Legally, can I turn in a mother for neglect?

Question

"Danny" is five years old and lives with my in-laws. "Danny's" mom and my husband were previously married, however, "Danny" is not my husband's son. My husband is the only father "danny" has ever known. The situation is quite different. When "danny" and my husband divoreced "danny" stayed at my in-laws and has lived with them ever since then. My husband and I are very active in his life and I care for him as if he were my own. It breaks my heart that his real mother only sees him when she has time for him...she does not visit his school, take him to school or pick him up, does not call to speak with him, doesn't buy his clothes, shoes, school supplies, nothing. She's been picking him up on weeks lately, but as always in short lived. She's not abusive and not completely neglectful. I just don't understand why she doesn't let my husband or his parents adopt him. My husband and I would be more than glad to have him, but "danny's" mom would not ever let it happen. What can I do?

I should add that "Danny" is five and that his mother has had another child since then that was taken away from her, has lost a child to still birth, and is pregnant again. She's in and out of court weekly. And I agree with the fact that she would take him away from us. I just want to know what our options are, he's starting to ask questions....very hard and complicated situation!

Answer 1

Keep giving Danny the best that you can while he is with you, because if one day she takes him away from all of you, he will remember who treated him as a loved and valued family member. And this is not just beneficial to you so that he will one day return on his own, but it has been proven that very young children who are given love and felt valued by someone (doesn't have to be biological parent) can overcome so many more obstacles in life than ones who lack that in early development.

unfortunately i dont think you can do much in the way of reporting neglect, but a lawyer could tell you for sure. I do know that if none of you have parental rights over Danny, you probably dont have a prayer, unfortunately. But heres my little idea....

As it is currently going, the mother may just one day leave and not return. you don't want that to happen because if it does and you report her, the state may decide to try and find more of Danny's biological family and send him off to them. You will not have access to things you need to, like his social security card etc. and this might complicate things. The state would legally be able to take him from you at any point if none of you has custody.

If you can, find out if there is a father listed on Danny's birth certificate. If no father, it could be very easy for your husband to adopt him as he can just amend the birth certificate through the courts and add himself as father. if there is a father listed, its still possible to have your husband listed as the father but he'll need to go through adoption process, Of course you need consent from the mom. To do that, i would say,

butter her up real good one day, whoever she gets along with most in the family (your inlaws or husband or you) should sit down with her one on one after a good dinner and talk about the option of your husband adopting him jointly with her so that she still has full custody. (i know this isn't what you want ultimately, but hang in there....)
You see, if you can go step by step and get your hubby as the adopted father, then the day that she decides she can't do it anymore and totally abandons him, your husband will have rights to keep danny instead of whoever is the father now.
Asking her for full custody AND adoption will be too much at once.
Start with adoption but promise that the only thing that will change is the info on the birth certificate. Once you're hubby is on the birth certificate you have the choice to file for full custody of him and give her only visitations because you have those wonderful, magical, parental rights!

Reasons you might want to say to her to sell her the idea is that
* that makes your husband legally responsible to provide for Danny and she wont have to do it all on her own.
*Your husband will be responsible for his health insurance and that takes another worry off her back.
*make it sound like you are just wanting to make her job easier and do not mention anything about wanting to get custody of Danny now or in the future, or reducing her parental rights.
*she is only concerned with herself so talking about how it can help Danny is not going to convince her.

Your husband does not have to be the one to adopt if she doesnt like him. Your husbands father can adopt him also.
Just to be clear on what i mean about adoption, what I'm saying is that the adopting person would just be making themselves Danny's adoptive father, not taking her rights away, just adding themselves to the birth certificate.
if you can do that, You're home free and you can get a lawyer to help you with everything else because your husband would have Parental rights, too.

Good luck and i hope it works for everyone's sake.

Answer 2

There probably isn't a whole lot you can do. The child is being cared for so it's not like his needs aren't being met. If you try to have her rights terminated, she is likely to take him enough that she has a good chance of keeping him and then abandoning him to your in-laws again. In the end, all that would happen is Danny's life would be disrupted even further. I hope I am wrong but I have seen a few parents like that.

