Emotional mess...crisis...need help!?

Question

Please no judement...no children involved... I made a mistake. I fell in love with my boss and he has fallen in love with me. I left my husband shortly after I confessed my feelings to my boss. I have been having an affair with him for 8 months, with a 2month break in between. He told his wife he wanted a divorce lats night...but he let her guilt him into no getting it done. He feels terrible for leaving her because she is from another country who believes women are used goods once divorce. I am so messed up in the head over this, but quitting my job would be a huge career mistake. Need help. He promised me last night that he will leave her, but he will not give me a time and date, he says I am his dreamgirl and this is a crisis he has never experienced, so he is having a hard time coming to terms that this is our situation. Need helpful advice...please nothing hurtful, I dont think I can handle anymore.

Answer 1

Don't worry, nobody has the right to judge you unless they have been in the EXACT same situation before (and i highly doubt that those who have will be unsympathetic). This is hard. On one end you are just being true to your feelings and being honest with what you want in life. But on the other hand, unfortunately there more than just the two of you in this world and other lives are being permanently affected by your actions. Its a tough balance. I know you realize that no matter what path you take, there will be sacrifices to be made. But trust me, you will get through this a stronger and wiser person.

What bothers me more is your mindset right now. Dont put yourself down. We are only human. We have lapses in judgement. Only problem is, not everyone is going to be as open-minded or understanding. So you became a third party. You cut clean with your husband but your boss has not had the guts to do the same. First off, kudos to you for doing what you know was right. In the long run, you did your husband a favor by not staying.

Your boss, unfortunately, is a classic stereotype. First, he has the audacity to date you, then he actually managed to to get you to feel sympathy for him not being able to leave his wife! Whatever happens to him and his wife is their problem, did you think it would be better they stay together just for the sake of public perception in her country? Of course not. Is there a chance he is making you see it that way as an excuse to not leave her?

Sadly, most guys who have to promise to leave their spouses, almost always end up postponing it and postponing it and never end up actually doing it. A guy who is deadset to be with you will just do it. Period. He will already have told you when its done and not make you wait in suspended anticipation. That's just not fair. And it also shows how lowly he values your time and your dignity. How the hell can he treat his supposed "dreamgirl" like that and make her feel like a emotional mess? That is not behaviour consistent with being "We're-gonna'be-a-great-loving-couple" someday. Sorry.

I think the decision that needs utmost consideration right now is your job. Can you hack lt working in the same office as him? Be honest with yourself. If you know you cant, dont be afraid to remove yourself from an emotionally traumatizing environment. You are old enough to know what needs to be done, even if it hurts like hell at first.

Whether you continue your relationship with him or not is up to you. We cant choose who we end up loving like an on/off switch. But you really have to gauge if he's worth it. What are your future plans? I hope this helps.

p.s
i know its bad to judge and people can change, but also take into consideration that someone who cheats can and more likely do it again in the future. So if he can do it to his wife (knowing full well that he is putting their marriage at risk for divorce and her public indignity), then he can most certainly end up doing it to you too. You have to be open to that possibility too. Just be aware. You are not a bad person, sometimes we just find ourselves in the unlikeliest of circumstances and try our best to do what we can with it. Good luck!

Answer 2

Take a breather. Go for a walk in a park or forest if you can. try to get a tiny break in all the emotion. every choice has it's gain and losses. He needs to sort this out and so do you. to arrange a divorce is not easy. it is not something you do in five minutes. the emorional consequences take some time too. Even if you are leaving your partner for the dream person of your life, the one you leave behind you have loved once too. Every loss is painfull. Change is always hard. Take some time. Calm down a bit. Take it one step at a time and remember there is more in life. Go shop, arrange a dinner for friends you've known for a while, do some spring cleaning, things that make you feel a bit down to earth and normal again... then you will be able to handle the emotional things better too. The key lies in measure. if it's too much, step back. go do something different. preferably something you like. :-) The answers then will come to you when you feel more relaxed. :-)

