Any advice on how to approach sex with a spouse who is not open to different things?

Question

When I ask my spouse to try different things, she is visibly offended and/or will say that because I did not approach it correctly (i.e. not enough foreplay, wrong tone of voice, bad timing, etc.) it turns her off. Any advice?

Answer 1

Hmmmm.... sounds like you have had a rough go of it. Wrong tone of voice? Seriously? Sounds like a bunch of crap to me.

Sex is supposed to be something that is mutually enjoyable and you have a right to try something enjoyable to YOU as long as it does not impinge on her comfort level (a threesome may be out, as is sex in public, for instance).

Otherwise, sounds like she is just feeding you a line of b*****t and she is simply not interested.

Answer 2

I hate to sound absolutely crass, but whether you had a sexual relationship with her before you married her or not, you should have had enought foresight to talk about this kind of thing. all awkwardness aside, you knew what you were interested in sexually, and you also knew that you were going to be with her for a very long time, maybe even for the rest of you life, and if you weren't comfortable talking about sexual interests, then that's your bad. Sounds to me like she's just being prudish. Unless she has been raped or molested, causing emotional trauma and fear of certain things, she should not refuse you. My husband and I made it very clear to each other what we were and were not willing to do sexually, so there would be none of this. we have done anal, role-playing, S&M, all that stuff. Not bragging, just saying that when there is trust, love, and desire, there is no problem. She should know that you love her and respect her and that if something hurts her, you will stop, and that you won't humiliate her. Other than that, if she is being picky enough to say that your tone of voice is wrong, that is ridiculous. sounds to me like there is bigger problem with her than just not enough foreplay. You need to have a serious discussion about her attitude, and always give her enough foreplay. Hey, if she's not getting what she wants and needs, why should she give you what you want, right? Remember that she needs reassurance, and never to imply that she is a sex object or that she *owes you* (which she kindof does, being your wife and all, but shhh), and let her know that you won't hurt her unless she likes that kind of thing muahahaha. Maybe be sneaky, give her some alcohol (no, I don't mean drug her), and start asking her about her fantasies. Be sincere, and tell her that you feel that you aren't doing your job right and want to please her, and not to be embarassed. you never know what may come of it. If none of this works, you need to talk to her about her attitude towards toy period, not just in the bedroom. This hasd worked both ways for my husband and I, and where things will never be perfect, our sex life is never boring or unsatisfied.

Answer 3

There are several questions I'd need answered to be able to give this question the best possible answer. Was she ever molested/raped? How long have you been married? If she has been molested/raped- she could be very uncomfortable with sex and may need a little reassurance before even being able to get to the level you need her to be at. Even if this is not the case, for some reason she is not comfortable with it. This doesn't mean it will always be like that but the ONLY way to get that to change is to be understanding of what it is she needs. Some of the other answers you've been given for this question are absolutely appalling. If you truly love your wife, you wouldn't cheat on her or push her. But she can change. Encourage her when you make love and openly express how much you enjoy it so she will get more comfortable. Slowly, this will allow you to try new things bit by bit. And not that you'd really care but I was once much like her (with the history of sexual abuse) and was not comfortable with sex. But because my husband was so understand and loving and wanted me to be happy too- not only am I comfortable in bed, it's the greatest sex I've ever had, we're both happy and we have a freaker sex life than any of my non-married friends!

Answer 4

maybe she just needs time to warm up to some ideas. maybe u could try getting a book (a tasteful one since ur wife seems to be a little taken aback by the whole thing...something written by a christian married couple or something...maybe it wont turn her off that way) and ask her to highlight anything she might be interested in. tht way, ur giving her control over what she feels comfortable doing and ur also getting to try new things urself. they may not be what u would suggest at first, but maybe if u give it some time and dont reject her ideas, she'll warm up to the whole thing. also, make sure u start small if u suggest something and let her know that if she doesnt enjoy it, u'll stop, no questions asked. and if she suggests something that u dont particularly want to try, dont just shoot it down like shes weird or something. just say that u feel a little uneasy about it right now but that maybe u wouldnt mind trying it later...or u could tell her that u will try one thing she wants to try if she'll try one thing u want to try. the main thing to remember is to approach the subject gentally...dont just spring it on her. she might feel like ur doing something dirty so reassure her that its ok to mix things up every now and then (that book might come in handy here too!) oh and if u do get a book, i dont know ur wife so be careful how u present it to her....u know her better than anyone so u will hopefully be able to judge how best to approach that part...hopefully, u never asked her to join in on a threesome or anything because then i could see why she would be closed minded about it, but it doesnt sound like thats the case....best of luck to you...happy experimenting!

Answer 5

Forget answer #1. This will just get you in touble and you will probably loose ground. #2 is partly right. The key is in the question it's self, not enough forplay, ETC. This isn't something you can rush. Do it like you were trying to get next to a dog you were afraid was going to bite. Pretend she has that dog and you are trying to get next to her. Use lots of forplay, make her so hot she is ready for just about anything. and then use more. Time is on your side, just don't rush into it. Good luck!!!

Answer 6

Look at it from her side. That is what my husband does. There are times when we have situations like that, but then other times, we really have a great time in the rompus room. A LOT depends on his approach, to be honest. I find the best times happen when he goes out of his way to make me feel special. He takes me to this little Italian restaurant, and that does it for me. Maybe for her it's a walk on the beach, a card that says something from your heart, play soft music in the background--something like smooth R&B, a small glass of wine may loosen her up, but don't overdo it. Open your heart to her, and be gentle. She is not a citadel to be taken by force. Give her a massage--women love that. Start by stroking her hair, rub her shoulders, rub her feet last---then wash your hands before moving on with things...you get the picture.

Answer 7

What about not asking, surprise her....take control and put her in the position you want, or pull out the toys during sex. It's pretty obvious that asking her isn't going to get anywhere...so use the element of surprise and let her see that she likes it.

If that doesn't work take her to therapy to find out what her sex issues are....fear, past abuse, etc.

And explain to her that you love her and want to take your sex life to a new level, and you want to experiment with her on a new adventure.

Answer 8

Maybe purchase an illustrated book of different sexual positions and read it with your spouse at bedtime. That might be less threatening to her and you might discover some things she's interested in that you don't know about! Also, a cocktail or two might help release some inhibitions.

Answer 9

Get her almost to the point of explosion then ask her what would turn her on in a sexy way, or watch some movies with her while you devote all your attention to her watch what excites her, if she keeps being unresponsive she isnt that into YOU. give up and find one you can have fun with

Answer 10

Read a book For You Both (Or For Each Other, I forget) by Lonnie Barbach, THE sex therapist in the country today... cheap in paperback anywhere.. all of her stuff is good.