I'm trying to up my self-esteem, advice?

Question

I'm 15 and I've been through a lot so far. My parent's divorced, my mother cut my father out of my life, she started doing drugs, I've had to move a lot, etc. I've been dealing with adult problems like our financial situation and such for years.
Through all that, my mother had her ups and downs. I've been called every name in the book by her. We're currently working out our problems.
All of this has brought down my self-esteem dramatically. I have okay confidence, but the way I see myself is not very good. I often bring myself down, call myself ugly, fat etc.
I'm 4'11 and weigh 94 pounds, so in reality I'm not fat. I've been told I am really pretty by all my friends. But when I look in the mirror I don't see it. When I look inside, I don't see the beauty at all.

Does anyone have any tips that will help me up my self-esteem?
If you want to see a picture just ask, but anything I can say to myself or things I can do to help would be great. Thanks.

Answer 1

Self esteem is a wooly-minded concept thought up by some guy in the 60s who observed that successful people had self-confidence, and concluded therefore that self-confidence lead to success.

Duhh! It is obviously the other way around. But he called this so-called thing "self-esteem".

Now if one loves one's self, one will naturally esteem one's self.

If one allows that one is potentially anything, and, being human, must "live and learn" ... well, hey, how can you not love that is a question you need not answer.

Pretty and beauty are not the same thing. By radiating joy, beauty will shine through, augmented by pretty, which is quite a subjective and cultural thing anyway.

How to attain happiness? Well, pumpkin, that may take some time. But a smile a day never goes astray - using the facial muscles to smile actually causes a cascadeof endorphins - happy neurochemicals - to flood the system.

Also, they say "Patience is a virtue, find it where you can: seldom in a wioman, never in a man, but for sure someone who is reading." - and that "You're never alone with a noble book."

Answer 2

Our circumstances have a great influence on our outlook on life itself and the conditions that we bear play an important significance on who we become.15 is an age where memories are made and the future seems like it so long away and it's so needed for most people because that's when they think they can make important decision's for themselves,i had a similar upbringing (parents divorced) when they separated it literally separated me,i was so consumed by my change of responsibilities that it overwhelmed my ability to think beyond the now,everything was an uphill struggle.Am 23 now and i made a decision at the age of about 16 to deal with what am giving as challenges, after a while i built a certain mentality which made me believe that i could overcome many things..i would create a tolerant attitude towards people and there short comings.Ethics and virtues are the 2 most important things that will assist you to regain your self esteem..they are what you will build your foundations on, because when you begin to distinguish a moral ground that only belongs to you,after a while the results will be clear and evident in the difference in you.

Remember it's not what people think of you that matters, some people live there lives for the pleasure of others. they say 'who YOU are is always changing but what YOU will become, are in the slight but permanent changes YOU make for yourself'

sincerely good luck and live well

Answer 3

First of all, remember this: "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." (philosopher Joseph Campbell)

Next, remember life is about learning. It seems you know that or you wouldn't be seeking help here. You may be more advanced (spiritually) than your mother because she appears to be someone who is not learning & therefore repeating her negative behavior. (Life will give you a lesson, again, and again, until you learn the lesson. And each time you get the lesson, it will be a bit more harsh.) She has no right to call you negative names, and I would suggest you tell her so. If you can't tell her face to face, write her a note and tell her how much it hurts you.

If your friends tell you that you are pretty, I am betting you are. Your friends would not lie to you.

If you want to see your father, I would also tell her that. She has no right to keep you from seeing him. You are old enough to make that decision for yourself. Couldn't you at least call him? Email?

Don't stay around negative people unless you have to. Go to a friends house, the library, etc. And one other thing, going through this experience will make you a stronger, kinder person. You can do it! Every day you wake up say to yourself: Its a privilege to be me, and I am going to be happy today! You can do it!

