My husband cheated, he is depressed, and will only make promises but not act on them. What should I do?

Question

We have been married for almost 8 years and have 2 kids. I found out he was cheating on me, at the beginning he did not accept it, but later he did and agreed to go to counseling. He has told me he ended it, but I recently saw old pictures of them posted on the "other womans" webite, posted after they supposedly ended it. He has not changed his cellphone or given me his email password so that I can have some type of proof that it is really over. He promises to do whatever I want one day, and the next he takes it back. He does not make me feel loved or wanted, but he insists that he does and wants to make it work. He is very unstable emotionaly, so I told him 2 days ago that it was over, to call me only about the kids, but other than that I wasn't interested. He is on medication for his depression, but what am I supposed to do? I have given him many chances and he just won't cooperate. I feel so insecure about his feelings. Any advice? THANKS!

Answer 1

If you want it to work...you two need to sit down and make some ground rules. You need to get what you need and so does he. If you need a cell # change and passwords...get them right then...listen to what he needs and then follow through together...otherwise...get your divorce started...there is no life in limbo...

Answer 2

There's nothing you can do. He's the one who has to decide to be honest and respectable. So, until he does/doesn't follow through, drop it. Do what you need to do in a day.

Don't bring up negative conversation. You can say, "Junior threw a killer curve ball today." Or "Suzie dyed her hair" Or "The petunias are blooming." and that's all. Only extremely neutral subjects.

Eat well. Get enough sleep. Take a multi-vitamin. Stop holding your breath.

You Can Not fix this. You cannot "fix" another person, ok? So, take an objective step back once you've had some rest and a good cry, and ask yourself, "Is this something I would want for someone I care about?"

Then find your path.

You can apply for child support now. You do not need an attorney. Just go to Family Court, fill out the paperwork, turn it in, ask for a copy, and go to your court date. Child support is retroactive to the day you file, so do that on Monday. You don't have to be divorced or separated, he just has to be the father of the children.

As far as the wording in your Custody, avoid "visitation" as it implies he is visiting. Try "Shared Parenting". With shared parenting he would take the kids half the time. Visitation is 4 days a month, standard and optional and unenforceable. I am currently trying to find out if legally Shared Parenting is enforceable. I think it is. Also, I am not sure what impact this has on child support, although one woman on here was in a Shared Parenting plan and did receive Child support. It sounds awful, to not have your kids half the time, but by the time my ex was gone one year, neglected to call or see the kidsexcept on very rare occasions, since visitation is optional and unenforceable, I was burned out. So, the kids had no dad, and a burned out mom. I don't know. You have to decide.

Answer 3

If he cannot co-operate and do what it takes it really is time to move on, to carry on this way only tells him that you accept this situation.
You may want to sit him down the next time he does feel guilty and tell him that he could have fixed this by being honest, but dishonesty kills a lot of things, and it killed what you did have. He needs to realse, but I have the feeling that he is listening to something the other woman is saying.
The fact that he didn't immediately stand up and say it really was over etc when you said it was over just says it all, he was lying all the time, and lying is something he can rather do to the other woman, you're worth more.
Think about it this way, he can still be a father figure, but if he could lie to you and cheat on you, he will probably do it to her too. Rather her than you.
His depression is his problem, not yours, had he been honest and actually tried to fix things he most likely would not be so depressed, but instead he wanted to ahve his cake and eat it. Well, these are not the dark ages any more.

Answer 4

Well, I hate to say this, but his depression is exactly what the other person said about being a cakeman. He is bummed the party is over. Here is info. on Cakeman from Dr. Roger Rhoades article:

In a man's way of thinking, staying with his wife makes all the sense in the world.

If he leaves his wife, then they will have to split up their possessions as well as their bills. In many times it takes a man several years to recover from this.

On the other hand, if he keeps the wife, he gets to keep his lifestyle going with only a minor glitch. The minor glitch is that he will have to act like he is real sorry, dump the old girlfriend, wait awhile, and then go back out and find a new girlfriend.

One of the major reasons men become Cakemen is because they do not want to grow up. It takes a mature adult to handle the day to day responsibilities of a monogamous relationship.

When a man has to see a women everyday and negotiate bills, affection, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and personal undesirable behavior, he longs for a simpler way of living. He wants to be a grown up, but somewhere in his soul he wants all the benefits and none of the responsibility.

Having a woman on the side allows him to play two different roles at the same time. In his mind the pressures of married life can be released by having a sexual relationship with someone else.

