value in self other than looks?

Question

I posted a question a week or two ago about finding something outside of my spouse to make me happy. I got lots of good answeres-thankyou.
I am realizing as I read those and did some thinking, that I think I need my spouses approval all the time because I put all my value in my looks. I have always gotten LOTS of attention from men for my looks. From the time I was about 15. Now I am 38 and as I age and have put on some pounds, I still can get attention (looks, winks, hit on etc) but it is dwindeling and will continue to as I age I am sure. But I am realizing that is where I have always believed my value to be. The only positive things ever said to me were "your beautiful", oh, you have the pretty daughter" etc. Now, I am searching all over for my value as I loose my looks. Maybe it is why I am having a harder time with my spouse as he does not tell me often I look pretty. How does one let go of thinking their value is in one thing and they loose it and see value no where eles? Thanks

Answer 1

I went through this too, except my looks changed radically.

I had cancer 10 years ago, lost my hair and it grew back really thin and spotty. The first time my family saw me after treatment my mother and grandmother started crying because I wasn't "pretty" anymore. I got depressed. Gained weight.

What helped me was meeting new people who didn't know the "before" me. They accept me as I am now. They helped me realize that I am a smart, funny, interesting person that deserves to be loved and have friends.

It's not easy. Sometimes I still feel bad. My closest friends made me a print out of everything that is wonderful about me and what they get out of the relationship. I posted it above my desk. It's corny, but it helps.

Answer 2

Hum, sounds like you need to develop an identity that is independent of the approval or disapproval of others. In other words, you need to learn find something in yourself that you can be proud of, and like, irregardless if anyone else notices you or not. You have to be comfortable with who you are. There are books written on this subject, and I cannot cover all of the material in such a short space.

For starters, don't have a job where you have been promoted, or a degree from some school where you graduated? Can't you find some value in these accomplishments?

If not, then maybe you could take up a hobby that you always wanted to try, like painting. Once you started to become better at it, you could feel good about your accomplishments.

Or better yet, volunteer for some charity. You could feel good knowing that you helped other people.

Not to be harsh, but I also noticed that good looking people tend to lack good social skills, because they have always gotten by on their looks. Learn to be outgoing, friendly, and develop the ability to make people laugh, and you won't need good looks to get attention (Most of us normal people have learned to get attention through our personality rather than our looks since we had no choice.).

Answer 3

as women we all think like this.... me too at your age
BUT the GOOD NEWS is that as you mature.. into your 40's and later you will aquire a more lovely look about yourself.. you will be growing and maturing and it look great on most women.. I get looks and comments frequently ( mind you I work in the public ) I am feeling more alive at 50 than I ever did before.. I care less about what people think and more about what I think and what I want and what make ME happy... it is a whole reawakening for women at this age... so don't fret... it really does ONLY GET BETTER as we grow older........

ps
I have been married 33 years.. my husband rarely says I am beautiful or pretty... and I don't care.. I like myself better at this age... and feel wonderful... I live..I laugh..I love ...even with a few pounds more , a few more wrinkles and all.. I would never go back to my 30's