him about certain hang-ups (alcohol/drugs/strip clubs/porn) I had due to a past abusive relationship. He accepted that. He has a standing guys night every Thursday which he knows is hard on me (ex would go to bars/clubs after work on Friday and wouldn't home til Sunday) but I'm trying to deal with it. Due to circumstances (my brother passed away, my daughter graduated and I had to have surgery) he hadn't been to guys night in about a month. I know he deserved this night out and I wasn't going to make him feel bad about going. However, he got really wasted and stayed out really late. Flash backs for me!!! He also said some things he wouldn't normally say that were kinda of hurtful to me (negative comments about marriage in general and a reference to his ex-wife). We didn't argue or anything but now it seems as though my guard is up. Just need perspective, should I talk to him about last night or just chalk it up as a well deserved night out and just let it go?
2007-06-01 07:26:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He doesn't go to strip clubs, he knows that's a deal breaker for me. He goes to a small corner bar that's 90% men and they all work at the same place. I have a standing invite to go and have been a few times, but I do want this to be a place HE can go to relax, unwind and "spit & scratch" with the guys.
2007-06-01 07:42:54 · update #1
I really don't have a problem with his Thursday nights. Usually he goes, has a few drinks and comes home at a very reasonable hour. This time was "to the extreme", not his normal routine.
2007-06-01 08:11:03 · update #2
I would say just let it go, he sounds like a good guy and everyone deserves a guys or girls nite out. Drinking w/buddies isn't the end of the world. On the other hand, the problem for you is that if you don't communicate your feelings, they might bottle up and then come out later. If you decide to let it go, then you need to really do that. If not, then it's OK to tell him that while you really find no fault with his behavior, you just wanted to let him know that you are struggling with negative emotions about his heavy drinking and odd comments. Let him know you don't expect him to give up his guys nite out, but that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to be laid back about it, there are times when it is hard for you to let go of the past.
2007-06-01 07:32:02 · answer #1 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You cannot continue to live in the past. There will always be things that will happen or be said to spark any kind of past memory, whether good or bad. You can't compare your fiance to the person that hurt you before. Couples need time apart to be with their individual friends. You also need to have time away from him. If you trust him then let him hang out with the guys and not feel guilty for doing so. Call some of your friends and try scheduling night outs. If you resent him for going he will want to go more out of spite, which could cause more problems.
2007-06-01 08:06:58 · answer #2 · answered by sportsfanstl1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife was in an abusive relationship for 19 years before I met her. She does not keep anything inside.
It sounds like his drinking brought back some bad memories of his first marriage and alcohol is a truth serum.
He needs to know that being drunk in front of you and saying negative things about marriage are hurtful to you and bring back bad memories.
My wife has flashbacks too. In fact, she has Complex PTSD. She is now on medication for it and that is making a big difference for her.
Take care,
Troy
2007-06-01 07:45:16 · answer #3 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I feel a little suffocated just reading the question!
Seriously, your baggage from your past relationship is cluttering up your current one. You need to deal with what was then and discard that old baggage as the PAST.
So long as your old marriage is still with you every Thursday even just with your hurt looks or comments, you can expect that his little quips will continue - because this is his subtle way of asking you to trust him and give him a little slack on this.
"HE IS NOT YOUR EX"
Say it 10 times with me. Now understand it. Now move on.
2007-06-01 08:23:17 · answer #4 · answered by Zaferus 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First ask him how was his "night out" then ask him if he remembers much about it and the conversation the two of you had. Should he ask you if he said or did something to upset you then let him know, buut dont go into a "ranting rage" over it. Explain to him he was extremely wasted and saidblah, blah, blah and tell him it made you feel very uncomfortable due to your past experiences. Hopefully he will apologize for his words.
2007-06-01 07:36:28 · answer #5 · answered by nickle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like the type of woman who will always involve yourself with dirt. Perhaps you have low self-esteem. It is obvious that after one abusive relationship, you jumped into another relationship with a guy that places zero value on you.
Some women are like that. They refuse to meet and have relationships with really nice men. Your problem is not your ex and your current lover, but your REAL problem is YOU, and your failure to date a guy long enough to get to really know him, and your failure to set proper standards. You set the bar way too low. You need help. You need to seek a counselor who can eliminiate your craving for scumbags, and teach you how to set the bar far higher and then seek out a quality man.
2007-06-01 07:34:20 · answer #6 · answered by RealTruth 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
what the hell! I have been married for 26 years and my wife never let me have a men's night out, where is that writen in the marriage handbook I'm so pissed she cheated me out of 26 years of nights out!
Sounds like trouble to me I know if i was to go out every week some little two bit huzzy will get to wanting what my wife has.[me] Not good!
Your not his Ex-wife but could be if he don't get his crap together!
Your in a emotional fix with the post operation, grieving process and empty nest syndrome. You need TLC and Lots of support not another problem-[aka- night out] thats BS.
its your choice to forget it but will it help anything or the way you truly feel? hummmm?
2007-06-01 07:43:14 · answer #7 · answered by kiphyn b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just sit him down and let him know how you feel. Tell him EVERYTHING - that you want him to go out and have a good time, but that his behaviour the other night triggered these feelings in you. If he truly cares for you, he will understand how you feel and he will try to be more considerate the next time he goes out (while still having a good time).
2007-06-01 07:41:39 · answer #8 · answered by Scott O 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
relationships take work. and u need to work on Yourself.. ur trust issues, ur commitment issues.... that is separate from him. regardless of who u are with, u will be having these same problems! so u need to figure out how to Trust. and be independent and Secure in ur marriage.
the way i see it is, the more wonderful, great, honest, attractive, beautiful, confident, caring (pretty much every single positive quality u can think of!) WOMAN you are, the more of a "catch" you are , right? so, if a guy is stupid enough to treat u badly , or let u leave, that's his bad, not yours. a relationship is a voluntary committment. heck, if ur such a great catch, u dont Have to be w/ just anyone! u can be single, date around, and have a great time! but u chose to stick w/ this dude, and he needs to appreciate that. but if either of u are broken, dependent, scared, insecure, it hurts the relationship. both of u need to work on ur own selves, to be strong and independent and positive people, who work together to make a relationship BETTER.
good luck.
2007-06-01 07:32:26 · answer #9 · answered by sasmallworld 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Uggh ikr!? My uncle is a Gemini, and he acts like that (minus the gay part) , he's kind of young (29), so he kind of acts like a douch bag sometimes,he's honest in a mean way. He changes the way he acts, and the things he "believes" in depending on who he is talking to. We get along, but at the same time we fight a lot I mean I love him to death, but I've decided early on that I'm never marrying a Gemini, I have no fcking patience for them.
2016-05-18 21:48:51 · answer #10 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