Answer 3

Oh my dear. Yes it is a repeated situation and I think you know you have made a very bad decision. I think there is a lot of cold water bucket reality going to hit your boss. men have security of nests and when the lights go on it can be like he says to himself "OH NO What have I done?!" I would like to know your age difference as I feel young girl older man syndrome. You are obviously more attractive to him than his present wife. You are not swingers and are now into a very new and scary situation. I think you should cool it for a month and ask yourself how you would feel if you were his wife. I don;t think he will leave her - I think he was having a good time and the envelope got extended beyond what he expected. Unusually I don;t feel the anger at your actions I normally do. I think you are both very foolish and hope you can recover the situation. The fact that you still are thinking about your career scares me rigid. When I fall in love the oceans can rise and global warming can vaporise me. You have hurt your husband, are in danger of hurting your bosses wife and him. I do not want to hurt you at all but I wonder if you have any idea of the hurt you have caused? Take a month off and ask yourself what you can do if your boss decides to stay with his wife; which I will bet he will. In sorrow for you all and the mess you are now in.

Answer 4

I think you lose in both situations.... is possible you boss never divorce.. and if he do that... what stop him to do the same with the new secretary.... I no said that you make a mistake love you boss.. but you think if he divorce his wife.. he go to respect you... or trust you.. because you was marry too and you be with him... you are his dreamgirl in the bed.. nothing else.. if he want to divorce his wife.. he done that as soon you tell him you go to divorce your husband....

my advice is to ask him .. when this go to happen.. or move on.. I think you can't return with your husband... if he know about this... and also you no love you husband so.. I hope you learn a good lesson with this... think of this; how you feel if you husband do the same to you....

good luck

Answer 5

You are definitely between a rock and a hard place. It bothers me greatly that he professes such love for you but hasn't left his current situation. IF you can deal with the work environment, continue on and make a life for yourself...prepare yourself for the possibility he may never leave his wife. I know it's difficult for him, but it's equally as difficult for you. If you can't deal with work, transfer to another department or get a job elsewhere. It's a sticky situation, but right now you have to take care of you. You're in a very fragile state...don't let this current situation break you. You are more than just this relationship. I wish you best and hang in there.

Answer 6

Hon... your just one of many women who falls for The old I'm leaving my wife for you SCAM... Sorry but is the truth..If this man loves you nothing and I mean nothing would keep him from leaving his wife.. Now you have to be the strong one don't be a third wheel, if he cant make his mind up, terminate the relationship.. by doing that only then you will know how true his feelings for you are.If you continue to see him the only message his getting is I have two women in my life and they like it.. If he really loves you he will leave her and if he doesn't react to this then He chose his wife.. you get a divorce and find you a single man... about your job you can find another job in else where you don't have to quit your profession just the location.Stand up for your self..Don't be a welcome mat for no man you set your goals high when it comes to relationships. good luck.

Answer 7

I have seen this many times before, usually the man doesn't tell his wife, he just tells his mistress so he can string her along.
That mna could divorce if he really loved you.
To him, you are just a muse, not good enough to be a wife to him.
I say ditch the bum and if he wants to make life rough on the job for you, find another job, but don't make this mistake again, there are plenty of single men out there.
Think of it this way, if he left his wife for you, what would stop him from leaving you for the next woman who caught his eye?

Answer 8

After becoming a mom I realized there are all sorts of emotional intimacy in life. I always valued what I had in intimacy but realized it went much deeper than I realized. Even though I understood we are all connected and our journey is one journey even if separate, our stories are one story if even our own. We are not connected with out the first emotional intimacy of a mother. From there we are human, we have the human experience of love and without some intimacy we are not experiencing the full potential of love. Not that it has to stay at the same level all the time but our connection to each other shapes our journey as there is none, with out those connections. Not a journey that includes love, then, and knowledge of love is key to a spiritual life.

Answer 9

Life in general is hard, but when you start mixing your personal life with your career you asking for trouble. I realize you believe yourself to be in love with him and you maybe, but sometimes letting go of things is the best way to see yourself through a crisis. People can give you advice, but only you yourself know what is right deep down inside. I leave you in God's caring hands, he will help steer you in the right path.

Answer 10

The time and date: Probably never. Until you're both legally divorced get on with your own life. He's probably lying to you regarding his own discourse with his wife. Sounds like he is, in fact, a talented liar. Be careful. God bless. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.