What kind of questions should my fiance and I be asking ourselves before marriage?

Question

We met online and talked/wrote for nearly a year before meeting. Since then, we've lived together just over a year.

We've talked about the big stuff: kids, religion, fiances, sex and where to live.

While online, we also talked a lot about where and how we grew up and how that affected us, what bugs us and what we want out of general in life.

When we fight, we've talked about it and we're not having the same old fights all the time.

However, living together and being married might be different and it's sometimes the little things that can lead to conflict more so than the big things.

What do you wish you talked to your partner about before you married? What do you wish you new about your husband or wife before you tied the knot?

Did marriage change things and how? What do you wish you said or did differently?

What do you believe makes your marriage strong and work?

Any advice, thoughts, opinions, suggestions and/or websites would be appreciated. Thank you.

Answer 1

It sounds like you two have a good handle on things. Marriage does seem to throw some curve balls, but when set on a good foundation they are very manageable. With already living with him, you probably already know most of his quirks (like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, not hanging up his towels, ect ect) I'd say the only thing to remember is that communication and compromise are going to be extremely important. Have you thought about going to some type of pre-marriage counseling? Just to see if you've talked about it all? My husband and I did that, and it turned out to be a lot of fun on top of being helpful!! Best of luck to you in your marriage!!!

Answer 2

I married young to a boy I met in high school. I knew his negatives right up front and we went together for 5 years before we got married. What I wish I had known more about was how those negatives would affect me when I was in my 30's. He never changed, but I did. What was important to me when I was younger wasn't the same 20yrs later. And I matured and he did not. That caused a cycle of dissatisfaction that never went away. I wish I had realized that people do not change, you get what you get and as you age that can be intolerable. Someone who always puts their friends first may be ok when you are young and independent. But the same thing in a man who is almost 40 and now has a family will kill a relationship.

I would look at the things that find to be faults and try to see what the natural progression will be over time.

Frankly it sounds like you have a good foundation of communication already and that is the key. Good luck.

Answer 3

I think living together and marriage only differ in the perception - you know, everything begins in the mind ;)

The feeling in marriage is that two people are bound "forever" to strive after a happy life together. This thought might be scary for some, but to them I'd say "divorce" and remind them of the modern times we live in.

To the rest who find the thought of having somebody devote their dreams of the future to you to share and work on together, I'd say "ask what these dreams are!". Just know exactly what you both want from life. Find out how you feel about each other's interests, friends, relatives (unless you've already done this for the 2 years you've known each other). See also what things you don't want each other to be doing - drink, smoke, ride his ridiculously dangerous motorcycle ;) or if he doesn't want you to dye your hair in a certain colour, or meet with certain people, etc. This is important because it will help you see what freedoms you'll be giving each other, so that none feels restricted within the marriage.

It isn't so obliging and scary anymore to marry, it is more difficult to keep the marriage working well, and happy. And remember: there's one sure way to be miserable and it is to wonder if you're happy all the time ;) (someone famous said this, sorry I don't quote the name).

I wish you and your fiance the best of time together in your married life ;)

Answer 4

I wish I had know about all of her bad qualities: zero commitment, lying, cheating, stealing and on top of that passing herself off as the victim. These are things you don't see when your madly in love with someone. Marriage did change alot I got stuck doing most of the work around the house, kids and work. Things I could've done diffrently: Give her responsibility as a wife and a mother--as you cant see I blame myself for the monster I created. I believe what makes a marriage strong is being honest with your partner, no matter how bad the news is just be honest. Have compassion for each other. Always help each other out... If any problem arise go to any friend outside of the family for advice, because family member tend to make matters worst when dealing with certain issues. Good luck!

Answer 5

1) What does for better or for worse mean to you?
2) What would happen if I loose my job, or choose not to work anymore?
3) What if I have a terminal illness?
4) What if we can't have kids?
5) Would we stay married in the event of adultry? What if you gave me a sexually transmitted disease?
6) Who would get the house if your wife/husband committed adultry?
7) Who is on your will?
8) Would we go to counseling if we needed it?
7) How would you feel if one of my relatives came to live with us or how would you like living with a relative?
8) How are we going to share holidays with family? Who gets christmas, thanksgiving, birthdays....etc.
9) In the event of divorce, how are we dividing the assets?
10) Who will babysit our children
11) Which of our friends or family members might be a problem for us? Who comes first, your spouse or your family members?
12) Who cleans the house, makes food, works outside?
13) How many times do we entertain our in-laws and what's expected. Who does the cooking, cleaning?
14) Can we sign a pre-nuptual agreement?
15) Who pays for what?
16) What is love? What if we dont' feel this way a year from now?
17) What/who comes first, second, third in your life?

My opinions: Many marriages don't survive from live-in situations because many people who enter into a live-in situation begin the relationship with a temporary mindset. Therefore the relationship never had a serious foundation. The piece of paper you have after marriage often does not change that mindset, so the words "break-up" and "divorce" often spew out much easier during a fight. If only one of you is seeking advice and opinions, it could tell you who is more invested in the relationship. Good luck to you both.

Answer 6

In a marriage, communication, trust, and loyalty are key!
One thing not mentioned in the other statements worthy of asking is:

How do you feel about girl's nights and guy's nights?

I feel it is important to still keep your own identity meaning you still need girl time and he needs guy time. A lot of guys have issues with this. How will you both react if you want a girls night or he a guys night? I believe each couple needs at least one night a month out alone to hang with their peers without their mate. This does take a lot of trust, but is an important issue.

Marriage is tough and changes a person. We dated for 5 yrs. and have been married for 6 yrs. Yes, it is all lovey dovey and new now, but what happens when the newness wears off and boredom and reality set in? How do you plan to keep your marriage fresh and alive?

I hope this gives you some things to think about. Best of Luck!

Answer 7

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Answer 8

What I wished we had discussed is irrelevant to your situation. My wife doesn't like driving and it causes a great deal of trouble as I end up doing a lot of stuff I never ought to have to do etc. but that is not your problem. Marriage takes the insecurity out of living together for sure. I wish I had asked more questions regarding "what if xyz happens" but I was head over heels in love so I didn't. Marriage works because we got married for the right reasons (she needed me and I needed her) and we have been together long enough that our marriage is now like an old catcher's mitt we just don't want to get rid of it. Total honesty even when it hurts, one of you HAS to end up taking the decisions over finance as even though discuss it if you can;t agree there should be one decision maker and it ought to be the one who earns the money or the main breadwinner. Be willing to say sorry, NEVER go to bed mad at each other. Learn to laugh with each other and at yourselves. Never argue personal stuff in the presence of neighbors or friends or children. Keep it in the prvacy of your home. If you have something bugging you share it asap. If you don't want to do something make an effort to pelase the other partner and finally remember this particular definition of love:
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."

Answer 9

Do you snore at night ??

Wish i had known that .. my hubby does and it drives me nuts... :))

Marriage for me changed because it showed me that two people who do fall in love can stay married in a happy relationship forever. ( my parents divorced )
( his parents were high school sweethearts and were married 51 yrs before daddy' passed )

Only thing I would change would be that I believed I was too young. I was 20 when married. Wish I had waited til I was mid 20s' before tying the knot.

I believe Conversation, Church, Love, Respect Make a Marriage work.
Congrats !

Answer 10

I also met my husband online. We talked 6 months before we moved in together and then got married 2 years after that. Nothing really changed for us. My commintment to him is same as when I was his g/f. You two seem to have covered alot of the important issues already. Your communciations seems to be good. I wouldn't worry if I were you. As long as guys communicate there isn't anything you can't handle.