same problems, same fights, nothing ever comes of it?

Question

At my wits end, ladies! My husband and I have been married for 3 years, and ive always felt he is taking me for granted. I left twice, thinking he would realize what he had and change his ways... but everytime i come back its the same thing!

We havent had a constructive fight in years, but fight nearly every day. big fights.

what is it going to take for him to see things my way! Ive tried comprimising, but when im the only one trying, i cant meet him half way.

marriage counseling? divorce? what helps?!??

Some of the things we fight about are: Him leaving his messes ALL over the house after i cleaned it all day (and when its dirty he asks "so what the he77 did YOU do all day")

we fight about money.... because he spends it frivilously, and keeps me on a tight budget.

we fight about my friends... because he thinks all i need is him and all he needs is me... he doesnt understand why sometimes it helps to call my bestfriend back home to vent

we fight about household chores... if i spend 2 hours cooking an amazing dinner.... the last thing i want to do is have to jump right back in the kitchen to clean it up. I grew up in a house where the cook never cleaned.

we fight about my sleeping schedule... because he is jealous that I get to sleep in a little bit? (he is in Air Force)

and i feel i will be eternally angry with him because he used to hit me.

O.o

Answer 1

Something needs to change. I have had a similar problem with my husband and recently we did something different, instead of fighting about it and then leaving it for the next time, because each time the fights got bigger, we talked to someone. When we were not fighting, we called up my parents (that is just who we talked to) and had an adult conversation where we were both validated in our feelings and they gave us some suggestions. It helps to have an outsiders opinion that you both trust.

The next thing is to really listen, I know I was busy driving my point home because I felt like he was not hearing but I was also not really listening, once I did there was a real understanding, take the initiative and be the one to start in a positive direction and really seek help, that is what finally worked for us!

Answer 2

Go to counseling. Maybe he doesn't see your behavior as being as compromising as you do. It sounds like you need to learn to communicate.
Do you have a job, or are you a stay at home wife/mom? If you don't have a full time job, I can understand why he might expect the house to be clean - it's really the only thing you have to do all day long & could technically be considered your 'job'. At the same time, he should definitely do his part to not make messes when he's home. He's an adult and adults should know how to clean up after themselves.
I work full time and so does my significant other. I do 95% of the household work - and I also bring home about 60 - 70% of the pay. I see it as my way of babying him, and you know what - if I ever ask him to do something, he's right there to help because he knows that I don't ask unless I absolutely have to.
Sometimes stereotypes are hard to let go of. But I would say definitely that if he's bringing home all the income, you probably have no right or reason to be angry if he expects you to maintain the house.

Answer 3

I think that he has been conditioned to think that watching porn is something naughty that needs to hide from you. Also he may enjoy the solo thing a little too much. Hence I think it is not really an issue of trust. I think it is an issue of conditioning. I think he needs to be gradually re-conditioned to share this activity with you. This could take a lot of time. I think when you turn it into a 'lack of trust issue' then you unwittingly make it wrose. I.e. it turned out to be somethig naughty after all. (I realise this is not waht you are saying). Also he will sence that you are not into the same porn and you don't like the preformance later. He will sence this no matter how much you try to hide it. Hence he may think it is just easier to do it when you are not there. Sooooo Rather than make it a trust issue. Make it more a 'I'm disaapointed that we didn't do it together' issue. I know you have already said this but the messages can get mixed up due to his pre-conditioning and your different tastes. Hence work on the let's do this activity together more often approach. Rather less of the 'you must tell me'. So for example, why don't you ask him if you can do it together. I don't know if you like watching him masturbate at all but if you do like that then make sure you tell him. Perhaps you can do each other while you watch. Whatever the details are, work positively to include it into your fun together. Work on it constructively.

