Do you like my poem "My Only Sunshine"? (no "spacing" this time...)?

Question

Encircling you with hands created to create. Your fires burn a light year away.
Defying cowardly distance,
your warmth germinates in every fiber
as searing light penetrates my darkest hours.
Blinding me with clear visions,
hovering quietly above shores unknown. Gentle waters cool my parched feet. Crystalline sands wash away imperfections, and castle walls brace for high tide.
My silhouette appears around you and you swallow my colors as they bleed into yours. Each drop painting a forlorn reality seemingly impossible,
and unreal.
Tainting waking moments as solid matter dwindles in compare...

to my only sunshine.

Answer 1

Write it in paragraph, rather than verse form and you'll understand that it isn't a poem. What you've written is poetic prose.

Answer 2

I agree that this is more an essay or prose and not a poem.

Question - why is the distance 'cowardly'? This does not add anything to your work. Something about the distance of the sushine is inspiring the speaker. Is the distance overwhelming maybe?

Germination, warmth, hovering, quietly, gentle, cool, wash, dwindle - all rather passive, calm, relaxing wording.

Burn, searing, penetrate, blinding, brace, bleed, tainting - aggressive wording.

But you've mixed them together without reason.

There is an obvious sense of awe here, but you have not identified it yet. You are reaching for your meaning, but you have not got it in your grasp. Your language is getting in your way.

For example - an unknown shore cannot be unknown if the speaker has their feet in the water, sees the sand to know it is crystals and not rocks and sees the castle walls. The name of the shore may be unknown, but the shore is known.

Either lose the specifics or the generalities and give the awe and attention to the sunshine, not the descriptions.

Answer 3

Sorry
for me this does not work very well.
I really don`t like some of the lines, they don`t ring or make any sense, and some of words are also poorly chosen or arranged

eg. hands created to create
Defying cowardly distance,
cool my parched feet
My silhouette appears around you and you swallow my colors as they bleed into yours. Each drop painting a forlorn reality seemingly impossible,
and unreal.
Tainting waking moments as solid matter dwindles in compare...

to my only sunshine

I believe you have some ability
I liked
castle walls brace for high tide.
light penetrates my darkest hours
Blinding me with clear visions,
sands wash away imperfections

hey its just my one opinion
Keep writing

Answer 4

This one has definitely got potential but needs another edit to make it hang together more . It`s got that oddball appeal about it like "surface". I don`t know what to suggest but I will say that "crystalline" seems superfluous and sounds like you are trying too hard. Also "castle walls brace" works well enough but "battlements brace" is worth considering as it give a kind of bounce when you say it. I think maybe " your warmth......" could swap places with "defying cowardly........."
Good stuff though, original and dead odd.

Answer 5

Perfect except for the word bleed. I know colors bleed, but the violent connotation is too strong here.

Answer 6

this is great but you don't have to use such big words it makes it seem like you're trying to be way to profound. but besides that it's beautiful! keep writing!

Answer 7

you really hav a way with words