My wife left me Dec. and took our 5 kids with her. We must be separated for a year before we can get divorced in Aust. In Feb. she met an American man online, and is planning on going to America in Aug. to sleep with him. She has no set plans for after then; just says that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I am seeing a psychologist who tells me that I should continue to treat her lovingly, without forcing her to make any decisions. I am to avoid trying to stop her, but also am not supposed to help her fulfill her plan by watching the kids while she is gone. (we currently have shared care; week on, week off) I have told her that I love her, and will continue to love her no matter what she does to hurt me. The psychologist believes this is the best approach. Other women that I talk to tell me that this is wrong. They say I am giving her a free ride to have an affair; and that she's using me. I'd like to tell her to 'f' off, but don't wanna lose her forever. help our kids
2007-06-03 22:43:46 · 11 answers · asked by bg4gb 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
she's going to America for 3 weeks, then returning. by then she will be out of money, as I have severed all finacial support for her, and support only the children. I have great fear that she will want to return to me after she has done the dirty, saying that she has made a mistake, and loves me, when in fact; she may only be returning because she is out of money. I can not win the children in court, as we are in Australia, and I am an American citizen, not an Aussie. The only way I will get the children full time is if I have her full time.
2007-06-04 01:15:20 · update #1
I know you love her - but do you really deserve to be treated this way? Have you no respect for yourself? Before you can love someone, you should love yourself first.
Don't get me wrong, I am for "marriage" and "trying to keep it" but I think there is a limit to that. If in my heart I know I have done everything and she still doesn't feel the same way. Then there is no point.
Sorry but I have pride too. I am not going to wait for her to comeback (what if it takes her 5 yrs?) when everything else fails for her. Is she the only one allowed to be happy? Sorry - Time is up and move on. You'll find somebody who deserves your love more and will love and respect you more and makes you happy.
About your kids - don't use them as an excuse to stay. In the end you will hurt them more and confuse them.
2007-06-03 22:57:15 · answer #1 · answered by Zail-Em 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I truly believe that being straight forward will always solve the situation, though the solution might not always be what you would dream of.
Sitting down with her, putting feelings aside could give both of you the clear picture of what her and your intestion is in the future. If she wants to go off to the US to meet and live with a person she only knows through the itnernet, then let her do so. Otherwise you would force her to regret not going and you would hear it for teh rest of your life. If she goes, she could either:
-go off and find true love - unfrotunate for you, but on the long run solution for all
-go off, get hurt and come back to realize that she has made a mistake
Whatever you do, please do think of the children. Whatever happens, don't ever say anything bad to them about your wife, always treat her respectfully, because the worst thing you could do i to turn your kids against her, and eventually against yourself. Don't spoil your kids, but always tell them that you love them ery much, no matter what happens, and that your door is open to them. DO NOT force them or your wife towards any decision, because if it ends up wrong, it will all be your fault.
You don't have to assist your wife going to teh US, but certainly don't make it harder for her. Just talk through the situaion with a cold head, and then part, still keeping a strong connection with your kids.
Good luck!
2007-06-03 23:30:22 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you won't be able to "restoration" this whilst she has the different. i'm so sorry, however the "honeymoon" era is notoriously short lived. That dazzling feeling which you will do something "i became into being that guy that she needed back... the actual me." is going at last, and the resentment which you are the sole one making an attempt whilst they "save their ideas open (save the sweetheart interior the loop via staying in touch)" makes for an extremely unhappy association. it could be distinctive if she became into completely keen to desert this different to offer the marriage a honest bypass, yet for now you're competing for her time, interest and capability and that's only no longer honest. She holds each and all the winning enjoying cards (has each and all the ideas) and you sense you have none. She probably runs with this for a whilst (as long as you adult males enable it) because of the fact its so flattering to her ego to have you ever the two combating over her, desiring her on your existence. yet its hardly flattering to you, is it? I say that's ulitmatium time - permit her know she chooses one way or the different - no fence sitting, and sticks to it, or you will call it quits.
2016-11-25 21:02:57 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In the first place the psychologist isn't married to her, you are.
If she were my wife and wanted to leave to meet and live with another man, somewhere else and wanted me to care for the kids. I would have her sign a legal paper giving the kids to me and relinquishing all child care for her.
If she doesn't want to do this then tell her to take a hike.
Why do you want her in your life is she wants another man, one she hasn't even met and, will give up her kids for him.
Tell her to hit the road and find someone else.
In my consideration, a psychologist has an answer to everything and can talk a person out of their shoes but, has no answer to real living.
2007-06-03 23:30:16 · answer #4 · answered by cowboydoc 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry. What you're going through is so painful.
I disagree with your therapist. His/Her advice is to allow her to have her cake and eat it, too. Wrong. We're adults. There are consequences for our actions. I'll give you the same advice as I'd give a woman in the same circumstance:
If you're willing to take them back at all, then make them choose. You can make her choose by setting a deadline for her to move back, after which you move on with your life with her or without her.
As the father of the children, you can choose not to allow them to move to the US. Your wife then will have to choose her own fate: her family or her own selfish desires. In either case, the healing can begin.
Your willingness to twist in the wind only prolongs the pain, I'm sorry to say. Your children need to know that you're going to fight for them and fight to keep your family whole. They also need to know that if their mother decides to leave that it is not their fault.
If they're old enough to choose to leave with her, it will be the children who are always loved and always welcomed home, not pressured and always supported...not the spouse who left.
Best,
lmerrittaz
2007-06-03 23:06:07 · answer #5 · answered by lmerrittaz 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOur psychologist must be a feminist, Mr Sucker.
Get your ex wife to sign a paper giving permanent custody of the kids to you as she is abandoning them. Cut her off financially, if you haven't done so already. She comes to America and learn things the hard way.
Be a man and do what is best for your children. Don't linger around for lost causes.
2007-06-03 22:50:43 · answer #6 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
"don't wanna lose her forever" - that's not a choice you get to make.
"not supposed to help her fulfill her plan by watching the kids while she is gone" - that's a passive approach that will not likely stop her. Do what's best for the kids.
"love her, or leave her" - if she is the one doing the leaving, at least half of that choice is already decided. Beyond your control.
2007-06-03 22:52:55 · answer #7 · answered by Thomas K 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Don't force her to make any decisions" what a bunch of crap. All the decisions ARE being made by her. OBVIOUSLY ....
Quit being a door mat... It WOULD matter very much to me what she did to hurt me.
If you have no self respect for yourself how can she or anyone else have any self respect for you either.
I would tell her if she leaves the kids you are filing for abandonment and child support period.
Talk to your doctor about low self esteem and people walking on you. Remember you don't have to do everything your doctor tells you to do either.
You sound like your crying in your beer rather than being determined and mad as hell.
2007-06-03 23:04:45 · answer #8 · answered by Red 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Drag her into divorce court. Prove her an unfit mother. Take custody of the kids. Marry someone who actually deserves you.
2007-06-03 23:10:22 · answer #9 · answered by Theodore H 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ask her to "f" off. Be a man; you're a sissy. Stop acting like some old whiney puss. Take the helm and take your kids. See a LAWYER!
2007-06-03 22:59:55 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