How to handle this fight with my husband?

Question

We've had this argument b4 but my husband obviously has a short memory. I've just had a baby & at home on maternity leave & my husband has been home on parental leave & using a lot of the time to do renovations around the home. I have NO problem with any of that as he's doing a wonderful job around the house & I'm taking care of the baby & inside the home. I always comment about what a great job he's doing & how the latest improvement looks great, however, he undervalues the work I do inside the home & this has caused me to go on strike again. I did this a few months ago and he seemed to get the picture after about a week. The house was disgusting without me keeping it tidy & there was no food in the house or clean clothes. He's obviously got a short memory because here we go again. Yep, I'm on strike again as I really need him to understand that my work inside the home is what I'm good at & all the handyman stuff he's good at and enjoys and together we make a great team. Ideas?

Answer 1

I think you maybe over reacting. How did he "under value" what you do to such a degree that you would just let everything go?
Silent treatment is not a good way communicating.
I think you two are stressed out and getting on each others nerves. I recommend a sitter and a night out.

Answer 2

If you come up with a good idea let me know. It's just my and my husband around here and we both work outside the house. But I'm left to cook and clean. And get not comments or words about how things look but let him mow the yard and he is all over me to agree how good it looks. Other day I said yep looks good but I think the work I do in the house looks better and just walked off. If I could have had a picture of his face when I said that . Maybe I should try the strike thing but then I think how much work I would have when I came off strike

Answer 3

I've been on strike before. The house was a pit, but boy did he kiss my butt for weeks after that. I even got flowers not once but TWICE the week after it dawned on him that things weren't great and we were out of tooth paste.

Sit down and remind him nicely that you and him are a team. He is outside and u are inside. My mother always said men are slow learners, they need to be rewarded to be taught.

So true isn't it. A stick a post it note on the end of the thing that hangs out and he will never forgot what he is suppose to do?! Ha ha.

Just stop telling him what a good job he is doing. When you go outside to look at something say "oh, looks good" then walk away. he will become angry, but after he calms down he should see your point.

Best of luck and it's great to know i am not the only wife that has gone on strike!

Answer 4

Geez almost sounds familiar either your husband wants to feel like he's young again or your son is treating him like either he can't take care of u or he will never be as good as his father !!!! My last marriage was easy then my current one the kids were younger when i moved in 16 and 19 my current marriage is tougher her son is 30 and still thinks he's a gang bangger and i can't take care of his mom which i do with no problem. Now her daughter married someone who owns a hugh bar here in jersey and she used to be a waitress there now she's the big boss and acts like that even whe she's away from the bar. The workers cow tow to her but i don't have to and since i'm married to here mom i get in the way of here using her for babysitting picking things up for her and doing anything at anytime she wants that's been the struggle i've gone through. Best advice sit em both down and say guess what fellas i care for both of u but i don't need this crap anymore your adults so grow up @!

Answer 5

Children takes time and in case he haven't found out, then let him take care of it for a day, and let him find out to squeze some handywork in between feeding and diapers.
I work my wife is at home, and sometimes I also feel more could have happened, but I bite my lip, because as long as the kids is well and the house is not totally a mess, then the important things are covered.
Normally I hear the opposit discussion from my male friends, they find that their participation in housework is not appreciated and that their handywork does not count in the who is doing what discussion. Maybe your husband is attacking you because he does not feel you appreciate his effort.

Try have a discussion about the tasks. What needs to be done and how often - do not go into who is doing what - yet.
When you have seen the list, then have a talk about who is doing what and maybe you find out what each of you is actually doing - or what it exactly is that is not done because it is not perceived important by both of you.

Answer 6

Maybe you should suddenly get "sick" for a few days and let your husband take care of you, the baby and the house and let him see what it's really like to do your job. I dont think your husband could possibly understand whats like to do your job until he does it himself and see first hand what its like. Im sure after all is said and done he'll have much more appreciation for what you do around the home than what he has now.

Good luck!

Answer 7

clean your half of the house. It looks really wierd but, hopefully it will get his attention. My hubby started slacking on his half of the chores so I started only doing my half.

Only my laundry, vaccuuming only half of the house (half of every room), cleaning half of the commode and sink, only washing glasses (no plates). I took it to a rediculious level I know but, I got my point across.

We sat down and talked and re-divided the chores which is what the real problem was to begin with. Instead of the every other day swich we just each took over one thing. I took laundry and he took dishes. He took mowing the grass I took cleaning bathrooms, I took sweeping, mopping, vaccuming and he took dusting and total trash duty including cleaning out the fridge on trash day.

We just made a list of all chores in the house and each picked one at a time until the list was gone. I don't touch the things growing fuzz in the fridge I just point it out the night before the trash goes out. It took about 2 trash runs of fuzzy food to get him to check it once a week now. (remember he has dishes too so he has to deal with clean up as well, HAHA) I don't stress about the dusting everyweek he realized that carpets cause a lot of dust so he has installed hardwood floors in most of the house since he took over dusting duties.

He takes pride in his chores but, I also had to realize that I had to let up on myself and my high standards (my mom cleans houses for a living so I got them from her) I also discovered my hubby's talent for grocery shopping that I never knew about. I released control one day and sent him with a list and 50 bucks more then I figured he would need and said to myself that I will pick up what he missed at the store tomorrow. He came back with 70 bucks!! Not only did he get everything on the list he didn't pick up all the little "extras" that I throw in the cart when I see them. He sees it as a game for some reason. He can tell me how long it took him and how much under or over budget (the worst time was only $23) He is hilarious when he goes with me grocery shopping now, he has a certain path he takes and when I stop to look at something we are "losing time".

Have a talk and give him a chance to try something new. Let up on youself and give him a few things that are his and then don't touch them again.

good luck

Answer 8

I totally understand you - I have been there girl! The thing that got my bfriend and I to let this issue go was a lot of communication. I sat him down and said, "I feel like you don't appreciate all the things I do for you." That opened up the line of communication for him to tell me that he DID appreciate me but he felt like he worked a lot harder than I did (at our jobs). I was able to explain to him everything I do and how his job may be hard physically, my job is hard mentally. After lots of open communication, we have been able to let this issue rest after a year and a half of fighting over it.
ps. if you stop doing all those things that will just give him another thing to gripe about you NOT doing. When you leave all of those other things for him to do, he is feeling even MORE sorry for himself- it doesnt work, trust me! Open communication is the key -
Good luck and hope this helps!

Answer 9

Maybe you gave him one to many compliments and it has gone to his head. Stop giving him compliments about his work. Ask him what does he want a maid or a wife? Go on vacation for the weekend and let him do everything around the house if he is going to act like he doesn't need you then he can find out for him himself. Take a holiday and treat yourself.

Answer 10

You have to accept him the way he is. There are critical people by nature they will always criticize no matter good or bad.Do not make war make peace.Maybe one day he will recognize your hardworking. Do not use force to make him see your hardworking. When you have worked and you miss his comments give yourself a good treat and do something good for yourself rather than expecting him to comment. Stop commenting for what he does in the house and this way it will not also hurt you when he does not comment about your work.