Does anyone know how to deal with "The Unspoken Crime"?

Question

SUBJECT: ...........Spousal Abuse....................

I've come to see this in the life of one of my close Friends.
And I'm confused at how to handle it.

Taking the High Ground. Means she will be beatin' some more.

Taking the Low Ground will probably find me in Jail.

I know it happens? And I know there's simple forms of advice.
I would like to know, from both Men & Women?
Where is the fine line between caring?
And stepping over into someone's Personal Life?

Both choices, does not have a firm solution. Where should I go on this?
How difficult is it to convince someone that it's not her fault?
"Just Deal with it". Isn't the answer.When it deals with a close Friend.

Can I have some respectful, and intelligent answers?
To this very real and very serious problem.

BTW: High Ground - Ignoring the situation

Low Ground - Confronting the abuser

Answer 1

you,re correct that this is a very real and serious problem.
and I'm afraid that there are no easy answers.
something Ive learned about spousal abuse, is that the victim has 2 abusers, their spouse and themselves.to people who have never dealt with it ,it appears to be a no brainer."Just leave the abuser"! but its deeper and more complicated than that,because the victim them self has these attitudes,fears and deep beliefs that have to be overcome.And without conquering these ,even if the victim does leave ,they ,1.get sucked back into the relationship.or 2. find a new abuser. No, i,m not blaming the victim.I'm speaking from personal experience.so I know that if you pressure your friend, she will put distance between you. maybe even stop talking to you. I found it alot easier to alienate my friends and family than to be honest about what was going on.
I was caught up in the whole mind game of If i was a better wife ,If i do it this way /dont do it this way ,talk this way /dont talk this way.I can make it work.and Other than the beatings he,s a good man.and I cant live without him! who else would ever want me?http://www.drirene.com/understanding.htm
what finally made a change in my life was i joined a womens group(for depression) The first thing they did was hand me the Bill of Human Rights and slowly i became aware of what abuse was in all its forms. first in other women then in myself.and then by bonding with these other women and becoming outraged at the abuse against them,I became outraged at my own situation and finally began putting distance between my abuser and myself. at first emotionaly and then physically.it isnt easy to overcome a lifelong belief system or self destructive behaviors, It takes alot of honesty and work and support from others that have been there.
I think as her friend I would put it in her face.that you know and that it s not right,that she doesnt deserve it and you will be there to help her if she wants help.reccomend the site above ,dont push,just let her know you know, and that you think it,s a problem .she may back away but at the same time she ,ll be thinking about it.the big part of hiding it is so she doesnt have to face the truth.facing the truth is how one starts to change.
keeping quiet about it so as not to hurt the friendship or "make waves" may become the worst choice youve ever made.
peace ><>

Answer 2

Does the couple have health insurance? Perhaps you could encourage her to have her husband see a doctor or a psychologist. (I'm assuming the guy's the one being physical; correct me if I'm wrong.) It's possible that he is suffering from depression, bi-polar disease, etc. This is particularly likely if this is a "new" thing and he isn't sure how to stop it, but wants to.

Anger management generally doesn't work, although it might be worth a shot - if only to know whether or not the guy sees the abuse as "a problem".

If what you're dealing with, on the other hand, is not a generally OK guy who has gotten out of hand, but a controlling, manipulative abuser, then she needs more help than that. See if you can take her to talk to someone about it. I'm not sure if there are any "AA" type meeting for this, but it would be very helpful to her to hear other women's stories. Often a woman can't recognize what kind of person her spouse is, or that he's really got a problem *personality*, until hearing about someone else's husband.

If you can't find a group, buy her a few books about domestic abusers with some stories in them that she might relate to. Also the book "Red Flags; How to Know When You're Dating a Loser". Don't laugh...it's filled with simple checklists, and my good friend suddenly realized she needed to dump her awful boyfriend after having objective "proof" that he was a jerk. Sometimes that's all it takes for the woman to be motivated to leave an abusive person - something objective like a checklist.

