Mom's a great woman, but how do I get her to butt out?

Question

I'm 21 years old, about to graduate from a university with a 3.0, I'm getting married next year, and my life is changing. Of course, I'm not running it the way mom thinks I should. I love her, but she's VERY nosey! She butts into my fiance's business (she even called him at work once to tell him to stop bothering me so much so I can study!), she looks up his legal records online and found things like speeding tickets he'd gotten. She asks me every day, 'What's the news on his divorce???" and I just don't need to talk to her about it; it's not her business. But she gets extremely offended if I say anything to that effect. I need to be careful and tactful with her, because she is volatile. But she is driving us both crazy. She's done everything she could for me my whole life, so I've always withstood how overbearing she is; I thought I owed it to her. But I just can't take anymore. Is there a way to get her to understand that I'm my own person now?

Answer 1

You sound like my twin 21 years ago.... Poor girl I feel for ya! I'm 41 now and I have a mother just like you. It's taken me 20 years to accept that the situation (mom) doesn't change and there is no conversation, answer or scheme that will make it change unless mom herself want's to and is committed to change (therapy, self evaluation), which I'm assuming not or she would have by now. I'm assuming that your mom is probably in her 50's? Think about it. It's taken her 40+ years to become this personality that's driving you crazy right? Do you really think that any coaxing is going to change her in a week, month, year? It's taken a long time for her to get to this fully developed controlling, pain in the butt-there may not ever be a road back. Don't be depressed about it instead understand the dynamic of your mom psycologically and the likelihood of it really changing. The best thing you can do for yourself is to not beat your own self up trying to please her like I did for many years. Trust me there is only anxeity on the other side of trying to meet expectations you can't live up to. It's making you both crazy because you are trying to find a way to please her and get her acceptance. You won't. Your not her. You are you and you need to know that it's ok to be you and do things the way you choose too, even if it's not how she would do them or it doesn't make her happy. I love my mom too and also felt guilty like you, but I had to finally realize that trying to maintain a daily relationship with her was too toxic for me emotionally and mentally like it is for you. You need to live and enjoy your life now as a young woman and a married couple. Do yourself and your fiance a favor and limit your time with your mom. I don't know your situation, but try just speaking to her only once every 2 weeks and seeing her only once a month. If's she's rude or trying to control your life in any way try not responding and changing the subject. If she persists and you are on the phone tell her that if she can't respect your right to be your own person than you are ending the conversation. Then you have to follow through and hang up. If you are in person leave. You have to show her you have boundries or it will get unbearable and then she will controll your life. It gets worse as they get older. She's not going to stop controlling it's her personality, but she will back off if you are strong and independent of her. Sweetheart, don't spend the next 20 years like I did feeling guilty for something out of your control. Be strong stop feeling sad, wanting your mom to be someone she is never going to be, trying to find the "answer" and letting her create so much anxeity and embaressment in your life. Now it's about acceptance and learning to cope with the hand you are dealt in life. Sometimes that means limiting the time we spend and the conversations we share with someone we love.

Please feel free to email me. Take care and may god be with you.

Answer 2

You never really notice how overbearing a parent is until you start becoming independent. You will always be her little girl no matter how old you are, but there are times she should be the proud parent, confident in the fact she has raised a capable, intelligent daughter. Tell her this. Let her know that it's precisely because she raised you so well that she should have confidence in your decisions. Let her know that she has been invaluable in your life and always will be, but her present actions are undermining your relationship. I can't name anyone who hasn't had a speeding ticket, and if that's the worst she found on him during her investigation, this guy is gold! If she reacts in a volatile manner to a reasonable argument, you then know she is functioning fully on emotion and no amount of reasoning will change her opinions. Then you'll have to choose whether to distance yourself from her or lose you relationship. Good luck.

Answer 3

Cut her off. Tell her that if she cannot accept your fiance that she will not be allowed to be in your life. That includes when you have kids. If you think she is overbearing now just think how bad it will be when you do have kids. The diapers won't be right, you should be feeding the baby at a certain time, baby should be sleeping at a certain time, etc, etc, etc. It never ends. She needs to accept the fact that you are now an adult and can make your own decisions. If you make a mistake, oh well. Live and learn. Parents need to back off and let their kids fly free from the nest. Sometimes their wings fail, sometimes they don't. That is how we learn about life.

Answer 4

It sounds like you need to put some distance between you and your mother. About a 1,000 miles. I am the mother of two adult daughters. I wouldn't dream of butting into their personal lives. I rarely call or visit them. However, they do call me often. When they were children is was my responsibilty to know their business, but not any more. I love them more than anyone else in the world. They know I will always be their for them.

Answer 5

Why do people freak when it comes to telling their parents to butt out? I have no idea why.

Just tell her "MOM! listen, i am 21 I am getting married, i am an adult, stop butting into my business, i don't care if this offends you, because you butting in offends me. Get a hobby, do something else. Peace off, bye"

do that. You are probably gonna have to be mean about it, hurt her feelings.

Unless they are paying for your school,rent bills, then you need to just suck it up.

IS your b/f married?

Answer 6

JUST GO ELOPE HAVE A WEDDING LATER OR JUST SIT HER DOWN AN TALK TO HER BE TACTFUL SHE IS YOUR MOTHER AND JUST WANTS THE BEST FOR YOU I'VE BEEN THERE SHE PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE'S DOING THIS AND HOW IT'S EFFECTING YOU DON'T PUSH YOUR MOTHER AWAY ALL SHE'S TRYING TO DO IS PROTECT YOU YOU ARE HER BABY NO MATTER HOW OLD YOU GET TO BE THEN WHEN YOU HAVE YOURS YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH DON'T BE TO HARD ON YOUR MOTHER THIS IS PART OF A MOTHER'S JOB TO PROTECT HER BABY............................................................

Answer 7

well maby buy her a new cheap apartment some where by your house and explain that you think it will be easer on her to have her own space and just say that his divorce is somethin you rather not talk about it right now. or get her some friends and ask them if they can take her out alot

Answer 8

hang on for a miute ... why should you have to carefull or tactfull... seems to me that your mum isn't , just tell her to butt out ... as you said your 21 so grow up and tell her ... if she doesn't like it tough!.... its your life and she is snooping and prying and if she is doing it now she will always do it ... so tell her or she will run your life forever..... sometimes you have to be hard with the ones you love

Answer 9

talk to you mother let her know how you feel.

Answer 10

When ya find out honey , PLEASE let ME know !!!!!