I confronted my husband about his drinking and things went wrong what should i do now?

Question

My husband who use to be the best guy in the world started drinking just months after i found out i had cancer. It really hurted me to see him not come home from work smiling and telling jokes but instead drunk and angry. we have three kids and it's really hard to explain to my daughter why he's so different now. I confronted him tonight when he finally came home, we got in fight and he slammed me against the wall and left. What should i do now? i don't think i can take it anymore but i still love him! Help?

Answer 1

You have to understand or try to understand how he feels. He is facing losing his wife, the mother of his kids, and someone that he loves with his whole body, mind, heart and soul. He is terrified! I don't know what kind of Cancer you have, but just the word its self brings death to the forefront of most people's thoughts. Remind him that alot of Cancers are very treatable and have a high cure or remission rate. Remind him that you are still his wife and that you are still the same person he married. You still have the same capacity to love and understand him if he will just sit down and talk with you. You also need to figure out together how you are going to explain to your children why things are different now. Do they know about your health? Two heads are always better than one, especially in a family situation. It's not fair for him to go out drinking, but that may very well be the only way he knows how to deal with the situation. Just be understanding and try to help him find a new one. It will be very hard for everyone involved, and yes I mean your children as well. Just be a wonderful mom, as I am sure you are or else you wouldn't have posted this question. I commend you on reaching out for help... Alot of people wouldn't. Try to find a support group, they can help alot! Even talking to someone on the phone or chatting on-line you can get some good advice. Feel free to IM or email me.... My mother had Cancer. I do understand. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

Answer 2

He's desperately afraid of losing you to this cancer and is in dire need of counselling.
Have someone you trust come over and then talk to him and ask if he'll go to counselling. Tell him you're afraid, as are the children, but you need his support not abuse. If he won't go for help, use your friend's support to ask him to pack a bag and leave the home until he does. Have your friend stay (get his keys) and change the locks the next day - don't leave the home empty till that's done.
Once he realizes it's serious and gets some help, he'll be there for you as he should be. If not, he's not worth having.
My Dad had a hard time accepting my Mom's cancer but supported her through a 23 year battle during which she had 7 reoccurances before it spread and could no longer be treated.
Marriage is for better or worse - you need to concentrate on getting yourself better - not catering to him. I wish you all the best and am sure you'll do fine. God Bless.

Answer 3

The only way to work through this is to talk - or I should say to communicate. He is obviously coping poorly with your diagnosis and he probably needs to find a healthy way to express his sadness. If you don't feel you can do this safely in person (since he pushed you!) Maybe you can do it in a letter - explain that you are just worried about him and that you love him very much and you think he's been sad lately - he will hopefully open up to you.

Now, as for the physical pushing. Is this the first time this has happened? Do you feel safe at home? Do you feel safe when he drinks? Regardless of the answers to these questions, physical violence is a serious matter and it is not to be ignored. When you are on good terms again, it would be prudent to bring it up, not in an accusatory manner, but just to establish that you should never hurt each other like that. If you indeed DO NOT feel safe, then you need to find a safe place that you can slip away to in case of an emergency, and have a small packed bag ready in case that it ever becomes necessary. Also, let friends/family that you trust know that something is going on so that you are not dealing with this alone. There are many web resources much better than myself about this. One that I often recommend is the House of Ruth (it's in maryland) but their hotline is fabulous and they can hook you up with local resources (their number is 410-889-7884. I hope things get better for you.

Answer 4

He hurt you physically-you could get a restraining order on him.
However, it sounds like his drinking started when you found out you are fighting cancer.
It is very hard for some men (if not all) to deal with illness their spouse is fighting, plus, dealing with mortality.
Of course he is angry. I am sure you are to, to a point.
When he comes home, and is sober, please, when the children are in bed asleep, sit down and have a good long talk with your husband. You both need to deal with this illness, and the consequences, etc. He is probably afraid of losing you, and feeling lost in how to care for the children, etc.
Plus, possibly he expects to pass before you do. And this came as a big shock to him about your illness.
Please, seek counseling, at least for yourself. Start with talking also with your dr. about all of this.
And, for your daughter, let her know you and her daddy love her, but right now you two are having a tough time. Things will work out.
Then, you need to concentrate on your health, fighting this disease. Taking care of your family. Do you have friends, relatives that can help around the house, and with the children? .
I wish you all the best. Take care.

Answer 5

He is self-medicating due to the pain/fear of your condition. You cannot control that. Possibly you could write him a letter that points out of all the things he "used" to do and how you and your children need him the most now. But make sure you give it to him when he is sober. Like before work or in the morning on his days off. Let him know that violence is unacceptable as well. Perhaps you can also provide him with the number and/or list of AA meetings in your area that he could attend after work. Sometimes, even a third party talking can help. Maybe there is a close family member that he is close with who could take him out for coffee and a long talk. You sound like a wonderful and strong woman. I just know that you will be fine.

Answer 6

I know you are going through a hard time right now, not only dealing with your cancer, but also having to deal with your husband's drinking and the children. It might help to know that your husband obviously is feeling the pain as well, and this is his way of trying to deal with it. We all know that it is NOT working for him, but he may be having trouble facing up to it. I would suggest that you both go back to your doctor, and have a chat with him, getting him to explain things in greater detail to your husband. I don't want it to sound as if I only have sympathy for your husband, because that is NOT true. However, I do understand what he is going through, and know that men are not as strong as they like to imagine! At this point in time, he probably just doesn't want to face up to the fact that you have cancer, or the fact that he may lose you, and so tries to block it out. If the talk with your doctor doesn't help, then I would strongly advise that you both you for some counseling. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer 10 years ago, and my husband also went crazy, acting out of character. We went and had a chat to the doctor, who explained things to my husband, told him I would need a hysterectomy, and that they could possily cut out all the cancer. It calmed him down a lot, and turned out just fine. 10 years later I am still cancer free, and, obviously depending on what type of cancer you have, you could possibly also have the same result. I will pray for you, not only that your cancer is curable, but also that your husband changes his behavior.

Answer 7

If you have cancer, you don't need him slamming you against the wall. Even if you didn't have cancer you wouldn't need him slamming against the wall for that matter. I can sympathize with him because he is stressed and under pressure, but, you need to take care of yourself. If he is always out getting drunk then he's not going to be much of a help. I would suggest that you all separate temporarily or go to counseling. If he doesn't want to go, go alone.

Answer 8

Call Alcoholics Anonymous and find out where the nearest Alanon meeting is. Alanon is for the families of alcoholics.
You don't have to face this alone anymore. You will learn a lot of things about alcoholism and about co dependency.
You need all the help you can get. Arm yourself with knowledge and attend Alanon meetings.

One is an alcoholic any time their drinking becomes a problem for them or others. Your husband falls into that category.

Answer 9

This is a rather tough one. It's quite obvious that your husband who loves you very much uses alcohol as a device for dealing with your illness. The best advice I can give you is to see if any of his immediate family members such as his parents, siblings or maybe even close family members and friends will talk to him about his problem as well. Hopefully, this will work. If not you may be faced with no other choice but to move on. I will be praying for you and your family. Peace and God bless.

Answer 10

Play it safe. Make sure you legally have someone lined up to raise or help raise your kids should things not go well with the cancer. Then take the whole family to counseling to cope with your illness. The counseling should help your husband work thru his fears in a less destructive manner.
Your husband needs to be the rock for you and your kids. But he may need someone else to be his rock.