Getting her to decide whether she needs to leave her husband is the first step. You honestly can't do too much unless she actually *wants* to leave him. Give her some time after doing the above things, and then encourage her to talk about a bit. *That's* the time to offer your support - once she decides that she needs to leave him. Before that, she's just be annoyed with you for assuming she needs help. But the second she *does* sound like she wants to leave him, step in and do everything you can to help. Don't do anything too extreme before you know for sure - he might actually be bi-polar, and having proper medication could turn the situation around, but then you'd be too embarrased to even see the couple anymore. I've seen both - truly abusive men where the woman leaves eventually, and OK people that have let things get out of hand. You don't know what category he's in quite yet.

Answer 3

Perhaps tell her that domestic violence is not ok, it is not respecting her, it is not good for her. Her husband can obviously be a very violent man if you are scared of confronting him? One of my mum's friends was killed by her husband. I don't take domestic violence lightly. I suggest telling that women its not ok, its harmful to her, and that something needs to change. Give her a few options: talk to her husband, leave him and stay with a friend and only return if she believes (and he has said) that he won't hit her again... or if she doesn't want any of these things - tell her you will call the police. Tell her you care about her and her husband, and that this is not healthy, her husband needs to learn how to control his anger. I think if you don't want to confront him, tell the police.

You are right it is an "unspoken crime". So was incest not so long ago (and to a lesser extent, still). So was other forms of child abuse 30 years ago. These things, including domestic violence, only become publically condemned when they are legally condemned and not ignored - not pretending it is okay or normal.

When her husband is regularly beating her up it is your duty to report this to the police. Her life and well-being is in danger, and he needs to be held accountable too. It should not be a private matter but a public one, when this happens.

If she does leave her husband she could be in much more danger of violent, or even being killed, by her husband if he finds her. So she would need to stay at a women's shelter, or with someone who he did not know.

Answer 4

If you are a Christian, I would urge you to pray earnestly about this and seek God's direction. He knows exactly what's going on, and the reasons behind the abuse. Some women suffer abuse because they (wrongly) think they must deserve the abuse, that it's their fault. Often their self esteem is low before the abuse begins, and is utterly destroyed by it. They also might have no realistic way of keeping a roof over their head (especially if they have children). She might feel that everyone will despise her for walking out. She needs to have a trusted friend she can talk to, and that might not be you. It might need to be another woman. The big danger in you stepping in to support her here is that the two of you could end up compromised. Professional help is vital. Get her to marriage guidance counselling, or a sheltered women's organization. Others will be praying for her, and for your supportive role.

Answer 5

I know how difficult this is to go through. I watched one of my dearest friends suffer in a very abusive relationship and it killed me a little more every time I saw another bruise.

The first thing you have to do is be persistant in remaining her friend. Abusers often try and cut off the contact that friends and family have with the abused person because that gives them even more control.

Make sure that she knows you are there for her, no matter what happens. Many in abusive relationships stay because they don't know how they can leave, and often the first obstacle is where to go.

Don't stay silent about the situation, but don't tell her what she "has" to do. That only reinforces the need to prove people wrong about the abuser and wanting to make it right. DO tell her she deserves better, that she deserves the right to not be afraid in her own home.

The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they leave their abuser. If or when she does leave this cretin, help her through the process of starting the paper trail with a TRO, get her into counseling, find her a support group, and make sure she has a network behind her outside of that support group in the form of family and friends.

That was always the hardest thing with my friend...waiting for her to realize what the rest of us who loved her already knew, that he was not worth the pain he put her through. When she did realize that, she didn't waste time and she called me to help her leave. It was hard, she sometimes doubted if it was the right thing, but in the end, she could go to bed every night without bruises and wake up not worrying if he'd get angry again and hit her.

My heart goes out to you and your friend. I hope it works out in the end.