In his marriage he can play responsible man and co-decision maker, while in his affair, he can call all the shots and be the lord of the relationship.

The second major reason a man becomes a Cakeman is to keep the feeling of being a player.

When a man gets married, many times he sees himself as being caught or conquered. It is now time for him to go out to pasture and be used as a stud service.

In his eyes, he is slowly, but surely becoming his dad. His days of being a major competitor are over. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would make a man feel old before his time.

One of the easiest and most available ways to feel young and in the game is to get into an affair. Now he is desirable. Now he is a man's man.

He is now feeling young and, even though his conscience might be bothering him, the thrill of being a player certainly outweighs those negative thoughts.

The final reason that men cheat on their wives, but don't leave them, is that it is a safety net.

Very few men get excited about a full blown gamble. They want to believe that they at least have a 50/50 chance of winning. If there is any way to stack the cards in their favor, they are going to do it.

This is the thinking behind having a wife and a girlfriend. If for some reason a man's wife is unwilling to be affectionate when and how he wants, then he has his girlfriend to take up the slack.

If a man wants to be the center of attention and the mister know-it-all, but his wife deflates his ego, then he can go to his girlfriend for a good dose of hero worshipping.

It is not just the wife who gets the short end of the stick, the girlfriend also suffers. At some time, most girlfriends who have heard a man say he hates his wife will entertain the subject of divorce or even marriage.

When a Cakeman is confronted with this issue, he is able to make excuses and fall back into a dilemma of commitment or what is the "right" thing to do. This position successfully keeps the girlfriend at bay for fear that she might lose him.

The sad part of all this behavior is that seldom if ever does everyone come out on top. Usually one or more people suffer deep, long lasting wounds from this type of situation.

Some women are unable or unwilling to trust another man after being with a Cakeman.

These men also suffer from this type of behavior. They never really grow up and take their place in a responsible society. They fill their lives with lies and deceit, which in the long run affect their coping skills and their performance on a job.

Women are putting their lives on hold in hopes that their Cakeman will finally leave their wife and make them the center of their lives.

Finally, if children are involved, the destruction is unbelievable. Counseling offices are filled with children who either caught their father with another woman or had to live in a family where lying was the major form of communication.

Answer 5

I would seek out a good attorney and file for divorce. I know it's scary with 2 kids because I'm going through it now as well. You'll be much better off without him and his lies. He broke the vows. He lied. He continues to be untruthful and isn't being open with you. Therefore you need to assume he is still in the affair. Don't worry about him... he didn't worry about you or the kids when he was having his fun. Let him go and move on.

No, it's not fair that you should have to pick up these pieces of the now brokem family that he so willing tossed away, but you can do it. You can move on to bigger and better things.

Good luck, and I'm pulling for you!

Answer 6

If he wasnt't suffering from depression before all of this, then he's having withdrawals from the other woman. It happens with intense affairs. He's flaky about his decisions because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants the stability of a home life with you & the other woman on the side. It sounds like he didn't come clean with you about this and that you called him out on it, which means that although it's out in the open now, he would still be in the affair had you not said something. You should feel insecure about his feeling....he lied to you and cheated on you. He's doing nothing to show that he's serious about working on this. I hate to say it but in my opinion, you need to move forward with a divorce. Leopards don't change their spots. Good luck.

Answer 7

Honestly , Once a cheat, always a cheat. He is only depressed because he got caught, and is playing on your emotions. You did the right thing by calling it quits. All you need to talk about now is the kids. Good Luck with all you do, and someday you will find someone who will love you for you and be honest with you and faithful.

Answer 8

I know it is hard especially you guys have two kids together. However, put the children aside, ask yourself if you are happy and you have to be honest. This is the man who has cheated on you. This is the man who has made promises which he does not keep. If there is no trust in a marriage, there will be no marriage. Who cares about his depression. Your future is in your own hand.

Answer 9

In this situation, I think he needs a wake-up call.

Move out. Stay with a family member or a friend and take the kids with you. If you do this, he might be a little more perceptive and realize if he really wants to stay with you or not, and the distance might help you clear your head a little too.

Answer 10

Not a good place for the children. Mom is sad, dad is depressed. What are you teaching them? Even if they don't know what happened, they know all is not right in dad's world. Be strong, for them. Hopefully you have a support system, family members to help you cope. Keep up with the therapy. My prayers are with all of you.