self-harming?

Question

i have always considered self-harming a sign of weakness and a need for attention, and my family knew how i felt and hated the subject... but the other day i saw my little brother's stomach and wrists and realised that he has been doing it lately. i am unsure how to act now as he knows all my opinions on the subject.
My brother and i are very close, and he normally seems a happy, well-balanced guy, so i don't understand why he is doing it, either. It also hurt that he hid it from me and lied.

any suggestions on how i should react as a caring sibling? i have a feeling shrieking "you f*cking moron, what are you doing?" wouldn't help, and it would sound insincere if i was suddenly miss i-understand- what-you're-going- through.

And why is he doing it? Attention? I know its bad that i feel dissapointed in him, but i do; he has a wonderful life. Any advice on how to deal with him would be wonderful - i know im not the most tolerant or understanding of people.

he's only 14.

Answer 1

he is trying to find a way to express his feelings...no matter how f****d up you think that is. self-harmers use that pain to let out their emotions. it's serious and not uncommon amongst boys.

it is not attention seeking as he is doing it in places that are hidden.

i don't think you are unfeeling...your previous views were those of someone who had never really encountered this. but you have a chance to help. i think you need to tell him that you've seen the marks and tell him that no matter what, you are his sister, you love him and if he needs to talk to you he can. you need to think about what you will do if he opens up about how he feels/why he does it.
i wish you love & luck
m x

Answer 2

I do not think you self injure for attention. I used to self injure and it took a lot and I do mean a lot of therapy but I was able to stop cutting, etc. Also went into special programs and remain in therapy. Some people do not understand why but it is not for them to. As long as you start acknowledging that you do it and you are willing to get help that is what is most important. It sounds as though you need to try and find a good Psychologist or therapist that you can confide in once you trust them. Also, you say that you do it to feel relief, but do you really feel relief. That is what a lot of people say and I also used to say that but truthfully it is only perceived, temporary relief and then things get worse from there. You have the pain from the injury and then the shame and guilt and so on.......tends to be a vicious cycle. There is typically a deeper cause to why you do this and talking to a Professional will help you get to why you "feel" you need to do this and help you find some other, healthy way to express your feelings. It sounds as though you definitely need to work through your attempted suicide. I realize your heart obviously stopped beating and they had to bring you back to life. Try, if possible to be glad that you are here instead of dwelling on the fact that you almost died. If you truly died (even though i understand what you are saying) you could not be here now asking for help. Asking for help is HUGE. It takes a lot and I do hope you can get the help you need and start to feel better very soon. Feel free to email me if you like. I wish you the best~

Answer 3

Hiya. I'm not saying I've been there or anything, but my sister does it. I saw a programme on kids who self harm last year, and it really interrested me. They were explaining how they felt, and why they did it, and, in my eyes, it's not a cry for attention, but a very personal thing that needs to be done. One girl explained it as something to blame when you are hurting or suffering from something that you can't understand in your head. like an itch that you cant find. If your hurting, you usually know the reasons why, but sometimes, people block things out and find another reason to be hurting as in a cut. It'll always be a mystery but I think thats the best explanation tat I've ever heard. Maybe your brother needs to find out who or what is really hurting him. xx

Answer 4

Whatever is causing his self harm may not be apparent to all those around him but there is a reason why he is doing it......generally , feeling the hurt of the self harm is better than feeling the 'other' hurt. He desperately needs counselling and should be taken to a GP as soon as possible to enable that.
Hope you can persuade him to go to the Doc and get counselling...it is certainly the best approach...once professionals are involved it takes some of the responsibility you feel away from you too.
Best wishes, Mike.

Answer 5

First - show him lots of love and attention. Do something real special for him - like clean his room. He is suffering from school problems. Could be low self esteem, anger, depression and a feeling of rejection. If your parents care, you need to tell them. However, they could be part of the problem. His spirit is broken and he is cutting himself trying to feel something. He must feel very lonely and that he cannot turn to anyone that will listen.

