Is neglecting your spouse a good enough reason for her to have an affair?

Question

My wife stated that I have neglected her emotionally and now I found out she had an affair. Is that justified able?

Answer 1

Having an affair is always a devastating experience. It is a violation of trust, undermines your confidence and can often destroy a marriage. Although we are always ultimately responsible for our own actions, you neglecting your wife did not help her to stay as strong as she needed to be.

One of the most basic needs of a woman is to feel desired and wanted. She wants to feel "chosen". She wants to connect with you!!! When you choose your career, your children, the T.V., the internet, friends, hobbies, etc. over her, she begins to doubt herself. Is she good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc.? Over time she becomes weakened emotionally ... and if someone "chooses" her and makes her feel that she is a priority, it becomes difficult to resist - especially if she has been "neglected" for a long time. We reap what we sow!! If you have cheated her out of your time, your attention, and your heart, AND if you have placed a greater value on other things than listening to her and RESPONDING to her, is it so hard to believe that she would cheat as well? It is not right what she did ....but neither is what you've done. Counseling will help, however, it takes time and a willingness to make the other one the priority. Listen to what she says, what she needs and RESPOND. She can help you understand what she needs from you. Don't be afraid to open up and give her YOU. God bless you. I pray you will become close once again.

Answer 2

Having an affair is never justifiable. It is dishonest and rarely works out for the two people engaged in the situation. However, if your wife is telling you she felt neglected, chances are she gave you clues or told you something similar a while back. Did you hear her?

If you didn't, you aren't alone. One of the biggest issues between men and women is communication. We have very different ways of getting our point across. Women tend to drop hints or do subtle things to get your attention. We rarely ask directly for exactly what we want, and for most men, this is really confusing. Women are much better at reading body language and guaging emotion than men because we are more verbal much earlier than males. This doesn't mean that men are idiots. You just don't see what we are saying, and truthfully, we don't always just come out and say what we want until it's too late. You then, feel lost, and have no idea what the big hoopla is all about.

Men, on the other hand, are problem solvers. You like to know what the problem is and then fix it. Women are talkers. We are not so interested in finding a solution, (we probably already have that figured out,) but we love to talk and talk and talk about it. You don't. You just want to fix it and move on. If you want more information on communication styles, I highly reccommend "Women are From Venus, Men are From Mars"
by John Gray. It's an easy read with lots of examples that might help explain things more clearly.

I tell you all of this to help you see that whatever happened in your relationship is a product of both your mistakes, not just yours. Of course you do not say how old you are, how long you have been married, or if you have had a fling yourself. I am sure there is a lot more going on than what you have space to write about.

Short story long, the best thing to do is sit down with her and guage whether or not this is a relationship you both want to continue. Affairs happen for a lot of reasons. Pinpoint what went wrong, and then decide if it is fixable. Is the current behavior a pattern or just a glitch in the inner workings of your relationship? This is important because patterns are hard to break. Ask anyone who has tried to quit smoking.

Last but not least, seek out help. Counseling will be good for you whether you choose to stay or go. Working out all the emotions you are undoubtedly going through will help you move on whether you are together or on your own.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Nothing can justify having an affair. That may be why she did it but it does not make it right. Are you neglecting her? Is she lonely? People need to feel needed and loved, she must have found that somewhere else, but she probably really wants it from you. She should have tried to talk to you first and you need to listen.

Answer 4

No. IF she were feeling neglected she should have spoken to you about her feelings. She CHOSE to have an affair which obviously was brought out into the open and now she is looking for any excuse she can to justify her actions which she KNOWS were wrong.

Answer 5

If, over the years she has approached you in various ways in an attempt to improve your emotional bond, then perhaps you do hold some responsibility in her having an affair. Think back, were there times she was clearly attempting to get you involved? That being said, having an affair is selfish and a horrible betrayal, and while you may hold some responsibility in her 'reasons' she needs to own up to the fact that two wrongs don't make a right.

Answer 6

I would never say that cheating is okay as a practice. I would never. I still do understand the urge for attention and this is the reason women cheat most of the time. However there is a great double standard with women, they felt neglected! Hell, we as men feel neglected when we get into the relationship and realize that our mater confuses just having sex alot with being a freak. THen within the first 5 years their sex ain't the same anyway. Just know, us men cannot use it so I would let her get away with that stuff.

Answer 7

The reverse is happening to me right now. I am completely in love with my wife. I am toying with the idea of having an affair if the opportunity pops up. I have told my wife how I feel, but she just has no drive. We have sex about once a month. When we do, I make sure she orgasms (I can't do it for her, the toys can though). I have asked her if I can do anything to spice things up, but she doesn't really respond. I have told her some of the things that she used to do that turn me on, but it doesn't help. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 8

Being neglected is the cheater's excuse. They probably do feel neglected, so their selfish side tells them it's ok to do whatever terrible thing they want. It's an act of vengeance! Defiance!

Most women do cheat for this very reason. Did she try to talk to you before all of this came to light? Did she struggle with you?

If she kept rejecting you, you might be tempted to do the same thing. Sometimes it's lonely in a marriage.

Answer 9

No good reason to have an affair, but she can use it to JUSTIFY so it is YOUR Fault and not her CHOICE.
She chose to turn away from you to solve her problems, to be a cheater, and a liar and then try to make it your fault.
You may be guilty of neglect, but the solution is for her to tell you, and turn to you, and make you go to counselling. And if you won't go, for her to go alone, so she can figure out how to solve her issues without becoming more of a mess.
If you still want to work things out, and she still cares to work on her marriage, you can fix this.
If she (or you) doesn't care to do the work to get back together, then leave her, and start over.
Do NOT get divorced, but take pictures of her with the other guy and tuck them away. Do not date anyone yourself. When SHE decides she has to have a divorce, YOU will be in a neat little spot, so she won't get alimony.

Answer 10

There is no reason to have an affair. Period. She's an adult and someone who has enough life experience to make the right choices. If you were having problems to the point where she wanted to be with someone else, she should have talked to you about it. If she felt that she couldnt talk to you about it, she should have gone to counselling. If it was beyond all repair, she should have seperated from you.

I've been that woman. I cheated because I claimed I wasnt getting the support I needed (and I wasnt) but I have moved passed it and know, accept and admit that I cheated because I wanted to hurt him back for not caring about me the way I felt he should have. It's wrong and you shouldnt let her off the hook for it if you plan on salvaging your marriage.