Answer 3

You do nothing. Right now he is happy with the situation and he does need his mom, even if she is a flake. Kids don't see the flakiness in their parents, they only see that they are there. That's all that matters. She may not be the best, but even you said she is not very neglectful. At this point it will hurt Danny more to not have her around. Just keep loving Danny and keep trying to encourage his relationship with is mom. That's about all you can do that will ensure Danny isn't hurt in all of this.

Answer 4

legally there is really nothing that you can do. he is not your husbands biological son, although the situation is weird, danny is not being neglected, he has a safe home , food on the table, clothes on his back, he is seeing a dr. when he needs to, and he is getting love from you, grandparents and i am sure that his mom loves him too she just doesn't knowhow to show it. if she is collecting child support or is receiving help from the state with food, medical, welfare then she can get into trouble, in the mean time enjoy the time you have with danny, one day she might decide to grow up and be a real mom to danny and then you will lose him because there is nothing that you can do. sorry.

Answer 5

From a legal standpoint, she isn't neglecting him. She has him in good care with the in-laws. That isn't grounds for neglect. Sure it is sad she doesn't see him that often, or do things with him, but not everyone who has a child is capable of being a mother. She isn't a candiate for abandonment, because she does see the child.

Legal neglect is if the child was living with her in bad conditions, no food, no clothing, no education, illness, etc.

The only thing that can be done is that the in-laws can petition for legal guardianship, which if the mother, and father - key word in this situation since he would have to be found, agree to give up their rights, can lead to legal adoption, but I doubt that will ever happen.

Answer 6

See a lawyer. It's an extremely complex question, not something you can get answered here. Your in-laws are also opening themselves up to huge liability issues by taking care of a child who is not their own. As much as you care for this child, you're are headed for trouble if you don't get legal aid. Don't assume that by reporting the mom you will be able to get custody: I'd guess that the law would take "Danny" away from all of you and put him into foster care, and that's not best for him.

Answer 7

There's a huge concept you are forgetting. The child support ended when you turned 18 for a reason... you're not a child anymore. You're an adult. Once you reach the age of 18, your mom has no obligations to support you. She can kick you out, charge you rent and do whatever. You don't have to move where she wants you to, you can move anywhere you want. Under the age of 18 your mother is not responsible for putting gas in your vehicle. She is obligated to give you the NEEDS not wants but your needs to survive such as food. You have no lawsuit to file. You chose to live in the deplorable conditions your mom had. Remember at 18 you are an adult and she has no continued obligations to you.

Answer 8

Bad situtation, but I doubt you can legally do anything. As long as his basic needs are being met and he's not being abused, I doubt you could get her for neglect. Abandonment might be a possibility, depending on the length of her disappearances and the laws in your state. But even if you could prove a drug habit, dangerous associations or illegal activity on her part, you would probably not be first in line for custody since neither you nor your husband have a blood tie to the boy. Consider the situation if he were to be removed from her custody (and then consequently from your in-laws' care) and placed with the closest blood relative without a criminal record. Depending on the rest of her family and your relationship with your in-laws, how it stands now may be the best you can hope for. I'd say make the best of the situation by maintaining as close a relationship as you can with your in-laws, being rock-steady and reliable for him and keeping your eyes open for any signs of possible danger.

Answer 9

This isn't a case of neglect, the child is NOT neglected. His mother leaving him with her ex inlaws is not a case of neglect. She left her child where she knew he would be cared for so you have no case there. It MIGHT be considered abandonment, but there may be mitigating circumstances, like obviously this woman is incapable of actually caring for her children and she does see the child so she hasn't totally abandoned him either. There is NOTHING that you can do. Your inlaws are the only ones who can do anything, they can tell her to come and get the child or turn him over to social services to be put into foster care, but only THEY can do it since the mother put the child into their care.

Answer 10

Of course you can. Anyone can report neglect if there related or not. Contact your local Child protection services and explain the situation. They may get involved and the other party may see your side of it then. Worth a try.