our daughter just turned 12 and throughout her life my husband and I have fought over discipline. I understand hes a man and he doesn't want to end up on Jerry Springer but sometimes I think his punishment are too much. I'll punish her for a couple days and he'll turn around and tell me i'm crazy and drag it out for weeks Sometimes when she's not even punished hell remember something that happened that week and tell her to go to her room. Then he'll explain that earlier she was being disrespectful and mouthy which I admit she is very testy w/me not w/ him. We are constantly argueing about discipline and my 12 year old has said to me "Why don't you guys get a divorce?" We fight constantly and she heres us. I just don't know if I'm fighting a battle that's not worth it .Or if I have a valid point.I'm just sick of fighting and our daughter uses us against each other. When he says no she'll come to me and Ill feel bad and she knows that.any suggestions?
2007-06-02 08:41:16 · 19 answers · asked by ssamm 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
It sounds like the problem might between you and him, not her and him so much. If all you're going to do is fight, get a divorce!
2007-06-02 08:46:13 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
There is a big battle going on in your home and your daughter
is winning.
Don't think for a moment that your daughter does not know that she is able to drive a wedge between you with this.
The minute the " why don't you get a divorce" line exited her mouth you should have realized that she is manipulating you to get her way. She knows full well that she can get her way without dad in the picture. You are only reinforcing this behavior by fighting with him about it.
First rule of parenting, ITS TWO AGAINST CHILD for the child. From the sound of it, your inconsistent discipline has enabled your daughter to get the upper hand . If she did not need his discipline she would not be playing both of you.
WAKE UP.
This girl has too much power. Maybe your husband sees it and you don't ,but if you do not want BIG problems later you will nip this today. You and your husband need to get on the same page NOW. You may need to give in to his wishes for a while and see where the attitude takes all of you.
Its like this, your daughter is going to be at home 6 to 8 years
and then she is GONE. Your husband on the other hand may be gone sooner than that. Either way you will get on the same page as him or you will be all alone soon.
There comes a time when you need to be a united couple in dealing with the kid. That should have been long ago.
Do you want to teach your daughter that it is OKAY for the MOM to be manipulated by her?
How about trying this one, she asks her dad something and if he says no, and she comes to plead with you, ask her "What did your father say?" After she has her hissy fit tell her that she can negotiate with him. When you give in you are turning her into a manipulative brat whose behavior is only going to get worse.
2007-06-02 08:47:24 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You and your husband are hurting your daughter more because you fight!!! What are you teaching her about marriage? You're supposed to be a team, but there can only be 1 chief!!!
My suggestion is that you let the Dad discipline her. Just stay out of it, bite your tongue, even if you disagree. Try this for 2 weeks, and see what happens (don't tell your husband you're going to do this).
Maybe without you involved he will be able to concentrate on your daughter, and not winning a battle with you. You may find that he disciplines her differently because you're NOT involved.
Let me know what happens.
2007-06-02 12:10:41 · answer #3 · answered by jonesk_92656 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. Do not argue in front of your child or where it can be heard.
Gives them mixed emotions and possibly a chance to manipulate whatevers being said. Possibly to their advantage.
2. Set the rules as parents together. Decide what types of behavior deserve what types of consequences.
Be firm about it, definitely stick to it.
3. Be supportive about the decisions that each other make. Back each other up or it wont work and the child will continue to take advantage of the parent whom she knows she can get away with things. Makes for a chaotic home.
Once she knows that you folks are working together on this and no matter what she trys to do she wont be able to slip through the cracks on it with the two of you ,she should stop being manipulative and disrespectful and maybe the two of you will stop fighting. However the two of you definitely have to agree to work on this together and stick by each others side. Makes for more peaceful days and nights and a better relationship in terms of discipline. I think its definitely worth a shot.
Now if this is not a child of the both of yours it could be difficult but the same rules would definitely still apply.