Answer 4

Proabally nothing i am going to tell you, you will like hearing but it is 100% truth. Do you REALLY want to stop the fights??? First off, you cannot leave someone to make them stop taking you for granted. Doesn't work that way. It will actually make things worse. If you want him to see and know what he has, then try to be the best wife you can be. That is what does it!! Second, maybe he is not the one who needs to change his ways. ya know? Search yourself honestly as only God and you really know the true answers. Thirdly: Respecting him will help him to see your ways.(the heart of a woman). Women want Love, Men want Respect. You will not get what you want or need out of him until you start showing him some respect. I told you before i started, you would not want to hear this but if you really want the fights to stop or at least ease up to a big degree, a more loving husband, a better marriage then you will be willing to try this.
What in the world do you have to lose????? NOTHING!!! But evrything to gain from it. Please do not worry about becoming his doormat as most of us women fear. Most men love there wives and are good willed. So you should be fine.
Good luck, God bless. This change takes a little time to go in effect. Your marriage didn't get bad over night and it will not heal over night. It takes time. Just keep hanging with it and do this Respect thing Daily. - You Will See Changes...

Answer 5

I live by the saying, if you keep bumping into the same wall, and it starts to hurt, you need to change directions. I know it is not what you want to hear, but I think you need to stop expecting someone to change and see things your way. Try just talking about what the problem is on both sides and find a resolution together. Depending on what you are fighting about, sometimes you need to agree to disagree. If both people in the relationship want it to work than you both will do whatever it takes, but a person should not have to change to please someone else. If you love someone, you take the good with the bad. I could only give a generalization of the answer because you did not give any details on what kind of things you fight about.

Good luck

Answer 6

Sorry to say but he does realize what he has, it's you that can't see things for what they are.

He is what he is and you either accept it or move on. You are a fool to think he will change or that you can change him. If fact, you thinking he should change is selfish on your part. He likes the way he is and you wouldn't be very happy if he wanted you to change something you like about yourself.

This isn't getting better and never will, it will only get worse. The problem is you, why do you keep coming back? Are you so desperate that you want a loser? Next time pick a better guy and you won't have these problems.

Answer 7

Good grief...you've left him twice yet keep going back. You fight every day? There are relationships that just thrive on bickering and fighting. The fact that you think you can make him change by punishing him with leaving is a huge mistake. You aren't going to change anyone. To me it doesn't sound like you WANT to compromise. Sounds like you want him to go all the way on your way or nothing at all. (Might just be how you worded it, tho)

This is NOT healthy for either of you. Either get counseling or get out of it.

Answer 8

I dont think this is grounds for a divorce. I dont think leaving is going to solve anything either. I think that you should back off a little. I think that you should stop doing whatever it is you do that he is taking for granted. Be loving about it but if he doesnt appreciate when you cook than dont. When he asks where his dinner is tell him that you thought he might want to take a stab at it since your cooking isnt doing it for him. If its running errands for him, stop for awhile until he reallizes how much he appreciates you. Always be loving but dont be a doormat. Love him and try to relax for awhile. Dont worry about him so much and try to let this work itself out. Do your own thing. What relaxes you and what do you love to do? Take a class, start going after a lifelong dream to get your mind off the fighting and your husband. It may just be that you are analyzing your marraige to death. Let it be for awhile.

Answer 9

need to find a resolution whatever that may be. im not a psychic or anything and dont know your indifferences and reasons why cannot solve problems but sounds like if want to keep going need some help from a counsellor since cannot resolve issues yourselves. thats if want to resolve, some people like fighting and therefore always same thing.so if person is willing to change have a shot but has to be up to them not u since the only person u can ever truly change is yourself. and think how hard that is just to do that so how can possible change another when can barely do yourself. its impossible.

Answer 10

You have to ask yourself if it's worth it to keep struggling through this? Are you happy, CAN you be happy with him? Are the things you fight about something that can be resolved?

I'd suggest trying marriage counseling - it helps some people, but BOTH parties have to be willing to work at the marriage. Just remember, you can't fix it alone - been there, done that. I wish you the best hun..