My husband cheated on me for a year, 3 years ago?

Question

I found out when it was over, since then he has spend all his time being nice (not kiss-*** nice) but more caring, more open, more human..... I went ahead since i could have done the same, and would have wanted another chance.....he's not given me any reason to suspect/or worry about my decision.

But the hurt refuses to go away, i am the one harming the relationship now, by turning every small argument into the old discussion cos i hurt when he even does thinks like forget to pick up something from the market, and then i take it out on him....i know its unfair to him and the relationship....

pl be sensitive and dont make fun of the obviously hurting situation, what do you think i should do....

Answer 1

Don't hold a grudge. Please pray on it and find the strength to genuinely forgive him. This wasn't just a fling, it was a longlasting affair, and I understand your hurt. I applaud you on staying with him. So many people get divorced over the smallest things, and you have the courage to stick with it even after this. Since you are staying with him of your own choice, you need to forgive him. Talk to eachother. Ask him to tell you what happened. How it started, How he kept it secret, Why he let it go on so long, Why he didn't just divorce you, all the questions you have to ask him, anything you need to know. Maybe even write them down, all the things you need to say to him. You obviously love him so much to stay with him. You just have some emotionally hurdles to cross as well. Good luck!

Answer 2

You need to re-write that, you were together for 3.5 years before you "caught" your hsuband cheating. No telling if this was the first time, or the only one. It sounds like you have worked through it until now, but still have a little doubt and mistrust inside. I would think that is only normal, but as long as it doesn't eat you up, then keep working on it. Did you discuss the reasons as to why he cheated in the first place? Let me guess, lack of physical attention and not making him feel like a king in his own castle. So have you worked on those things? Yeah, I know it seems rather odd that the person doing the cheating should be rewarded with more sex, better sex, and different kinds of sex but that is what you have. To keep him happy, you have to keep him satisfied in that department. So if nothing has changed there, chances are he still has needs to satisfy.

Answer 3

Hi,I have been through the same situation.it is 7 months now since I cought him red-handed and I have had many arguments with him.the concouler told me not to do any arguments anymore and more importnatly not to mention about that incindent in any arguments.he said it is very much important as "He has done something wrong once and if you keep mentioning it ,it means that doing it once or 100 times is equal"...
it is really hard to forget such a thing ,but remember noone of us is really a holly person and we are bond to make mistakes.it is sometimes important to show people that you have a big soul and look at him from a higher point of view.
I have taken up Yoga since then and it really helps.
We all do make mistakes ,and adultry happens in many marriages,but some wives/husband never get to know about it( good for them) .Since you say you have found out about it when it was over I wish you never came to know about it either.because most of the time it gets over on it own as the passion fades but the hurt remains for a very long time.
try to forgive him for the sake of your own calmness and peace.Try to be nice to him ,and this will make him mor ashamed of what he did.good luck.

Answer 4

talking about making mountain out of molehill.... why keep digging on issues resolved? true, he hurted you and is now making up the lost time which you recognized. why not focus on that decision of accepting and giving him a chance to prove his worth? it was your decision to forgive and move on...who forgets the pain of betrayal & unfaithfulness alright but as humane as we want to be, some things happened even with the best precautions in life. When you are faced into such dilemma, its either you learn to forgive (but not forget) and give it another shot or close the whole chapter of it and lose the person you love so much because at one time he did you wrong. Whereas, choosing to forgive and see things onward instead of backwards, you can still be together and even won the battle over the devil who could have put an end to your happiness. Life is not a bed of roses and if any difficulties arises along the journey and were taken with thoroughness, a supposed to be a happy ending can still be achieved to those who are willing to risk out of loving someone & giving a chance to be loved.

Answer 5

You obviously understand your resentment towards him, so besides counseling you should ask him to help you get through this. Communication is key in any situation. I went through the exact same thing except I was pregnant when I found out. I was a mess. It took me about a year to get through it and a lot of questions. He may not feel comfortable talking about the situation and it may cause arguments but I believe you need to communicate until you have no more questions.Explain to him why you act this way and that you ma y have unanswered questions and you don't fully understand why he did this. Also, explain to him that you need time to heal or else you might push him away.

Answer 6

The hurt you feel is normal. Forgiving someone is the best thing to do. You make the decision with your mind first and it takes a while to get to your heart. Every time you think of the hurt again, remind your self that you have forgiven it. Pray for God to help you heal. Pray for your husband.

Marriage counseling may be a help if you can find a good one. If your husband won't go, go yourself. You have not worked out all the hurt and questions that naturally go along with adultery.

Answer 7

The hurt will go away eventually.

Your choice was to stay in the marriage and work through the obvious indiscretion. A mistake he's admitted to, is ashamed of and chooses to never do again.

Don't keep beating the dead horse or your marriage will end.
You need to allow him to repent to you for that mistake, just like he's already doing and you need to stop being accusing and throwing it up in his face at all turns.

The hurt will eventually go away. For me, it took 5 years.
Resign yourself to truly work on your marriage and your personal relationship with your husband.

Your marriage is now defined as "Before the affair and After the affair".
Nothing is going to erase that it happened and your reacting the way you are after resolving yourself to working this out is .. frankly.. childish.

You won't heal if you keep the wound open.

Best Regards to you.

Answer 8

I can identify with your problem...my husband cheated on me for five years with my ex friend!

They tried to make out I was crazy and actually nearly sent me around the twist. I tried to leave, but he kept bringing me back. Neither would admit it until I got the proof. Then he confessed and broke it off and promised it would never happen again, that he loved me etc. So we started again in a different town and have had no worries in that regard. I know I can trust him....but she has ruined our sex life....another story.

The point is, I have forgiven him...never bring it up, but secretly it still hurts and I am bitter for our marriage being ruined.

I feel he was the victim here...men are built differently to us...so if you think that way of your husband, it may help. We get on quite well, but I now have the opinion that if it happened again, I really don't care any more. I would not put myself through that again. I would just get out. And my husband knows it.

You have handled this affair with dignity and understanding, and you are to be praised! But to keep him, you need to keep those feelings inside.

So what do you want now from your marriage? Can you live with this and get on with your life together? Ask yourself how much you love him.

Don't throw past mistakes up at each other....just tell yourself he is with you because he loves you not her! Make him glad he stayed with you.

Answer 9

The problem is that you "forgave"too easily,you two should have had a fierce argument and an explicit understanding that this would not happen again.Now you wish to renegotiate the terms of his surrender and it looks like he is HAVING NONE OF IT.This is nothing a few counseling sessions wouldn't fix.he paid too cheap a price for your forgiveness that is why the hurt still lingers

Answer 10

Don't give much importance to what he did. He proved himself to very cheap and the woman he slept with should have met his low standards. Now he is growing up to you though he can never reach you in terms of moral standards. But you have to give him a helping hand as he is sincere in his efforts. You may have the right to express your agony to him since you are cheated on. But think of the burden he is silently carrying - guilt which is more painful. You have forgiven him which is a rare thing these days.Compassion is greater than love ,you have proven to be compassionate, be so with pride and confidence.