If you want kids, and the person you are with doesn't know if they do, is it wise to stay with them?

Question

My boyfriend has a child from a previous marriage. I am also divorced, but with no kids. I have always wanted to be a mom, but he isn't sure if he wants any more children. I am happy with him, as I have had a series of unsuccessful relationships. What is the best thing to do? Should I stay with the man I love, or try to find someone who wants kids, but run the risk of not being happy with them?

Answer 1

If you truly want children and are certain he does not then your paths are not going the same direction anyway. What I mean is that is a difficult question. Are you more happy knowing you have a good relationship with this man risking having children or do you think having children would make your life complete? Depends on what you want most..

Answer 2

I'll tell you from experience, it's a heck of a lot easier to find somebody willing to have children with you then it is to find somebody that you truly love. If you have somebody that you treasure, that should be your most important consideration.

If you drop him and go with somebody else, you are just as likely to have regrets about THAT decision as you are about not having kids. You'll always wonder what life would have been like with that really special guy you let go.

It doesn't matter what decision you make, you'll always be curious about the path you didn't take. Personally, I think you'd be a fool to leave somebody special, that you love. The Earth won't suffer from human depopulation, just because you don't have kids. The human race will continue, just fine.

You should learn to be happy with your already fantastic situation. Learn to know that every choice you make closes the door on an infinite number of other choices, and be happy with the path you have chosen.

Don't undervalue love that you already have. It isn't a cheap disposable thing. If you found it easily, then you are far luckier then most people. Don't count on being so lucky twice.

Answer 3

First off how old are you? If you are young and I am willing to bet you are not over 21. If this is not working for you and you love him yes you could stay with him and have that longing for children or you can find out what you want by you and for you. Life is not worth living If you don't take a risk. Yea, the two of you could marry and you could want a child no matter what and he decides that he hated kids in general, then what? have a baby anyway and then he hating you or could decide to not have a baby and miss out on some great things in life.
Make a decision and stand by it, never settle for second best.

Answer 4

That's tough but ultimately you are the only one who can answer this question. My advice though is that you need to figure out what you want more. If you are debating only because you are afraid that you can't find another good relationship, than it sounds like you really want kids more than you want this boyfriend. If that is true, don't feel guilty and don't be scared either. It not fair to either one of you to stay in a relationship that you will ultimately resent. That said, it's not fair to string somebody along. You need to tell him how you really feel and depending on what his response is, make a decision once and for all. It won't be easy, but I believe you will be glad you did the right thing in the long run.
I hope that helps and good luck!

Answer 5

First, ask yourself why it is that you want children. Not everyone who wants them should have them. Ask yourself what kind of a life you can give a child -- be realistic. If you need children to make up for some lack in your own life; if you think having a child will give you someone who will always love you; if you want the chance to prove to yourself that you will be a better mother than your own, then having children will bring you nothing but huge disappointment.

After you've answered that question, then ask yourself if this boyfriend is the best one to provide the stability and love that you and your children will need to grow into the best human beings they can be.

Answer 6

I think maybe if he has done the whole married with kids thing he maybe ready to enjoy the fruits of his labor and go on vacations or save for something he's always wanted or wine and dine the woman he loves...If it is the fact you want your own CHILD and you two are at different paths maybe he is not the one you were meant to be with but are you young enough to start all over again and find a man looking for a child and would be a good father?? You might end up happier loving his child LIKE your own and getting a puppy OF your own. Love is not easy to find as you mentioned..

Answer 7

Oh my..........you can not change someone on this serious issue. You will want children, and he is "unsure" and you will either be resentful and unhappy or you will tamper with your birth control and have an "oops" baby in the hopes that he will change once he holds the precious baby. He is telling you the truth. If you can live with it, then go for it. If this is too important of an issue...then cut your losses and leave to find someone who holds the same values as you do. Do not grab on to a guy just because he hasn't broke up with you. Decide if this is a good match or not. That is all it has to be.

Answer 8

Find someone who wants kids or be satisfied with having his to take care of. Kids are a big responsibility. Most people who work hard these days just want all the money and no kids or grandkids, less trouble. Kids are fun and bring some life to a relationship, but if they bring unresolvable tension, then there is a problem. Perhaps your husband has found that in his life the latter occurred. Sad, but maybe true and perhaps he is afraid to lose you to that situation. Cute...but maybe also true?

Answer 9

Just talk to him about it! You need to figure this out *now* before you get too emotionally involved, trust me on this, I've been through this before.

My boyfriend was absolutely sure he didn't want kids, and I loved him so I thought, hey, I have a daughter already, I don't need anymore. I tried to change for him, but I found out that I couldn't do it--I needed more kids to be happy. I told him that and we broke up for about 3 days.

Thankfully we both wisened up and got back together over a compromise--that we will have kids someday, as many as we can afford, but only when HE is ready and comfortable to be a father...in the meantime, we would have my daughter from a previous relationship, and she would get us through until then. It'll be 5-6 years for me, but he's worth the wait and it's good to know there's a future between us!

What you need to do is sit down with him and talk to him about it. Try something like this:

"I've been thinking about it and I really want to have kids someday. I know you already have one but in the future I want to have my own. I need to know how you feel about this."

He'll tell you honestly--either he'll be ready to have more down the road, or he doesn't want anymore, and you'll have your answer. If he wants them eventually, then great! If he doesn't, and you do, it's best for the both of you if you let him go.

Having kids is the one thing you both need to agree on in a relationship. Trust me.

I hope it all works out for you!

Answer 10

You need to either decide to not have kids or find a new man. He doesn't want to have kids, and is only saying that he is not sure because he doesn't want to lose you. However you don't want to have kids with a man that doesn't want them, horrible mistake. Keep in mind, just because the two of you care for each other, doesnt' mean you are right for each other. He is at a different point in his life, if you can't accept that then you need to move on. There is nothing wrong with that for either of you, it's just how life works.