Upon the peeling, faded walls, a dancing silhouette
manipulated by the puppeteer, the little marionette.
Suspended on her silken strings, obeying all commands.
Day after dreary day, manipulated by his hands.
The animated movements of the lovely marionette
seem almost lifelike in her graceful minuet.
Suddenly, the unhappy puppet realizes her life deplored,
and rejects the rigid control and severs the strangling cord!
The confused puppeteer, unconscious of the treasure stole,
Creates another marionette, another to control.
Suspended on her silken strings, obeying all commands.
Day after dreary day, manipulated by his hands….
2007-06-02 21:23:00 · 8 answers · asked by Eudora 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I like the concept that you are trying to create but the pieces are incomplete..like you haven't decided the ending...or perhaps you have not clarified your purpose for writing this piece.
Is it about the marionette? or is it about the puppeteer? Ultimately, you must create purpose....
I am tempted to think it is about a controlling person that must find someone to control. But you need more to accomplish this premise.
2007-06-02 22:16:57 · answer #1 · answered by kishoti 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think a lot of good comments have been made. The ellipsis ending does not work. Too many adjectives. The theme is too abstract. Try writing some poems that do NOT rhyme. The best way to become a better poet is to read a LOT of good poetry. I recommend the two anthologies by Garrison Keillor and Poetry 180.
2007-06-03 08:48:52 · answer #2 · answered by Blondie423 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very interesting, I would suggest elaborating a little bit on the puppeteer and the endless repetition of his control. I also thing that the combination of a rhyme scheme and a lack of meter is somewhat distracting.
2007-06-02 21:30:42 · answer #3 · answered by hitako47 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I enjoyed it. Personally, I do not think you need to redo it, but next time, you should consider meter and rhyme scheme.
The symbolism of the poem i believe is great. It is like there is a dominate figure and he controls everything. Once the person being dominated finally gets the strength to get away, the dominating figure just finds a new person to order around
i love it
2007-06-02 21:35:21 · answer #4 · answered by RetroactiveRegression 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
At least you have a theme, imagery, and a subject other than loneliness and lack of love. You really need to cut down on the adjectives! Keep trying; eventually you'll write a real poem.
2007-06-03 03:50:02 · answer #5 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Good! At last a poem different from the usual ones found in Yahoo! You know he use of metaphor. Anyway I agree with the other answers about metric. It's very important and it should be better.
2007-06-03 02:46:59 · answer #6 · answered by borogove57 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
it is very interesting. though it does not make too much sense because of the lack of information about the marionette.
2007-06-02 21:35:38 · answer #7 · answered by twoouttathreeaintbad 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
quite interesting,think abt the rhyme scheme
2007-06-02 21:46:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