My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We split up about 9 months mainly due to communication issues. We just got back together. While we were split up we were both seeing other people. Now on top of the communication problem we also have a trust issue. Please help!
2007-06-03 17:49:51 · 23 answers · asked by amanda c 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hello again I am no counselor and I get the gist that you are seeing one which is a very good thing. I hope you can work it out. The only thing I would suggest is that both of you find a good religion to join. ( I would suggest mine of course but I think any would be a very big help.) I also had problems that were not all that unseemlier to yours but I never joined the church until after I was divorced and I want to tell you that divorce is as painfully as losing a spouse to death. Maybe even more painful if you both still have feelings then you should try to work it out. You will have a much stronger relationship after you work it out than you had before. Then if it is working out join the church and get baptized after that you have a clean slate for the both of you in your own minds as well as Gods. I wish you the Best of luck and God bless you both.
2007-06-05 12:29:18 · answer #1 · answered by saintrose 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are you both hiding from one another? If you have communication issues and now trust issue you BOTH are not telling the truth to each other about the past and the present.
If this is ever going to work then you have to get it out in the open. ALL OF IT!! The good bad and ugly and espically the things that you don't want to hear but, need to hear. If you were both seeing someone while you were split up then chances are you both slept with someone else while you were apart but, neither one of you wants to come out and say it. Both of you are suspicious of the other because you don't know what the other has done while you were apart and since you just got back together you don't want to be the one to cause the split again.
If you have really made the commitment to stay together for better or worse then HONOR IT!! Tell him that you want to talk to him tonight. Tell him that you are with him till the end but, you need to know what happened while you were apart and what happened while you were together the first time good and bad. (It is tearing you 2 apart to not know or have answers to your questions about what happened last time and while you were apart)
Give him a free pass and then hold your temper in check while he tells you what happened. Be prepared to be furious about at least one thing that he says (you want him to be honest so you can't drive him to lying by flipping out on him for his perception of the way things happened or what he has done) Ask all of the questions you want under the terms that you will do the same for him and both of you have to answer honestly.
At the end of the conversation you 2 have to decide can you live with what you just heard from the other? Remember that everything that was said is in the past and NONE of it can be changed. If you can't live with it then at least you know the truth and you can walk away knowing that you both tried to heal the wounds but they were too deep and ended up being fatal to the relationship.
If you can live with what you heard then you finally know the truth. You will also amazingly feel better about the relationship because you know everything so there is nothing left to hide. Agree with each other that the past is the past and that starting right now at that very moment each of you has a clean slate. Then start building the trust and communicating with each other again. No more secrets and no more wondering just you 2 together again.
Good luck
2007-06-03 18:18:03 · answer #2 · answered by hotelmajor 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have missed the two most important ingredients of marriage/relationship..no wonder this has happened.
obviously, despite of the 9 months split up, you want to work on your marriage again which is a good sign that all the love is not lost somewhere. you still have a tiny miny itchy bitchy feelings for each other, now i suggest you just have to include those two most important guidelines in a relationship and never miss it again lest you want to split forever.
You need to talk ...not just talk but to communicate then trust can be build up. Keeping the lines open all the time will provide the basic trust. .. .. so you should both look into these matters and for goodness sake, do not search it outside your marriage. Build it within. Nothing is too late for people who are willing to improve and make things better.
2007-06-03 19:27:02 · answer #3 · answered by jables 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps your husband really doesn't see any problem with your marriage. It sounds ridiculous, but you'd be surprised what some people miss. Perhaps next time he says "I'm happy" you should say, "Well, I'm not." Then proceed to have an adult conversation with him about what is going wrong in your marriage. Perhaps you could start off the talk by making compliment sandwiches. This is when you compliment him on something he's done right, then tell him where he needs to improve, and then give him another compliment. An example might be, "Honey, I love that you are your own man, however, I don't feel like we spend that much time together. You are a wonderful person and I would love to spend more time with you." This might boost his ego and make him feel good about discussing issues in the marriage with him. If you can't think of any compliments to give him, then perhaps it is time for divorce. Maybe let him know that you are thinking of filing for one? That's sure to spark a conversation! lol. Good luck!
2016-03-13 05:10:30 · answer #4 · answered by Janet 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well you both were seeing someone when technicaly you were "split up" unless either one of you did that while you were together then there should be no trust issue, I find that being an insecure issue on both parts. The communication issue can change but it takes a lot of work. You really need to work hard at it daily if you want changes! Good Luck!
2007-06-03 19:08:23 · answer #5 · answered by Lovely Lady 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you have a communication issue with your husband how do you know that he was seeing other people and how does he know that you were seeing other people? It seems like you don't have communication issues. You have told each other about what you were doing while you were separated. Your problem is "irrelevant communication". You mostly talk about your relations to others and at the end you expect trust? Start talking and communicating about your future. Start planning your future together. That's how you gain trust of each other. Normal couples start planning their financials, their lives together. Your activities should revolve around each other. You need to do things together, go places and talk and talk. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.
Good luck.
2007-06-03 17:57:45 · answer #6 · answered by Tourang B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you both willing to work in the marriage and on the communication problems?
Trust can come back, but that will take time, the main issue is to make certain you both are understanding what each other is saying. There are a lot of websites devoted to working on communication and relationships, if you are both dedicated to making it work then it has a good chance, but if only one of you wants it to work then it will become a burden on them and create resentment.
2007-06-03 17:56:33 · answer #7 · answered by lifeistooshort 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sound like you two still haven't sat down and discussed why you felt like you had communication problems in the first place. It is very possible to re-establish a relationship. You are not going to be on the original path anymore but you can always travel another especially if communication and trust are your only issues. You two need to desperately sit down and discuss which direction you want your relationship to go. If you can get that established then your journey begins because you both have to live up to those expectations. It won't be easy but if you two really want to make it successfully you are both going to have to work at it in a positive and non-violent manner. You will be in my prayers.
2007-06-03 18:00:36 · answer #8 · answered by flirty30 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, your marriage is lacking the two most important things by your own admission : Communication & Trust.
Current equation:
No Communication + Lack of Trust = Divorce.
So, in order to repair your relationship you must change the equation.
Communication + Trust = Happy Union.
However, in order to add trust as a factor, you must first do this calculation.
Love + Respect + Monogamy = Trust.
Both of you must LOVE and respect each other and vow to be faithful for the duration of your marriage.
Good luck@
2007-06-03 17:57:06 · answer #9 · answered by Talkstress 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to work on communication. You both need to understand that you were once seperated and that seeing other people was acceptable at the time. Now that you are back together, you cannot hold what you did for those 9 months against each other.
2007-06-03 18:00:01 · answer #10 · answered by Melanie J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