Why do I feel such a failure?

Question

I have been married for 5 years, I have two children by a previous marriage. My husband is leaving, he is adamant that he loves me deeply, the sole reason he is going is what he considers to be the intolerable behaviour of my children. He gets upset about them having untidy bedrooms or having to ask them more than once to do chores. In the past I have tried to talk with him about management/difficulties with the children but he has always completley frozen me out saying he can't talk it makes him too angry and sometimes hasn't spoken for days when he has been upset. I have become emotionally drained and given up trying to talk to him. I feel that our different attitudes towards the children has led to irreconcilable difficulties and now his leaving is something of a relief. So why do I feel such a failure. I feel I have tried really hard only to be abandoned. I feel I am a bad mother and a useless wife. I don't understand what is going on in my head. Help

Answer 1

Hello...first off, what you are going through right now is ONLY temporary...and your feelings are not only normal--but they are valid..You have every reason to feel the way you do...You seem to have high expectations on yourself that are really unnecessary! When you put these types of expectations on yourself--you put added stress and pressure upon yourself...And when things don't fall into place like you have planned--you feel very let down, and disappointed with yourself. BUT--alas--there is good news...YOU, are a wonderful person..you have ALREADY succeeded in life..you're a mother of two children, and your doing the BEST that you can for yourself and them! This is probably God's way of letting you know, that this man is not right for you..He sounds like a perfectionist..Kids will be kids, they need to be disciplined with patience and love, which is seemingly what you do...but HE can't!! He lacks the desire to be a team player for the family, to help out and raise these children with the necessary parental guidelines...so if anyone should feel bad--IT SHOULD BE HIM!! I mean his reasoning seems highly illogical, he loves you desperately, but his impatience is driving him away?? Sounds like a cop-out..He just doesn't want to take the responsibility that is needed to raise children!! Remember, sometimes it takes stepping out of your usual perspective to see things in a more realistic way-that doesn't involve emotions, and self-insecurities.

Be kind to yourself, your a terrific person in this world, don't beat yourself up anymore!!!

Answer 2

It is a pity that your husband cannot get over the "Children difficulties". Children are funny little creatures, and need an approach that perhaps he just doesn't understand. I think we have all had times when we have had to ask our children 100 times before a chore was actually done. My kid's rooms were also always untidy, and my husband also had a problem with it, but as I used to tell him: They were the ones who had to sleep there, not us! It does sound rather as if he expects the children to drop everything when he speaks though, which I have found never workedwith my children! It is not that you are a bad wife or mother, I think it is just that you understand children better. As I said, they are funny little creatures, not puppets. I am sorry that it has got to the point of him leaving, and cannot help but think that if he loved you enough, he would have tried to find some way around what is, after all, HIS problem. Perhaps when he married you, he did not give enough thought to what life would be like having children in the house. In this case, it sounds as if it will be best for you and the children if he does leave. I am really sorry that you have been put in this position.

Answer 3

Your feelings are normal for your situation. However, you are not a failure. No mother should EVER be asked to choose the husband over her children, particularly if the husband is not the natural father. You didn't say how old your children are, but a militaristic attitude does not work with children of any age. Messy bedrooms (so shut the door) and asking more than once to do chores are behaviors of normal children. Hey, they're kids after all. What your husband doesn't realize is that with kids you have to learn to pick your battles. If you nit-pick over stuff like this, when something really serious comes along, it'll seem to the kids like just another day. Your husband's behavior of not talking for days is very childish. His inability to accept any input from you while he is angry with the children is also a childish behavior. You should be relieved that he did not abuse the children, because that would be the next logical step for his anger. Do yourself a favor and get some temporary counseling to help you get over the hump. However, if you DO have problems with discipline, a family meeting with the kids might be appropriate. This would be an ideal opportunity to explain your marriage situation to the children, too. You could ask the kids for their help in getting things done around the house. Kids of any age can be very helpful, particularly if they know what is to be expected and what happens if that does not occur. Not yelling, not anger, just consequences like taking away privileges. Good luck. I hope you're able cut yourself some slack so you can see yourself in a better light and place the blame where it belongs (not on you).

Answer 4

I say your children are more important than your husband. Mixing families is very difficult. Your children probably resent him, because he is not their real father and they don't feel like he has any right to tell them what to do. I don't think you are a failure and I don't think you really believe it either. Your husband has been trying to make you feel like you are a bad mother and useless wife. Sounds to me like he is a failure, a terrible step dad and a useless husband. Especially if he is going to abandon the family without trying every thing he possibly can to make it work. He should be trying to come to compromises with you so the family will run smoothly, not just demanding that everything go his way.

You mentioned the silent treatment, you might want to read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That is one of the symptoms. Couldn't hurt to be more informed. You have the window to the world at your fingertips, your computer. Go on line and find out everything you can about your situation. Then you will be far better equipted for the battle.