Answer 6

I was in an abusive relationship for 14 years. He blamed me. I believed it was my fault for years. He was a master manipulator and basically brainwashed me. Thank GOD I finally saw the light! Only because my workmates at Wal-Mart all liked me, I got along with everyone and was always happy at work. Made me start to wonder why home was so sad and scary if I was as bad as he said....why did everyone I worked with love me?
I don't know if you can help her or not. Depends on how psychologically distorted she is right now. Abusers usually break down the mind and spirit first, then the body.
The BEST thing you can do is tell her that you care so much for her friendship that if she EVER needs a place to stay she has that with you.
Having somewhere to go to and someone to turn to, even temporarily, could make the difference for her.
Also, you might be sneaky and bring up some news topic about local crime, shootings, whatever and say "man, home is the only place your safe lately." Watch her facial expression. Does she agree with you? That could be your "natural" opening to the topic.

Answer 7

Buzz
What you have to remember is this, how will you sleep at the end of the day?

What I mean is, the decision you make is the one you have to live with. If you ignore the situation, things will not get better for her and they will eventually get worse. You know that as well as I do. I can never understand how women stay with men like that, but they do.

If you confront him, you will be sitting in jail and he will be free to beat her without you to stop it. Perhaps you should look for an alternative method? Perhaps you could take the woman or talk her in to speaking with a clergy man or woman. Find someone she will feel comfortable speaking to and have her meet with them. Maybe they will help her see that things are not right in her home.

I wish I had a magic answer for you, but unfortunately I don't. Speak with her and see if you can get her to go to some type of therapy with some type of trained professional.

Good Luck to you and her.

Answer 8

Great answers have already been given, and here's my two cents to reinforce:

The number one priority is for your friend to GET OUT!! The person she is living with does not need an explanation, or anything else. Help her grab a few changes of clothes, all of her important documents (check book, social security card, birth certificate, etc), and other things she absolutely needs that can't easily be replaced. Call off work to do this if neccesary; do this while her husband is out. If this can't be coordinated, call the police, explain the situation, and ask for a police escort. She's going to need a place to stay, and my guess is that since she's in an abusive relationship, the jerk she's married to controls all finances and she probably doesn't have any money, so please help her find a safe place to stay, if you can't offer her space in your own home. So please, focus on GETTING HER OUT!! There's no time for preparation, just get her out!!
Please let us know what happens? Feel free to email.

Answer 9

Please contact "Between Friends" (formerly Friends of Battered Women and their Families) at their 24 hour crisis hotline at 1-800-603-HELP (4357) or look at their web site: http://www.betweenfriendschicago.org/

OR

Please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline at 1-800-799-SAFE or visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) for help: http://www.ncadv.org/

Here's NCADV's state by state list of web addresses and emails of state domestic violence contacts:
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html

Here's NCADV's list of contacts for help within each state (the state links are listed on the right side of the web page):
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/Statistics_221.html

Here's some facts you can share with your friend:

Domestic violence is a repeated pattern of mental, physical, emotional or sexual abuse where one partner makes the other partner feel scared, weak, isolated, hurt, or sad.

*Abusive relationships are about power and control, not love

*Abuse is not the victim's fault. Nothing a person does deserves or justifies abuse.

*When someone hits or yells at someone else, that is a choice they make. No person or circumstance can make someone attack his or her partner verbally or physically.
Know that abuse is a crime. An Order of Protection is a court order, issued by a judge, which requires the abusive partner not to abuse, harass or stalk the victim, the victim's children or certain "other" people.

==>Please continue acting on behalf of your friend, but be sure to keep yourself safe-we don't want to have *two* victims.

Good luck!!

Answer 10

It sounds like you have already taken the high ground by remaining her friend. By all means be there for her. You are lucky that her husband allows you to be her friend. In most cases like this, the abuser will not allow the victim to have friends, so this is at least one positive aspect of the dire situation. Just keep seeing her and if things escalate she will need to get out pronto. This is so sad but occurs far too frequently in our society. It is usually the female who is the victim but increasingly men are becoming victims also.