How do you uphold your marriage vows when ..?

Question

You are just no longer attracted to your wife? I cheated on my wife, we seperated and we decided to get back together, but I have realized I am just no longer attracted to her. She has gained alot of weight after being pregnant with our second child (who passed away) and she has not made any attempt to lose weight. She does not keep her hair fixed all the time and sometimes she just lays around the house in sweatpants. I made a vow to stay with her forever and I want to do that, but I can not make love to her. Touching her and seeing her nude makes me sick to my stomach.

What should I do?

She weighs like 250#, she never wears makeup unless we go to church, she doesn't shave her legs on a regular basis. I love her as a person but how can I go the rest of my life without having my physical needs met?

Answer 1

I think you have pushed your wife into serious depression. God holds the man accountable for the condition of their marriage.

Answer 2

Soooo you cheated on her and you guys lost a baby.
I am no doctor but I'd say she is probably feeling like caca right now. Which would explain the weight gain and unkept look.

OK here is what you guys need to do...
1. She needs to consider seeing a psychologist ( a real doctor not a therapist) because she has some healing she needs to do.

2. You both need to start doing some activity together on a regular basis. Evening walks around the lake, bike rides, bowling, swimming or whatever.

3. Tell her how you feel. You love her and are sorry for doing what you did and that no matter what you love her and that you will be by her side no matter what.

4. You may want to join weight watchers together or some other program to help each other live healthier.

5. Whn you are grocery shopping don't buy any junk food.
Junk food is coke or soda or pop (you know what I mean), no chips, no chocolate, no cake, no cookies brownies etc.

Snacks will be fruits and vegetables. Dinners will be meats and vegetables (potatoes are not vegetables).

Drinks will be water, unsweetened tea, or crystal light flavored drinks.

Before you know it she will be slimmer and feeling spunky again and you will be feeling like a new man in many different ways.

Answer 3

Well, first of all, I think you should take an honest look at yourself. How are you holding up? Have you gained weight since you married? Are you losing hair? Do you fart when she's around?

Seriously. You both may have let yourselves relax a little. I think you should talk to her about it, tell her you love her but you can't stand to see her letting herself go like this. Suggest a way that you two can get in better shape together (ie, invest in a treadmill and a stationary bike, workout together at night while watching the news, go for walks around the neighborhood after dinner, etc). If she is resistant at first, remember that it may be a defense mechanism due to embarassment. If it still fails, suggest marraige counseling.

Really, though, you can only do so much. It takes two people to make a marraige work, just be sure that you're trying as hard or harder as you expect her to try before you throw in the towel. Good luck.

By the way, I'm very sorry about your child.

Answer 4

sometimes when your a stay home mom you dont have a connnection to the outside world and you get bored and depressed. Why put make up on, fix your hair every day to do housework and get dirty and have to shower again. Now there is no reason not to shave your legs. Her wearing sweatpants all the time is probably because they are comfortable and easy to move in specially w/the additional weight. She sounds depressed and you did lose a child. She needs help and by you not advancing on her is not helping. Your reactions to her is not gonna get her off that couch. Now I understand she needs to work on herself but you need to help inspire her. Dont come out and say dont eat that cookie honey cuz you should lose a few. Instead suggest a date or an outing..make a date. Knowing that your probably imbarrassed of her make a date to go biking in the park or go for a hike on an easy trail. Excellent way to refresh, clear the mind, and relax w/great conversation. Out of the blue bring flowers home. Your physical needs can be met but you choose not too. I think your negativity is showing and she is responding. ; )

Answer 5

First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry for the loss of your child. I cannot imagine...
As far as the physical attraction question. I hope you won't give up. I'm sure you are both depressed and not quite yourselves. Counseling would definitley be in order for both of you. She probably doesn't like to look at herself any more than you do...so maybe together you can work on this after some counseling. She has been cheated on and now after you guys suffered the loss of a child, she is no doubt not feeling good about herself. I'm sure you are hurting too, but please don't give up on her. You have to do everything in your power to fix something before you scrap it. I'll say a prayer for you, her and your oldest child.

Answer 6

Selfish? I think so! She has been through a mess with a cheating husband and the death of a child. You should feel ashamed to have even posted such a question.
Do you look the same as you when you 2 met? highly doubt it! And what do you wear when you are at home relaxing? you probably have gained weight and are balding!
You should try to be supportive for her and encourage her instead of putting her down.
If you say you love her as a person, it should not matter what she looks like.
Get a spine!

Answer 7

You mention that she gained weight after being pregnant with your second child. And you lost your second child, so she is probably mourning the loss of the child. And when someone is in mourning, their appearance is not the most important thing to them.

Now is when you step up to the plate, be a man, honor your vows, and show what you're made of. This is when you need to stand beside her, love her, comfort her, help her to deal with this sad time in her life.

As she feels better, she'll also start taking better care of herself. and she'll lose the weight. You don't mention if you are at your perfect weight or not, but you could try to encourage her, and join her by dieting and exercising with her to help her with the excess weight.

Answer 8

Go to couples counseling. You mentioned Church so go to Church couples counseling. She may not know that this bothers you. Matter of fact, I'm sitting here with fuzzy legs going Oh sh*t, wonder if my husband is mad about that? It's been 3 days! I'm going to shave them tomorrow morning. Promise! Although for the record I do not weigh 250. Anyway, If the marriage has to end then that's what happens, but you cant end it without doing everything in your power to fix it. Go to counseling, do your best, take her butt to the gym, tell her how you feel (probably in counseling, not over Sunday dinner) and maybe she will start shaving. I'm going to.

PS you are only kinda a selfish bastard. you are honest and don't want to leave her. 250lbs of lovin is a lot to take. just give it your best. maybe she will change for you if she knows how bad it has gotten. But talking to us looses isn't really putting your all into the marriage. You should be talking with her and counselors.

Answer 9

Have you try to sit down with your wife and just talk to her? If not you must, don't end a life time vow if you don't try to fix the problem. There had to be something about her that you love that you decide to spend the rest of your life with her. Your wife might be going thru a depression when she lost her child, you have to remember she carried the baby for the nine month to lost it. Talk to her, buy her nice things show her pictures how she was..go to a gym together or do exercise together. Don't give up on her remember "til death do us apart".

Answer 10

First of all, I have to say that is rather shallow of you. Does she work full time? Does she keep your house clean and watch your child all day? Does she cook you dinner?
It seems to me like you are taking her for granted. Did you fall in love with her becuase she was drop dead sexy, or because of the woman she is? You both suffered a great loss when your child passed on (and for this, I am very sorry), she is obviously still grieving. Just try and take her out once in a while,(which then she will feel the need to get made up) maybe she doesn't get beautified because she doesn't feel she needs to in order to please you. Maybe she hasn't lost weight because she doesn't feel she needs to in order to impress you. Just ask her if she wants to take a walk with you, try offering to cook dinner and cook healthy meals, drop little hints that will maybe help her realize that she's let go of herself. Buy her a new razor (a fancy one) or a new shade of lipstick or a new perfume, or some new pretty clothing! This works both ways, it's just not you being unhappy with her, maybe she's unhappy with you too! I also suggest counseling. Best of Wishes, and again, Sorry for your loss.

Answer 11

You should be more worried about her physical health due to being overweight, and her mental health due to the loss of a child. Without knowing your wife, I would say she sounds depressed.

Also, the only thing that I feel justifies you seeing her as unattractive is the weight she has put on. We don't always have to be made up, coiffed, costumed and shaved, to be attractive and that isn't what makes us look good, anyway(it just helps is all).