What do you think of this other poem... Please be honest and rate it. Thank you?

Question

When I was young I looked up to you even though you didn't treat me right.
When you were drunk, I heard you come in and scream at night.

When I was alone and felt so empty, all you did was critisize me.
When I decided to be brave and stick up for myself all you did was beat me.

When I locked myself in my room and cryed not knowing if I would even be alive tomorrow,
You just laughed at my sorrow.

When I went to school and had to lie about all the bruises,
You just gave me more to have to explain.

When I finally came to my senses and turned you in,
I had to nter foster care and be alone once again.

When I called you 6 months later, you blames me and said I'm not your daughter.

When I called you one year later, you blamed me and said I can't be your daughter.

When I called you 2 years later, you said you were sorry.
When we hung up you called me back 5 minutes later and said I'm a peice of **** and it's all my fault.

Now you still just laugh at my sorrow.

Answer 1

Poorly written but the subject kept me reading. I wonder if that was intentional? It would read better without all the "When"'s
Every poet cringes when told to pare down the poetry. Part of poetry is the economy of words. Part of poetry is how to express oneself in an elegant way.

Answer 2

It's very sad, and I am glad you wrote it. I am sure many will relate to it.
However, it would make a better essay or short story (or book) than a poem.

Answer 3

i thgink iot is ok 6 out of 10

Answer 4

Good work......it's too bad so many kids live this horror.