dad no longer loves mom?

Question

within the past few weeks, my parents have been more and more awkward around each other. dad now says he no longer loves mom and he wants to go out and be on his own (divorce). he still wants to be friends, but no longer sees her as a lover. dad thinks mom is avoiding all of this and mom believes that dad is just having issues. dad says he has made up his mind and just does not know when he will tell her all this, nothing is going to change with him. mom stopped going to marriage counseling cause 'dad is the one with the problem' and it seems as though she is waiting for a miracle to happen to fix their marriage. dad asked if i could talk to mom about everything, but i feel as though that is not my place. after 25 years of marriage, you would think that they would know that they have to talk with each other to work everything out, and not use their children as messengers. i don't know what to do or what to say. my younger teenage sisters are getting upset with all this. any advice?

Answer 1

My parent just went through this and I told my dad to stop telling me what to say to mom and to do it himself and that I was done being the grown-up and that he needed to talk to mom about this. I love you dad but if you are not happy then tell mom so you can be happy. My mother still thinks my dad is going through this little life thing and that they will work it out but dad says it's not going to happen. Funny I have never seen my dad so happy.

Good Luck

Answer 2

you need to talk to your sisters (brothers?) and kind of like form a pact - my parents were going through this kind of thing quite a long time ago but they worked it out finally but they were separated a while. It's common for the parents to use the kids against the other one. That happened with me when this happened. I didn't even know they were trying this with my brothers. So if you have this pact with your sisters then all of you equally refuse to be brought into the conflict. It's a wicked thing to do to little kids. Pray lots! Your Mom is right that a miracle is needed. Sometimes she needs to stay out of the way and let God take him to God's whipping shed for stubborn men. I'm concerned that he may be involved in things that he might not want revealed. I don't know. Your mom needs to stand firm and not take bad behavior but she needs to be patient, men aren't made the same way women are, and just because she can do certain things right away doesn't mean he can. An average man takes 8-12 minutes between the time you ask him how he feels and when he can respond. Women can answer that right away. It takes me time too. He's probably hiding in his little hole. I am not the person to answer this - he probably needs help - and I'm sure he's too proud to get it.
Upsets me - he's got a family and he's throwing it away - and other people dont' have what he has and for what.
I wonder if he's cheating on her.
I don't know.

but whatever you do don't let them pit you against the other one - all of you need to refuse to be drug into it. I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm sorry.

Answer 3

I think that you need to go to your mom and dad at different times and tell them both that you no longer want to be in the middle of their problems. Tell them that they both should be acting like grown adults. Tell them both that you are tired of the way they are acting and that all you want is for them to be happy together and to love each other so you and your sisters can enjoy them both! You have to mean every word you say. Make sure they know you mean it. Do this with politeness and respect.

It is not right that they are using you as a mediator or messenger to tell the other things. It is wrong.

Yes, you are right, this is not your place to be in the center of their marriage problems. They both need to come together and talk out their problems without the nagging and bickering at one another.

The reason they are having problems is because they don't know how to talk to one another to solve their problems. Otherwise, problems would have been solved a long time ago. It could be that your mom is not giving him enough attention or your dad is not showing love to her, it could be many things. But, only they know what they are, but they just bottle up and don't share their thoughts or feelings of one another. They need to learn how to love again, basically, that's what it is. They need to forgive eachother first for all the wrong doings they have done. Then move forward.

My last advice to you is to get this book for them both to read called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. If this doesn't help them, then they may consider getting a really, really good counselor. Another book for your mother is called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." In fact, get the first book for your father as a 'Father's Day' gift.

I am my husband's wife and my son's mother. I have been married for 20 years now and we both have come a long way to establish our marriage and life together.

You hang in there and do pray for them both.

Answer 4

Tell your dad to NOT put you or any of your siblings in the middle of this squabble he and your mom are having. Communication is vital in all relationships, even when wanting to break up a marriage of 25 yrs.
He may be going thru mid-life crisis, he needs to get counseling.
He also needs to (no offense intended) grow up, become a responsible man, and talk with hjis wife and let her know how he feels. He also needs to know that she has the right to respond to him any way she feels. Within legal ways. Anger, yelling, etc.
I wish you and your siblings the best. Take care.

Answer 5

Sounds to me like your mom not going to counseling because of an excuse means she's just as much of a coward as your father. She's giving up, and doesn't even realize it. Tell dad to be a man and talk to his wife himself. After all, they are the ones that are married, and they are the ones with the issues! Not you! And, tell him that you will be there to support him AND your mom, and that you are not taking sides! Let him know this, and tell him to stop playing messenger games with you and your sisters. Good luck!

Answer 6

Yes, suprising as it is, I do have some advice. You need to tell your father that, as much as you love him, he should not be discussing his relationship with your mother with you. You are right to be uncomfortable with this situation, it isn't your place. He should discuss it with a counselor, a sibling of his own, a best friend, anyone but his own son. The personal aspects of the adult relationship have no business being discussed with their children and after 25 years of marriage your father should know that. Just tell him that his problems he has with your mom are between the two of them and to keep it that way. I'm sorry for your situation but, unfortunately, some people just seem to fall out of love. Good Luck to you and your sisters.

Answer 7

You are absolutely correct that this is not your fault. It is not your place to be the intermediary between your parents. You're supposed to be the kid here and they are supposed to be the parents. If they can't communicate together, there is nothing you can say that will make it all better for them. Either they are willing to work on the problem together or not. I hate to say it but Dr. Phil is right...you can't change what you don't acknowledge (there, geesh, I said it). Maybe as the older sibling, it is your responsibility to keep communicating with your sisters so that you can remain sane throughout this mess. One way or another it will all work out and life will go on. Be there for everyone in your family without taking sides.

Answer 8

Tell your Dad you love him. Then tell him he needs to grow up and take care of this matter himself. He created it let him fix it. After 25 years of marriage the emotions of love are gone but the love is still there. Marriage is not a voidable contract. It is for life. You marry by choice. You enter the contract by choice. Divorce is only valid in cases of abuse. The rest is bullshi**. Your Dad is immature and not man enough to fulfill his obligation because he "needs" love. Crap!! He is looking for sex and younger women. Your Mom does not want to listen to his nonsense but that will not stop your Dad from leaving. Stay out of it. Help your sister get along and let your Dad face up to his responsibility if he wants to leave. Good Luck

Answer 9

unfortunatly people fall in and out of love all the time. If your dad no longer loves your mom, nothing can change that, would you rather live in a home where there is tension all the time, screaming, yelling, crying? If they can walk away being friends, that is in the best interest for everyone. sorry.

Answer 10

soothe your sisters and try to stay out of it. divorces are messy enough and you sound mature enough to know that sometimes things change and people change. lets your parents worry about their relationship. and just be there for your younger sisters they will need you throughout this difficult process your parents are going through. either way their relationship goes its gonna be a rough time for everyone involved. god bless.