after 17 yrs how do i trust her again?

Question

back in december, my wife told me had feelings for another man..he was her boss(he is married also)..she hid talking to him on the phone at all hours of the night while i was away..she hid having lunch with him, and meeting him in a different town, until she was caught, and rumors forced her to leave me and her job...we had a rough past three yrs, i was laid off, almost lost our home, we lost a baby, and lost our friendship.....i filed for divorve in january, the custody hearing was in feb, were the judge split our two kids up...needless to say, the very next day she wanted to meet me...we spent the weekend together and talked, she wants to work things out...she is now back at home, but i have a really hard time trusting her when shes late from work, when she goes out with her friends and does not call...is she done with this guy? she tells me yes, and i need to trust her and stop bringing all that up......
what to do??? can it work...??

Answer 1

It will NEVER work....there has been too much damage. I wish you the best.....move on!

Answer 2

Yes, you do need to trust her if she is being trustworthy. She made a big mistake. We all do at some point in our lives. Now, the question will be if she repeats it. You can choose to live in the past,or in the present. Your choice. You can continue to drudge up the mistake of yesterday, and bring them into today, and kill today, or you can forgive. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, not the other person. You need to decide what you need from her to feel the trust again, without smothering her. Chances are when she slipped in the marriage, she needed the vigor the new relationship provided, selfish - absolutely. Forgivable, yes. Sentancing her to a life as a cheater - nope. Good luck. You can let this hurt you forever, or move forward, work through your resentments, figure out what you did wrong in your marriage when she did cheat, accept your part of the marriage going bad, and move forward now, without blaming her for everything bad. Maybe you were not there the way she needed you when she did cheat. Accept your part, forgive, and move on, but stay into today or you will kill what you could have, by bringing all the past wrongs into it.

Answer 3

Do not let her make you feel any worst than you already feel, you have every right to feel that way. She need to have patience no matter how long it take she needs to fix this. She will feel the same way or even worst if you did this. She still goes out having a good time, she may not want you to do that if it was reversed. She needs to keep your feelings in consideration and help you get through this whatever it takes, do not let her turn it around saying your insecure or you have a problem. She has a problem for her uncontrollable emotions and hurting you like that. She wants to hold on the marriage right. Well this is her fault and she needs to fix it. It will take a while for you to get over it and I truly think it has to take two of you working through this. It can work just tell her to give you the time you need no matter how long it is and work with you, and you need to work hard not to bring it up or live it again. She probably doesn't want to be reminded and so do you. Be strong and good luck!

Answer 4

healing will take time I suggest you guys seek out marriage counseling to get through this sometimes when someone is on the outside looking in giving their input it can help the couple see things that they may have otherwise overlooked. Sometimes it's not the trust that's the issue it could be just the whole idea of what she did to get you guys in this situation. At the end of the day you guys need to look at what you have together a home children and a family and ask yourselves is it worth fighting for?

Answer 5

first - you need to get into marriage counseling.

Second, she needs to understand that she can no longer just go off...you should be able to call her at any random time and know where she is, she should be telling you every detail. She owes that to you...if she is unwilling to prove her loyaly in that way,then I'd seriously question if she IS being faithful & loyal.

Normally I don't advise stuff like this, but you have very reason not to trust her until she proves it to you, you can go to a "spy store" (they are online and you may even be able to find one in your town) and put a tracking device on the car. (A lot of parents use them to find out where their kids are really going) depending onthe model, you can track it real time onthe computer or download where she has been from the software...just for your peace of mind...

Answer 6

OMG forget the counselling! She obviously loves you ffs and she's there isn't she????? Let it go and forget about what she did because it isn't a big deal honestly! She loves you and you know it and she's there isn't she? You guys actually went through all that crap for nothing and wasted your money on lawyers and what not. It was a lust thing and she obviously needed it because you weren't giving it to her. Start to be more creative in the love department with her. Start to be sweet to her and surprise her. Stop being angry with her and hurt or whatever! Yes it will work if you try at it. She's trying so now you need to try

Answer 7

Once you have lost that trust in her, would you be able to trust her again? Think about it? If she is capable of having an affair behind your back. She is capable of doing it again. Does she love you anyway?
If she still comes back home late at times and not call you, it could be she is with her man. If she comes back home late and not call you, why not u call her and see if she answers your call, if she does answer your call. try talking to her and ask her where she is.

Answer 8

Same thing happened to me. She came back after she had an affair, We worked things out as least I thought and she met another guy three years later. Gave me no notice cleaned out the house and our savings and took off. It took me four year's to get over her. Then I thank God it was the best thing that could have happened. A zebra can't change their strips.

Answer 9

In my case.....we went to counseling. She had to give me all her pass words for her cell phone voice mail, her work voice mail, her email pass words( both work and home) . She had to tell me where she was going and with who. I had the right to show up anywhere un announced. We also signed a "mid-Nuptial agreement that if she cheated again or if it was even construed that she was cheating, divorce proceedings began immediately and she would forfeit her rights to our money and processions. Thing have been going pretty well.

Answer 10

I know that everyone says this but...you two need to go to counselling. You need to openly talk about what you are feeling and she owes you the listening. She needs to be able to tell you things and you also need to listen. Trust is a hard one...I think that will come slowly if you let it. You need to give her the opportunity to prove that she can be trusted.

Talk to her using EXACT WORDS to tell her what you need from her...make sure that whatever you ask for you are prepared to get...and then ask her what she needs...

People are not mind readers and they need the actual words...this will prevent miscommunications.

Answer 11

it's possible that she's realized how stupid she was and how good she had it and that she wants to try again. however, if you can't be comfortable trusting her, it's not going to work. you'll always have that question in the back of your mind. may be time too call it a day.