What do you think of my poem "Surface"?

Question

lying here with you on the surface of the moon,
hearts at recommended safe distance.
earthrise begins as our dark blanket recedes.
gravity offers little resistance.
no atmosphere needed,
we’re breathing just fine,
on this cold , grey sphere in earth’s shade.
floating above silence,
oblivious of time,
in this perfect lunar daydream we’ve made.

©A.Byers2007

Answer 1

It's not bad, but the title belies the theme. The people together are feeling very deeply, but the title suggests an ironic shallowness that you probably didn't mean to convey. I would definitely change the title. It's very misleading.

Answer 2

On first reading, I like it but don't quite understand it.
On second reading, I loved the line "hearts at recommended safe distance."
On third reading, I had a hard time with that same line because the poem implied more intimacy overall.
Finally, for me, I felt that certain images in the poem compete with each other. It left me just a little confused about the relationship. If that is what you wanted to convey, then you have succeeded.

Answer 3

I like it.
It describes the isolation of young love--when two lovers have no time for anyone else. But it is isolation and soon the love will become cloying--airless like the moon.
Just don't descrivbe the moon as grey--it has more colour than that.

Answer 4

I like the style, it`s a sort of matter of fact, straight faced delivery of something really odd. I`m gonna check out your other stuff now.

Answer 5

I think you are on the right track with this idea, and should keep developing it. Well done

Answer 6

I agree with Elaine

Answer 7

I think your poem is very cool and futuristic.
I like it because it's different.
Keep writing!

Answer 8

perfection of course