my ex wants counseling?

Question

My ex was abusive and tried to hurt me physically and scare me when I left the marriage. He was arrested and is on a year of probation. He is now calling me and asking for me to go to counseling with him for a month once a week. I am about 8 weeks away from my divorce being final. He says that he wants to show me now that he has changed and his priorities are better now. He says he has had 9 months of counseling and is a different person. I don’t believe him. Everything in me says NO to this. But then there is a very small part of me that wants to give him this chance in counseling. I am not moving back in with him or anything. But I just do not want to open that door again. Of course there is small part of me that still loves him and all the good memories. But I have changed so much. I am stronger , more independent and vocal. I can’t go back to being passive and allowing someone to control me. He says that he would not control me but I just can’t trust him. I am afraid that if I say no he will do something. I do not want to live in fear any longer. I was just wondering if anyone has ever been here before?

Answer 1

Good that he's going to counseling. Good that you're staying away. Follow your gut..."everything in me says NO to this."

He's your ex, he abused you. Not only finalize the divorce, get a PFA, change your address and phone number, etc.... Stay away from that man.

Answer 2

Been there. Done that. Use your head, girl. Men who hit women never change. They always say they're sorry and won't do it again. They always say they've changed. Move, change your phone number(s) to unlisted. Don't talk to him. If you have a child together and he has visitation, make arrangements for him to visit and/or pick up the child at a safe location. Most states and/or counties have actual agencies where safe and/or supervised visitations can be arranged and there's no charge for it. Usually one of the rules of a person's probation if they've gone to jail for abusing someone is that they have to stay away from that person. Hopefully, you have enough sense not to go places by yourself and don't live by yourself. If not, I would suggest finding another place to stay in another state (with relatives or whatever), finding another job or transferring to another job if you work for a large company. You will have to have an unlisted phone number(s) and change your e-mail and IM addresses. Also, you will have to be really careful as to who knows where you are. Keep your mouth shut and just do it. It will be hard, but not nearly as hard as what he may do to you the next time! Why the hell are you even talking and/or communicating with him? Are you a glutton for punishment? How many times has he already told you he wouldn't do it again, he's sorry or that he's changed?

Answer 3

Run girl Run! What you just wrote above is everything an abuser will say. They have changed and they will prove it to you. They will say whatever they think you want them to hear to get them back. Most cases the person does go back and it is great for a couple of weeks and then it reverts back to hell. You are out now, don't lose your Independence and freedom that you have learned to give back to yourself. I have done it several times with an EX in the past and it the end it never got better. Each time I went back it got worse and worse. Stay away follow your gut!!!!!! Don't even think about being apart of his life again. Be strong and move on! You deserve happiness. It takes years for an abuser to learn to be a better person.

Answer 4

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. You're a brave lady and I'm proud you found the strength to leave him.

Follow what your head and your instincts are already telling you. Do not go through with this and allow him back into your life. You can keep the good memories, but they are just that. You're on the right track, don't go back. I understand that little part of you wanting to give him a chance, but that's the part that can possibly lead you back into the path of his abuse.

Stay the strong woman you are and continue to be the stronger woman you've become. Good luck!

Answer 5

I tell you what,that man tried to hurt you once,and next time it may be fatal...run whilde you have the change ;get a ex parte order...and get yourself some protection...alarm system on the doors whatever it takes....he is already on probation for a year,do you think that would stop him from hurting you...I have seen women get shot in their driveways,set on fire,if you even speak with him ...it can cause him to bring up old memories and then he starts to read more into it than you are ready to give....if you say no to his request see how he is going to respond! crazy..if it has gone that far and he still is bothering you,he does not care about nothing!

Answer 6

Listen to your gut. Of course, there is a part of you that still loves him, but if you have no interest in having him in your life-stand firm.
If he has really changed, he will STAY changed no matter what you do or don't do. This is a man crying out to return to his comfort zone, like a guy who quits drinking long enough to get you back and then he gets all comfy and starts up again.
Tell him you are really proud of him, and hope he has a nice life. Tell him you have "trust issues." (It's not about him, but about you.)
Tell him, he is welcome to try to prove himself to you-but from OVER THERE! Tell him you are not interested in going to counselling with him, that you have moved on.
If you are in fear of him-how good can that be? Tell him what you want to say in a public place or over the phone. Do not invite him to your home-ever-
Your little voice is warning you--listen.
If he so much as breathes on you, call the police.
Good luck honey.

Answer 7

He says he's been in counseling for 9 months, I gotta ask, have you? Most abusers don't ever change their patterns, though it is possible for about 5% of them. However, since you were abused, I'd wonder what work you have done on yourself, in counseling so that you never repeat the pattern?

If you go with him once a week, does it interfere with the process of the divorce?

If you were (are) in counseling, I'd suggest that you talk to your counselor about this.

Answer 8

I disagree with the first poster here about one thing. Counseling is not a crock. People are helped all the time in counseling. I'm biased though, I'm a marriage and family counselor, and I see people all the time that are helped and move on from painful situations.

But this is about you and your ex. You have a history of abuse with this man and you have made strides to move on and improve yourself. I would not suggest giving him another chance.

If you are in fear of him still, do get a restraining order.

Answer 9

You answered your own question, You have moved on.
Its understandable you love him in your own way. It takes more then 9 months of therpy to change. You seem to have a good head on your shoulder and have sucessfully move on. You can still be friends if you like, but I think is best you stay apart for a while.
Don't look back and keep going. You have a new life now. Wish you all the best.

Answer 10

The deal breaker is him hitting you!!!!! No man should ever put his hands on the mother of his child in anger. Get away from this guy NOW, before he does something stupid and serious to you and/or your baby. He has to sort out his anger issues with professional help, support his child and get his life on the right track before you even consider counselling to get back with him. If he shapes up.....you might have a chance. Wouldn't hurt for you to get some mental health help too!!