Something else is there are 4 signs of a controller; #1 if they don't get their way they start name calling. if that doesn't work , they redouble their efforts and #2 they start to belittle and guilt trip, if that doesn't work, #3 they get angry and if that doesn't work #4. they abandon or threaten to abandon.

Answer 5

Sweetheart, please don't be so hard on yourself. You sound like a wonderful mother and wife. The problem is not with you but with your husband. You are normal and so are your children. I have 4 kids and they are all untidy (to say the least). My hubby and I ask them repeatedly to do chores or finish homework and then I usually end up threatening them with a grounding before they finally do it. This is normal behaviour for most children but unfortunately, I don't think your husband realises that. Please try to understand that the problem is with him not you. I can only imagine how hard this must have been for your children, so this is probably a blessing although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now. Sometimes the hardest times in our lives turn out to be our biggest blessings. One day you will be incredibly happy and look back and say "That Shandy girl was right, none of this would have been possible it that didn't happen." You seem like a wonderful person so don't let him brake your spirit. You have two beautiful children you love who love you right back, so try to focus on that blessing right now until your next blessing arrives. Under the circumstances, your feeling pretty crappy right now and that is perfectly normal, but in time, it WILL pass. God bless you and your children.

Answer 6

The good thing is that your husband does love you. That's truly a good thing. Most wives who are in marital trouble would love to know that their husbands love them and could be sure about them. In any event, what's wrong with your reinforcement with the children? The things that he complains about seem to be rational...it's nothing wrong with enforcing your children to keep their rooms tidy and to make sure that they do their chores around the house...are they like ages 1, 2, and 3 that they can't perform chores??? Your husband probably shouldn't competely freeze up on you, nevertheless, most men freeze up or shut down when they are too angry about certain issues in their marriage. As you have probably heard before, you may want to try counseling. If counseling isn't an option because it isn't affordable at the time, try writing a letter. If a letter doesn't work, try an email although it's still the same thing. If the email doesn't help, perhaps after a week or so, offer your husband to go out on a date and express to him that although you do not intend shortening your love for your children, you do need him because you love him and want to work things out. I am a witness although I am currently going through a divorce that TRUE LOVE will always prevail. If there is true love on both of your ends, you will find some way to work it out. Just be creative and try praying about it as well. God Bless.

Answer 7

Hind sight is 20/20 but you should have talked about the raising the children before you got married. (so if you do ever get re-married, talk to the person)
I don't know how much involvement he had in raising your kids or how old they r but going into a marriage were there are children is a very difficult task and any man that can pull that off should be put on a pedestal.
he doesn't want to yell at them all the time they are your kids, and he knows he is hurting u, your suppose to handle them. (of course his should help and back you) he feels out of place yelling at someone Else's kids, but this is his home to and he wants to be able to come home and know he can feel comfortable there.
Put yourself in his shoes he is in love with this woman but every time he wants her there are these two kids doing whatever they want and he can't voice his true opinion.

and by the way your not allowed to be a failure you have 2 kids to raise and now your the one that has to mold them into responsible people

Answer 8

You sound as though your trying the right moves but you need support. Your husband doesn't sound like a good communicator , try the BBC parenting website for guides to approach your children and get them acting more responsible. They are kids though and will always be a bit of a pain. You bound to feel dejected, you've put so much effort into your marriage for it to break down. I'm sorry it worked out that way but you did the right thing by trying, so good on you!
Why do we fall over? To pick ourselves back up!
Good luck.

Answer 9

I am going through what you are (see my question posted below yours). I have 1 child by another relationship and 1 with my husband (who wants to leave me). It takes a special kind of person to uncondtionally love your children when they are not theirs..and there are not many men who can do this. If he cant love your children uncondtionally like they are his own..then he is not worthy of your or their love. My husband sometime treated my eldest harshly and this affected me alot as I thought he was being harder on him cause he wasnt his. I had to be careful that i wasn't being too sensitive to that fact and that he was just disciplining like a biological parent would. However given the fact your husband wants to move out because of your children implies selfishness on his behalf. He knew you had them before you got married and led you to believe he had accepted them.
Let him go (easy for me to say as I dont want to let my husband go) maybe he will realise HIS error. He is the failure not you. you must believe that!

Answer 10

I dont think you are a failure at all, I actually applaud you for sticking through with it so long. You have been blessed with kids, and a roof over your house...thats more than some ever get to experience...
If your hubby cant talk through this then I would seriously consider what you mean to him, if anything at all. He needs to act the man, sit down with you and sort through these issues. You have obviously tried to no avail. Take care of yourself and remember you are not a failure...quiete the opposite if you ask me...