Should I be expected to move past this?

Question

My husband cheated on me about 2 1/2 yrs ago with a woman he met for the purpose of cheating on me. He has also had several emotional affairs. He has some ongoing issues, & I have been patient, willing to work on us, doing most of the postaffair recovery. He seems to think it was wrong, says he was sorry, and that's basically it. I could get over all this, if he were to work on himself or us, but he doesn't (at least consistently or often). It's left to me. He also talks about other women he has been with, or propositioned while he is with me (in intimate ways). Sometimes when I ask him questions, his answers change. He recently told me of a detail of his OW while we were being initimate. It was something I asked him awhile back & received a different answer. He said he does it to get me going, or because it turns him on. The other day he did it cuz he was annoyed that I was annoyed with him, so he did it as punishment. How can I get over affairs when he keeps throwing it in my face?

Answer 1

Well one thing is for sure that the way he is handling things is not helping either one of you. It is so hard to move past the hurt when our husbands betray us. As women our intimacey is so special to us with the man we love. We wonder how they can act against our feelings and act like it should mean nothing....but it means everything to us when our feelings of security and self esteem are walked on. We still love them somehow and we try to forgive them but it's so hard to forget.....and when they come running back home to us we wonder if they really thought it was all worth it? The problem is we are the ones injured and in the dark when it comes to wondering what they thought or didn't think about it. Do they really realize and are they really sorry for the hurt and pain this causes us? It's always a question and we are always on edge trying to figure out an answer that we can live comfortably with. We just go on and the thoughts and pictures are in our heads forever with them. You both need to be in marriage counseling so that the things he is saying and doing can be pointed out to him so he understands what he needs to change here. We can't fight these feelings and emotions on our own when there is so much damage to the heart. We can't operate on ourselves that is why there are qualified people out there trained to help us. Your husband is still hurting you sweetie and he needs to stop or I am afraid one day you will leave him. If he doesn't work on things in a better way nothing is going to feel better for you. He has to realize what this has done to you .....and you need to know from him what his precautions will be to never hurt you again. Best wishes and I hope that everything gets better somehow.

Answer 2

Maybe there is no getting past it. He cheated and that's a fact. Can you trust him any longer? What sort of loving, caring person would specifically say something to you about their affair while you were being intimate. Is this someone that you truly want to live with for the rest of your life? Are you willing to allow him to abuse you in this mental and emotional way? You should think long and hard about what you are willing to be subjected to! Good luck, this is a hard place you're in right now. Keep your chin up!!

Answer 3

Listen, I'm gone cut to the chase. People often get married believing they know their partner. They only see what they want to see and ignore the rest. As a married person of over 20 years I can tell you that you will never fully know a person as we change as the years go by. However I will say this, there are signs along the way that we either miss or choose to ignore because we think somewhere in our minds that we can change this person into being what we want them to be. We all have ideas of who we want our partner to be. Let's keep it real. Ain't no perfect person. You can like 6 out of 10 things about someone but there are 4 other things that will bug the h@#$ out of you and ain't nothing you can do to change it. It is totally up to that person to want to change themselves or maybe that's the way they are and if you want to be with them (your choice) you will have to accept it. Each morning we wake up we are faced with choices and at the end of the day we hope that before we close our eyes to sleep again that we didn't hurt no one or cause ourselves any harm. Sugar, you can't work on no one but yourself. If that man doesn't want to change ain't nothing you can do about it. In this life we have to live and let live, give and take. We have to accept the things we cannot change. Sure you don't want your husband messing around with other women but until he grows up and stop acting like a kid in a toy store you, you know what your choices are. Look out for yourself. Too many times women put up with men acting like that (I did - not proud of it - ain't gone do it anymore - my doors don't have no locks that can't be opened basically) BUT.......Women will allow their man (and I know men are out numbered when it comes to women.) to have other women. Until we hold up a standard and love ourselves more this unfortunate pattern will continue. It has to start with you and me and all the women facing similar situations. You go girl, breathe, you're not a placemat, doormat, or a dogmat. Look out, your future looks brighter already.

Peace and Love

Answer 4

You definitely can't be expected to get over affairs that are thrown in your face. He does it because it gets you going and as punishment??? That's just sick. Your husband has a pattern of unfaithfulness and now he's being downright cruel to you. Why are you doing all the work? He's the one who is not being a good spouse.

Answer 5

You cant with a man who is not really sorry for his painful behavior and EXTREME lack of respect for you and himself as far as a marriage goes.
He just adds fuel to the fire with these kinds of behaviors. I would seriously seperate and let him know how much this effecting you and your guys marriage. In this time of seperation I would do whatever it takes (healthy) to restore the pain and find some outside support in healing ( counseling/groups self help books) and then wait and see how he acts. With time you will see if you need to get back with him or divorce. SOrry but he sounds immature and he needs a BIG TIME wake up call. sorry you are going threw this. My heart goes out to you .....whatever that means.

Answer 6

Hon, this man is severely emotionally stunted. His perverted need to "punish" you (for god knows what) is the behavior of a three-year-old.
Discussing his "other women" with you while you're being intimate??? Please! WHY on earth do you put up with this behavior?
And....the fact that his answers "change" indicates that he's obviously a liar. You're an extremely intelligent and insightful woman; please have some self-respect and move ON from this loser.

Answer 7

Got to tell you it's difficult to get over something that is thrown in your face all the time. He seems to take pleasure in your misery. Not a guy I would want to invest too much more time with. Especially since he doesn't think he needs to work on himself and you have to ante up on your end. My thought is to send him on his merry way and be done with him.

Answer 8

It sounds like he cheated and got caught, not he cheated and felt remorse and has changed his ways. If he keeps throwing it your face he has no regard for your feelings and is NOT sorry he cheated. Which means only one thing, he will do it again. Personally I think you need to move on without him.

Answer 9

Sometimes, there isn't any way to get past it.

Sounds like you have tried but he won't let it go. It also sounds like he might be reverting back to past behavior.

You should not accept any of this behavior!

I am a big proponent of trying to make things work but that only happens when both parties are totally commited.

Answer 10

First, Tell him you are not a "Relief Sponge" for his problems. You don't want to know that baggage.
Some guys get off hearing the woman talk about what she has done with others, but not his wife.
I don't think he will stop cheating and will want to apologize to you so he can talk about it with you during sex.
Consider moving on.