When, why, and how do we lose our ability to love and/or the ability to show it?

Question

In my opinion, we never love more completely, more unconditionally, more affectionately than when we are children. Think of how children show affection, love you in spite of all your faults, forgive you for your mistakes, and trust you without wavering. I have my opinions of why, where, and how. I am looking for yours. Is it because from day one, they teach us that everything we know and feel in our hearts is wrong?

Answer 1

We lose that ability when we lose the innocence of childhood. For some of us it comes just with age, others some event that marks the end of their childhood...good or bad. But children, in that innocence, see no problem with affection, don't clearly understand ones faults, and are too young to be hurt so many times that they lose trust or become numb to the pain of being hurt...so its so much easier to give and show that unconditional love that eludes many adults.

Answer 2

You are right, and it's not just your opinion; Freud said that the only unconditional love that existed is that of a child for his/her mother (and sometimes, but not always, father). This is not so romantic as it sounds. The child depends on his or her parents for his/her survival; if the child were to judge that parent as less than lovable, then the child would be in danger, out of control, lost, unable to survive. This explains why no matter how horrible a parent may be, a chid will love that parent--the child's very survival depends on that parent.

At a certain point the child must grow up and leave home or marry and have a family--that is also the drive of the human being, the survival of the whole species--that is the time that the child must "individuate," become his or her own self, separate from the parent.

It is not easy to make that change from depending completely on another person to becoming independent and having to make choices and decisions in "the real world."

At that point the child will start to lessen the parent in the child's esteem, in order, to both (paradoxically) unconsciously and deliberately, let go of the parent and become her or his own self. It is a painful and crucial part of growing up, and "love" can often get thrown in the waste basket for a certain period of time while that individuation, maturation takes place.

There are those of us that see this separating as tragic and unbearably difficult in Western culture, in particular, where the pressure is to move OUT and ON. This causes great conflict, grief, and fighting on both sides, that of the child and that of the parent--because anger lets the child separate with less sorrow than having to bear the truth, the incredible burden of having to leave his/her mother and, often, father while still feeling the depth and passion and devotion to them that that child always had.

The child moves into ambivalence and forces the whole family there, and ambivalence is not for the weak; it is very difficult to tolerate, therefore, and again, it is easier to let go of the love, or seem to let it go, altogether, until that now somewhat grown child is fully "free."

And the tragedy you feel in your question is real. That former love never quite returns, once it has been battered about for the sake of independence, and I think that is a fault of certain societies in which material things are more important than family.

("Human beings have almost always been supported, disciplined, and amused by stable lattices of friends and family, until the Great American Experiment, which was an Experiment, not only with Liberty, but with rootless mobility and impossibly tough-minded loneliness.")*

("Maturity is the ability to tolerate ambivalence.")**

Footnote:
I don't think that cruelty in childhood leads to loss of love, although it sounds logical. The facts show that abused children hold on tighter to get approval, than do well-treated children. I, for example, was unwanted, burned, beaten and put in foster care, but I love so deeply, incredibly deeply. I've never lost my ability to love--in fact, for me, the cruelty so contradicted what was in my heart and soul, that I devoted my life to causes and to helping others not to be hurt and sad.

Answer 3

I agree completely. I am not a parent.. but yes I am an adult. Personally I am shocked by how cold I can get... I feel it all has to do with my parents. They were over disciplinary and were plain down right rude to me for no reason at all. As a result I was so sick of feeling sad and hurt during my childhood that I told my self not to expect any signs of affections at all..

I still wonder why they didn't simply kill me at birth if they hated me so much. As I grew up and entered teenage I simply stopped communicating with my parents. They never knew what was going on in my mind. I still don't tell them. The past can't be forgotten....

Personally I am very fond of children and can't stand to see them cry. But I can be very cold to myself at times.. It still shocks me...

Answer 4

When we are in childhood, we haven't experienced the conditions and standards which the world have (mostly set by social values ), so we are able to love everyone unconditionally but as we grow we learn all conditions from experience, we have been instructed by social values such as might is right, survival of the fittest or judge those who are wrong and we are melt into society integrated with these values which passed on from generation and generation. So in order to survive we ignore basic natural responses from our hearts but embeded these values to have sense of belonging to community.

Answer 5

I was confused about what "love" means until I learned about other cultures. Example: The greeks have 4 separate words for the 1 word we use as "love". You speak of love between a parent and child, that is "agape" in greek. To love a sibling is "phileo". To love a spouse is probably "eros" at least to begin with.

So when most of us tell a lover that we "love" them, in reality we may be only in love with ourself, and they are one of the means by which we make ourselves feel good.

Just my opinion. Neat question!

Answer 6

possibly for you, it relies upon on the guy. For some human beings that's a hundred% and 0%, yet usually I relatively have observed that looks do have the better proportion, regrettably. 60-40 sounds lifelike lol

Answer 7

i think most of us lose that innocent loving nature when we place a great deal of it on someone and it is destroyed. When we hold the idea of love on a pedestal and it disappoints us we find that image hard to let go of. If that makes any sense.

Answer 8

Every time you are hurt, emotionally or physically, you put up a "wall" to protect yourself. Emotional scars are deeper than physical ones from my experience. You're afraid that if you let down your defenses, you'll be hurt again. It takes time & patience, but you can trust again. If you are hurt as a child, I believe they are deeper scars.

Answer 9

That's true..I people need to understand that love is umpredictable because our circumstances change all the time, we change as we grow..we transform, the best thing to is just experience the passion while it is there...when it burns it out...oh well...who said till death do us part? man or mother nature?

Answer 10

Dogs do the same things and perhaps more.

It is in their nature, unfortunately or fortunately it is not in our nature to love unconditionally.