What should I do?

Question

My fiance' and I have been together for 11 months. Prior to our relationship he had never met his real mom. I looked her up on the internet and found her and all of sudden she decides she wants to have something to do with him. She left him when he was 2 years old and has had nothing to do with him for 17 years and no she comes into his life and wants to try to be his mom. In my opinion she will never be his mom because she was never there for him. Now all she wants is for him to move to Oklahoma with her (we live in Missouri). I hate her for wanting to take him away from me and she has even bribed him with a cell phone so he'll feel obligated to have to talk to her. She's not the kind of person I would want my kids to call grandma and I even told him that our kids wouldn't call her grandma and that his step mom (the one who raised him) would be the one they call grandma. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. She means so much to him and I hate her guts. What would you do?

I reallize that this isn't my decision to make and that there is no way for me to know what happened in the past but what I do know is she left when he was two years old and anybody who could just leave there two year old behind and stay away for 17 years is a piece of S***. She don't deserve to have the chance to try to be his mom now. A mom is somebody who raises you from the time you're a baby not somebody who decides they want something to do with you 17 years later. He won't move to Oklahoma and leave me behind so she might as well back off because I've been here for him when she wasn't. I can read him like an open book and she doesn't know anything about him.

Answer 1

Sounds like he may need you to be there for him.

Don't take this wrong but it is not about your feelings in this situation....it is about his and his mothers.

If he bonds with her then move on with someone else, because he may want her to be a part of his children's life and you have already made an opinion of not understanding..

Life throws us hands that are hard to deal with, however you were not there when she left him so you don't know her reason.

If you love him, please be there for him. You never know there may be some forgiveness here and bonding.....if not then you will have been there and held his hand through it all.

PSS....Thats just awful that you chose who the children will call grandma in his side of the family.

Answer 2

If you feel so strongly about your fiance's mom not being in his life since he was two years old, then why did you look her up for him in the first place?

You've should've left it alone if you felt that way about the mother.

What you have to understand is that despite your feelings, this is his mother and he deserves to be loved by her. Regardless as to what pushed her away from being with her child, she is his mother and deserves that much.

It is up to him to decide what his future holds with his mom. If you make him chose between you and her, and he chooses her, you will be hurt. If he chooses you, eventually, he'll regret you and you will lose him...

Time for you to suck it up and begin to be the potential wife that he needs. THis mean, not liking his decisions, but supporting them and helping him. This also means, swallowing your pride for the benefit of your man..

Answer 3

I understand your feelings completely, but unfortunately, this isn't your call. This is completely up to your fiance because it's ultimately going to be his relationship with his mother. This is a time when he's going to need you to be beside him because I'm sure he's feeling a lot of pain from this from the past and who's to know the real story behind it? He's going to have to decide this on his own.

Answer 4

You need to stop causing more drama in your boyfriends life by gripping about his mother. The decision for him to have a relationship with his mother is his alone to make, and you need to stop interfering. If she left him for no good reason and was never there for him, then I would say he has issues he wishes to resolve with her and he needs to do it his way, not yours. Before you cast a stone at his mother, look at yourself first, you will see you are not that innocent either to when it comes to what is best for him. My advice to you would be just to be there for him and support him in anyway you can, as if his mom is really as bad as you say, one day he will need the love and support of someone who cares. Let that someone be you. I do wish you the very best.

Answer 5

Unfortunately this is not your decision. If she really is a bad you say, then your future husband will figure that for himself.

The plus side is that he will have this out of the way and it won't be on his mind forever.

You did an honest thing in trying to bring them together and you should be given credit for that. However, now its time for him to take the reigns.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I hate to say it, but if you marry this man and he has his mother in his life it will be nothing but drama. Let him get to know her and decide for himself how he feels about her. Remind him who was there for him and who raised him. If he still wants her to be a big part of his life, then you may need to rethink marriage.

Answer 7

Hey.. you're the one who found her on the internet.
You opened the door... but you aren't the one who's responsible for closing it.
This will have to run its course. You be supportive of your husband and hope he makes the right choices.
The more you nag.. the more you're going to push him closer to her.

Answer 8

Ummm why the H did you get involved in the first place ? I suggest you dont marry him now . Its just too bad you had to have kids in middle of all this .

Answer 9

As much as you love him, that is his biological mother and he should be allowed to decide on his own in that matter.

Answer 10

Darlin I am with you ! The people with whom you were raised are the real parents . a.k.a. grandparents ! No doubt in my mind. I will pray that it stays that way.