Answer 4

well, it sounds like you're a really strong person. i'm your age, and if i were you, i'd probably already have run away from home by now, or maybe even killed myself-- definitely not the right thing to do. i admire your willpower, and that's definitely a good aspect of you right there. when you look in the mirror, pretend you are looking at someone else-- a stranger. even if you think your reflection looks ugly, try to pick yourself apart and choose the positive aspects, as opposed to the negative. i did this before, when i was struggling with my weight and such, and it worked well.

if you have more time, then you could use a life-size sheet of paper [or tape a bunch of 8x11 papers together]. mark how tall you are on that paper. then start drawing how you think your body looks with a black marker. then put yourself over your drawing, and outline your body with a different coloured marker. this shows that your body is not as 'bad' as you think it is. i tried this too-- effective.

i think it's good you're sorting out problems with your mum-- big step right there (: if you aren't already, i think it'd be a good idea to see a counsellor, because that is very helpful.

good luck<3

Answer 5

Hi, it sounds like you have taken all the hard things that your mother and fathers divorce have thrown at you with grace and style.

First, and I am not acusing, just pointing out, is that what your mother is doing is abuse. You are not at fault for her problems and that is the begining of the answer.

First: Talk to your school councelor, not your friends. This is a heavy burdon and needs some professional input. It is great to have friends but ask yourself will you be adding to their worries and stress by adding yours? I know thats cold but if you put yourself in their shoes how would you feel and how much more would you worry?

Second: (this one is a bit harder but possibly the best of options) Write a letter to the judge who granted your mother custody. Politely explain what is happening in your life. Explain that you love your mother but this constant assult on you is hurting you. Ask the court to appoint a councelor for you. Also ask the courts to step in where your father is concerned. I dont know the reason your mother cut your father out of your life, but unless he has abused you, he could be a great friend.

I am not saying all of this to harm your mother, I am a father who's ex-wife cut me out of my kids life and I had to make the hardest choice a parent could ever make. But the times have changed and the courts are more open to a father being a good parent than they were 15 years ago.

Please know this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I am sorry for the pain you are going through. But it is time you take a little action to protect yourself. There are many groups that can and will be there to help you. I am the product of a verbal, physical, mental and emotionally abusive mother. I was born in the 60's in the south, so there was no support groups or help readily available. It has taken me many years to heal the wounds but the scars still remain. Please do yourself a favor and seek outside help. Its a hard battle to fight alone.

Answer 6

I hope you start to get what you need from life :)

Sounds corny - and it's true. What you think is what you become.

Therefore every time you have a negative thought about yourself (like I'm fat) you need to immediately say something to yourself (out loud is not necessary) which is positive. Such as:
I am a beautiful person with people who love me.

I know corny - remember though, honest, what you say to yourself will become reality, at first it may seem a bit weird, even fake to say positive things to yourself, eventually it becomes the norm and your self esteem will improve.

I wish you all the best

Answer 7

Yes I have a tip - read your question and look at all the crap you have been through already. It seems like you have gone through more 'life' by the age of 15 than most people have by their 40s. And you survived, and you are articulate, and you have more common sense than I bet you realize. How many 15-year-olds do you know who actually realize that their own self-image might not be accurate? You get an A for maturity!

Answer 8

Gaining confidence is not easy, its a long process. No one else can make you believe your beautiful, you yourself have to believe that your beautiful. You can start by discovering what makes you feel good about yourself either it be something simple like the way your lips are shaped, to the way your eyes look. I'm not really sure if what I'm saying will help but I hope it does.

Answer 9

Once upon a time, I felt the exact same way. I had nooo reason to, but just did. I could never look in any mirror, because I was afraid that who I saw staring back at me, would comfirm that I was ugly. Like you said, no matter who told me I was beautiful, it just would never go away. Like you have probably heard before, "It was the best of times and it was the worst of times." That was true. While I was miserable, I became closer to God in ways that I couldn't imagine. He just brought me to my knees with His sheer mercy and grace. I have now learned to live one day at a time. God holds us in His hands and He holds tommorow, so don't worry, but just live for Him today. Life is nothing without Him, you ARE beautiful, because God made you, and all of His creations are beautiful. Don't waste anymore time being vain, like I did. Look all around you at the beauty God has made, including yourself. Love and Prayers. God Bless.

Answer 10

It's hard to love yourself when you doubt who you are. I found that after I let myself be who I really am, aside from what everyone esle told me was cool, that I was happier with myself. If you just let yourself be what you want to be, I think you'll be happier with who you are. Society sets standards that everyone views as rules to follow. You don't have to be a certain size of height to be pretty or exceptable. When you find yourself, you'll attracted people that except you they way you really are and that's the best feeling ever. That brings your self esteem up fast. ^_^