but she needs to concentrate on herself and her daughter right now and start healing from the divorce. i wish her the best!

Answer 10

Just continue to be there for her. She is just going to have to try and keep her mind off him as much as she can. Time will heal all wounds. It probably doesn't seem that way now, but it will. Divorce is never easy and I really feel for her. If she continues to sleep with him she is only keeping the wounds open longer. Try to convince her that she really should stay away from him. He's only using her until he finds someone new.