I can't decide if I love my husband or hate him...?

Question

My job eats my energy plus I have a 2 hour plus commute and parking issues on top of it. I financially support my parents, and am the key wage earner in my home. I'm so tired and so unhappy. I could deal with it if I had my husbands support but he doesn't care. Truly. He makes an effort for friends & strangers but not for me. He won't participate in household decision making, I pay all bills, sort out all problems. he writes 1 cheque to offset bills. I feel so isolated & alone. To socialize I count on my friends. If we go on holiday its because I make the arrangements and pay for it. He doesnt invest the time to please me with a plan. Everything seems like a hassle to him. It hurts. He does chores so not all evil, but its like he does them to have an excuse not to spend time with me. I can't discuss with him as he physically leaves if I try to open a discussion. We've only been married since 2003. I can't make him participate in the marriage and sick of asking.Time to moveon?

Answer 1

why do you financially support your parents?
your marriage should be your marriage
and not vested in your parents
your parents made their future
let them financially figure it out
it's no wonder your husband may seem distant
your time is more spent with yourself and your financial upkeep to your parents
than to your marriage
you have effectively gutted the marriage
divorce is eminent unless you change your ways

Answer 2

B/4 you go to counseling, write him a note and leave it in the bathroom where he will see it b/4 he brushed his teeth.
On that note, make it short and sweet.
......I need you.....and I want you.....I want to talk..
I am so tired after work..I have no more strength . I need your help ............
Hopefully when he sees this he will make the next move and respond that he loves you too,. or say what can I do?
You are the key wage earner? Does he work? You sound like you have reached the end of your rope.
If he responds to your note, sit down together on the couch. Look each other in the eyes and you ask him if he loves you and is he willling to keep your marriage alive? Does he want to be married still? You need to know this now, especially if he doesn't show that he does so that you know what to do. Ask him if he is willing to see a counselor.. Then you make the call soon. Personally, he doesn't sound like he wants to be married. Especially if you work and make all the arrangements for everything. You just need to hear from him that he is through.....Don't be surprised. ( I don't think U R)
Good Luck with all..)......He may be stressing you out more than anything else........

Answer 3

Men and women communicate differently. You might have better luck if you just tell him what you want him to do. Give him some direction. Not hinting to him or waiting for him to discover your needs.
He may be feeling selfconsience about not being a good enough provider and be worried that the discussion with you will focus on that short coming.
Maybe I am wrong but it sounds like you are missing the romance and companionship you thought you were going to get from a marriage. that can be a real let down but if you tell him how you feel and put it the wrong way like a threat or as if you want some one else it could back fire.
Now find a up beat way of telling him his next mission is to plan a nice date and to romance you the way he has not for a while and that you need to feel special.
Tell him you want to start a weekly or bi-weekly date night. and that once a month he plans one and you plan the other. Make a game out of it and suprise each other. They don't have to be expensive just thoughtful.
You have just gotten caught up in daily life and forgotten all the dreams you had about what it would be like to be married. You wanted to spend every day and night with that person for the rest of your life because they brought you such joy and excitement. You loved him so much you wanted to share your life with him. But he felt the same way too, and he needs reminded of those things as well. Those feelings are probably still there for both of you, just wake them up a little.
Maybe getting the romance and fun back in the daily life will help with the rest.
there is no way of knowing if he will participate, but tell him what you want, need and maybe it will work. Perhaps you can kick off the date nights with something he will enjoy, going to a ball game or sports bar to watch a game. Maybe a fishing trip afternoon, or a miniature golfing date.
Sorry I don't have better ideas.
It is possible that this will utterly fail and the next step isn't leaving him but doing your own thing with your own friends and leaving him out of it. Maybe he is happy being the one you come home to. Maybe you will have to see if you can just be happy coming home to him after you have fun with the girls.