2007-06-02 09:10:37 · answer #4 · answered by rlynn 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil:
Stop fighting in front of your daughter. First of all, it is probably contributing to her defiant behavior. Second, you need to present a "united front". If she can divide you, then she wins!
Your husband may be too harsh (don't know, not there) but it DEFINITELY sounds like you are an "easy mark"!
Does it ever make you wonder why she won't flair up at him but will defy you? Because SHE CAN!
You and your husband need to sit down when there is no issue. Come up with a strategy to determine how to dole out punishment.
When she does something wrong, tell her to go to her room. At that point, you and your husband should sit down and CALMLY discuss what the punishment should be, then stick to it!
Arguing is not helping your marriage and is not helping her. It is showing her how to manipulate people. Not a good skill to nuture.
2007-06-02 08:57:05 · answer #5 · answered by Matt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The way you explain it..it looks like you and your husband has the problem and just using your daughter as an excuse. To discipline a child is to discipline yourself and your husband first cos that child is not a baby and knows what's going on in the family and I'm sure she doesn't like what she sees on you as her parents. Remember, an apple tree doesn't bear a lemon fruit. Discipline arises from home. A home doesn't consider as a home if it doesn't consist a mother and a father who the kids relies on. What your 12 yr old sees on you and your husband is what she practice so...there's no way you can discipline a child if you and your husband are not discipline it selves. I hope this helps and don't take it as an offense. I just wanted you to open up your eyes and thoughts. Good luck!
2007-06-02 08:54:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two words marriage counseling.
It will do wonders. Sometime it takes a 3rd party to see where you are disconnecting.
Divorce is the last resort. I believe anything in a marriage can be worked out except lack of trust, physical or emotional abuse, drug or alcohol abuse those are extremely difficult to overcome.
Sounds like a disconnect in communication which can be easily worked through some counseling.Your husband might need some practice at getting what he wants from the discipline without having to be so harsh.
Good luck
2007-06-02 08:53:17 · answer #7 · answered by theladygeorge 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to stop being a push over. You already said that your daughter acts out with you and not your husband. Why do you think that is so? It is because she has more respect for his authority then she has for you. I think your husband is right for being strict with her. You should be glad to have a man that is willing to do what he is supposed to do. And when your daughter comes to you after your husband has already told her his decision on a matter, you should support your husband and not change his decision. YOU are allowing your daughter to play you against your husband. If you show her that you support your husbands decisions no matter if you agree or not, she will have no choice but to stop. You should never fight with your husband in front of your daughter, you and your husband should find away to discuss things without raising your voices. You should lead your daughter and not the other way around. If you let your child tear apart your marriage, what will you have? You daughter will still disrespect you, (probably worse), and you will have no husband. Put your daughter in her place.
2007-06-02 08:55:16 · answer #8 · answered by Tina #1 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Given the permissive standards accepted in Western society today, your husband is trying to enforce standards of discipline on your daughter that he wishes to be effective in deterring disrespect to parents and mouthiness. Your daughter's behavior speaks volumes in that she is "very testy with you but not with him". You need to speak with your husband and try to meet him at least halfway, when it comes to discipline for your girl, especially when his brand seems to be more effective. Above all else, you must present a united front with your child or both of you will lose the battle of disciplinary training.
2007-06-02 08:51:36 · answer #9 · answered by Jess4rsake 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get family counseling. You and your husband need to be on the same page on disciplinary actions and you certainly shouldn't be arguing over it where your daughter can hear. Of course she is pitting the two of you against each other. She's always been able to leaving you both ineffectual as parental authorities. Either rally together on this or you may lose your family.
2007-06-02 09:27:52 · answer #10 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your daughter is a pro at pushing both of your buttons. She's driving this wedge between you. You two need to obtain a united front. Otherwise, she'll always find wiggle room. To do this, you need to have your discipline discussions without your daughter around.
Learn to say "Wait in your room while we discuss your punishment - if any".
2007-06-02 08:46:19 · answer #11 · answered by Zeltar 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