All my life, I have been a loner, but I always knew that I had the Lord. I always knew Jesus would never leave me or forsake me. I knew I could depend upon Christ. My mother had a mental breakdown and my father was dead. I often felt alone, but I knew Christ was with me and He promised He would never leave me or forsake me. Jesus kept me going and hopeful and optimistic. In today's world where the parents work and when they get home they want time to themselves; they often forget their children. The TV, video games or play stations seem to be raising the kids.

We have some very lonely young people in this world.

Answer 6

Hi Red,

firstly you really don't have a notion what it's like to be someone who self harms and would have no right to call anyone who did it (even if they weren't your sibling) a moron. Lucky for you who has a great life and feels that they would never need to do this. people who self harm usually don't do it for attention as many of them hide their scares.. they can often be people who have been abused and through traumatic events and self harming helps remove the mental pain and turn it into physical (which is much more bareable at times)..others do it because they feel numb and need to feel something...there is nothing weak about it...it's called being in pain!

He must not have the wonderful life that you think he does, something is causing him to dislike himself enough to do this. I am not saying it's not possible for him to be one of the few that do it to make a point or get attention, esp as he knows how you feel on this and has let you see the scars...perhaps he wants to provoke you into giving him that attention...but think about it...people who self harm need help because would you like to feel so insignificant that you have to hurt urself in order for someone to notice you and give you attention (if that was the reason you were doing it?)

You have no right to feel dissapointed in him and if you feel this way, i don't think being false as you said is right but possibly tell your parents or someone who can deal with it better and in an more objective way.

I am sorry my comment seems angry and it is probably as biased as yours however i am a self harmer, due to abuse and hating myself and i know that its not about attention..perhaps i am weak but not because of self harm!

I hope your brotehr gets its sorted and that you can understand better the implications of self harm.

Best of luck
x

Answer 7

At this stage the worst thing would be to criticize him on his behavior. he is feeling ashamed about it but can not control it. He needs serious professional help. No amount of Internet advice will do anything.
Ignore his wounds, but prevent him from doing it by spending time with him and flooding him with sincere attention. You can not, however keep that up forever. The long term solution is professional help.

Answer 8

Self harming is not always because one seeks attention ?, it could be down to bullying, low self esteem, depression, loneliness and many other things too !.

Just because things look ok on the surface it don't mean to say there is no underlying problem !.

Being tolerant and trying to understand your brother is what you need to do, for both your sakes, be there for him and don't judge what you don't understand !.

Talk to him and let him know you care before it becomes worse, as he could seriously harm himself !!.

Good Luck !.

Answer 9

Just ask him why he's doing it. If he acts reasonable- then reason with him. If he acts defensive and tells you to piss off- act gentle but persistent. If he acts scared- be kind and listen to him. In all cases, first prod him for a justification. Use your own experience and knowledge to try to figure out why he's doing it. Once you know, you will be able to get to the root of the problem. If its because of his friends - you'll have to convince him that he doesn't need to do it or try to get him to hang out with other people besides those friends. If its his own decision- then most likely you will be able to reason him out of it. In any case, don't yell at him or freak out or he'll close up to you. Good luck. I have a little brother too :]

Answer 10

Whatever you do, don't get angry and don't judge. my dad did this and it has stopped me asking for help. just sit down and say something like ' i noticed the cuts on your wrists and stomach, and i'm worried about you...'
he may be doing it for attention, but he most likely isn't. he may be having problems at school that he feels he can't tell anyone about - he could be being bullied. is he having arguments with members of the family? Is he having arguments with friends? it could be a whole number of things. just gently try to get him to tell you. if not, don't force the subject, give him time and let him open up to you in his own time. if he doesn't just suggest that he finds someone to talk to - a school councellor or a doctor. HE NEEDS HELP BEFORE HE GETS ADDICTED. please stress that he gets help soon, as it only gets worse. trust me i know.

look at my question on self harm alternatives for ideas for him. and look at my answer to 'why do people slit their wrists' for more info on self harm, so that you can understand it more and help more. hell, if nothing else works, get him on yahoo answers and get him to email me - he may find it easier to talk to someone who has self harmed themselves, to someone who understands.

Good luck, to you and him.