Answer 4

I feel you. Im in a similar situation and going through for 10+yrs. First i speak peace into your spirit. Second, It is easy for someone else to tell you to leave so i wont do that b/c only you know when enough is enough. If you are a praying women. take it to God and pray without ceasing. you will get your answer and you then will know that it is right and you will have no guilt. As you pray exhaust your options...offer counseling to your husband and open communication with him. try to get him to open up to you. You might just find out that he also is struggling with something too and may need your prayers. Pray for him while at the same time ask God to work in/out in you what it is he would have for you. This may take sometime but you will get your answer. It took me three years and while i still love my husband, i also realized that things were not going to get any better. Whatever your decision, it MUST be one that you can live with. The Bible says that couples can separate with the intention of working things out(paraphrase). Give yourself sometime away to reflect and pray. And think...just what kind of man your husband was when you met him, when dating etc....there were probably some SIGNS you saw that did not sit well with you but were ignore and also take a look back @ where you were spiritually, and mentally at that time....what were you in search or need of when you met him/married him....b/c this is not all about your husband. It did take two....

Answer 5

It is so hard to tell a perfect stranger to move on. You sound like a hard working, competent, social woman. Life is very short and you may be happier alone or with a "partner". He does not seem to be much of a partner at this point. You sound like an extrovert and he sounds like an introvert. Obviously, you would make it just fine on your own. You are pretty much doing everything now. The only thing you did not mention is why you haven't already left. Do you truly love him? Are you determined to not give up? I wish you the best.

Answer 6

Wait a minute - he writes "1 chque to offset bills". Doesn't that mean he pays for everything? And he does chores too? Sounds like he's a pretty good husband. Maybe the stress from other parts of your life is taking a toll on your marriage. I think you should slow down and think about things - perhaps he's not as bad as you imagine.

Answer 7

know one knows your life, maybe your parents are ill, maybe you're tired and washed out. KIDS,PARENTS HUSBAND AND JOB. I don't know if it is possible to get a job closer to your home, this could cut the drive. Maybe you're mad at everyone including your self for the situation. Just breathe go outside look at the stars and breathe by your self. And think things out on your own, sounds like you are able to do that. Stop making all the arrangements, to hell with it. Let a friend or family member help you for a day, catch a nap.

Answer 8

Linda,

If you've tried talking to your husband about his behavior and he hasn't made the change, then you might be better off without him.

It sounds like you have so much pressure on you right now and he isn't making an attempt to be a spouse. Instead, it is like raising a child.

It's time to consider moving on. Being in a toxic relationship is never recommended if there is no chance of change. He doesn't seem to have the desire to be different..so leave.

Answer 9

Hi..if you got children then that,s really tough..and since you are only taking care of your folks..then that only fifty percent tougher..the other fifty you need to put him on a test..talk to your folk to make this decision....leave him for a moment , and from my opinion...if he value you..things maybe in your favor..and then you can start to work things out from there..Once again, think of the days how he courtship you...ask him for those good times you guys had...shake him alittle, wake up his thought...i think you guys needs is communication......love is a strange thing..emotion take place is always hard to let go..to let it go or to stay on...the only way is to empty your feeling as though this is your first time you meet this man..and from here you can make a firm decision..do not complicate and confuse yourself..either you want him or not..that about it..to drag on..both parties suffers..Come on , tomorrow is always a new beginning...It starts from your thinking..

Answer 10

If he can't talk about it, though, it may be time to move on, then simply start saving money now, to make the move easier. Give it a few months of status quo.
Then simply without talking about it just contact a divorce lawyer and sue for divorce. If it's no communication now already, and he's not willing to do anything about it, it's unlikely he'll ever change. You deserve better!

Answer 11

You probably don't hate him. When you're really, really, angry at someone, it can feel like it, though.
Go to counseling by yourself. A counselor can help you sort out what's going on here, and make a plan for your future.

Don't give up, things will get better one way or another, even if it doesn't seem like it now. I'm pulling for you!