After 20 years my husband isn't into sex... Why?

Question

We've been marred for 20 years. In the beginning we had sex a lot. Kids came and I was tired when he wanted it. Now I want it often and barely get it 1x every month or so & it leaving me dissappointed. We married young & had no sexual experience.I used to think I was satisfied with it until recently. It felt good but I never had an orgasm. I started feeling like there was more to it. Sex for us is basically 5 minutes or less depending on when he climaxes. Then he is done regardless. (I think there's a prob & hes embarrassed. wont see dr) I am so let down now and want more. I tried to explain this to him I need more. foreplay/pleasuring me using hands/fingers/mouth. He tried different positions but he won't do the the extras. We've never done oral sex. We both used to think it was gross.Now I'm thinking of it as something new & exciting. I feel like I'm missing so much sexually since it's one sided. We have kids & no sitter so we can't go to a hotel. What can I do?

Adding...I know my dh isn't cheating. He basically goes to work and home to spend time with us. He is stressed due to work overload. To destress, he spends way to much time playing an online game with my daughter. I did do the changesf.. he at first loved the clean shave but its no big deal now. And he could care less for me wearing something sexy. says its a waste of money. I have tried to pleasure myself with a toy but its really hard to make it enjoyable. I'd rather have the real thing or toy and the real thing. And how does one do a BJ correctly??? We do not have family around so no where to leave children and friends shy away since 1 is autistic and requires extra care.

Answer 1

he should do oral,i do he is self centered u dont say r u a fat woman this is a turn off for many men if so lose weight quick men r visual if u dont like what u see u will not work properly do exercise together drink vitamins try to get family member to baby sit at least 1 a month. this is y women get friends with benefits he should know this with oral u will explode in less than 5 min let me know....lol

Answer 2

I sooooooo totally understand you here. We've been married 16 yrs. and have 2 kids. No babysitters either. When we first were married, we didn't know about anything other than do IT, the man is satisfied and it's over!!! That's all we ever did!! Of course he was satisfied, but I wasn't. We had 2 kids very quickly, I got fat, tired, and exhausted. I was on Depo Provera birth control to make sure we didn't have anymore kids, and it made me gain more weight , be tired and NO sex drive at all. We went through only doing it once a month or so, just to please him. He spent lots of time alone, while I went to bed. He'd use porn and please himself. I was depressed. It was a horrible few years. Then, by accident, I missed my appt. and didn't get my bc shot......I have never felt better, and had more sex drive in my life!!!!!

Well, I just started wanting to do it and do it, but guess what? He's had so many years of me rejecting him that he started out not caring if I wanted to or not. He was hurt, even though it wasn't my fault, it was the meds. Well, after a few weeks, he started getting into it and we watched some "movies" together and started trying what was on the movies. Pleasing each other in many different ways than just intercourse. I had orgasms before by masturbating, but now from him doing it. He finally came around and responded and we have had the best sex life ever!! Movies help alot. Watch one and (don't be embarrassed, rent it or buy one, you won't be disappointed). It will give you lots of tips on how and what to do to add excitement. I'm not saying base your whole relationship on a porn movie, I'm saying use it for tips on the "how to's". Oral sex is not gross. Yes, it's new and exciting!!! It's something we hadn't done and it feels like we are newlyweds. We never do it the old boring way. We try new things all the time.

You two need to go into your room alone and lock the door. You need alone time. Do it at night when the kids are asleep. Don't feel guilty. You need this time alone.

It may take your hubby time to come around and get into it like it did my hubby. But once he knows what he's in for, he will be willing!!!

I prefer my husband use his fingers for my g spot orgasm. He can be much more forceful and hit the spot better.

Anyway, don't give up on him. Try to seduce him, and really, there's no wrong way to do oral, just start in and do it and he won't complain!!!

Answer 3

How's his business traveling?

Can you account every hour where he is?
You know his work buddies on a personal basis? Did you and now they are shying away?

5 mins and poof? sounds like depression or he's flinging whether its the $50.00 kind or other.

Kids and no sitter says A LOT
that means you have had no breaks. Kids were young, slept better more reliable to do something without people catching on. Assuming you have teens maybe a tween at home probably unreliable and high maitence as well... Not your fault, but if say the kids are between 5-20 then its just hard... If they are old enough to be on their own, kick them out of nest with a packed lunch and send them off before they leech the life out of your husband... You husband loves the kids and you but the kids and the constant hovering needed at home is dire need of a break. Hubby would like grown up time. I guarantee it.
Talk to him, and talk often. When he talks listen REALLY LISTEN especially when he talks about the kids and the house life and you may catch a glimpse of how he is feeling.
I know it drifts away from the bedroom issue but discontent can reflect there as well.
So any way what can you do? Talk, dont nag and LISTEN when he talks. Go from there and Good Luck.

Answer 4

We have four kids and it's rare that we can find a sitter to take them all. That seems to be the least of your problems. The reason you had sex a lot in the beginning was because he was in his sexual prime in his 20's. Now, you are in yours. It makes you wonder if the universe does this to cause problems? (lol) This is a common problem for women our age. I know when I hit my early thirty's I noticed that I wanted sex constantly. My husband was usually there for me but there were times when he was really tired so I cut him a little slack. He and I talked about the mismatched prime thing. I got him to understand that I was there for him and he needed to get on a good vitamin plan and be there for me as well! He did and now, his level has actually kicked up a notch and for the first time we're pretty balanced. Yay! You have another problem with the "sex was usually 5 min" thing. YIKES. If you truly think that it's a medical problem, he should be seen. I'm sure he'd be mortified but he needs to understand that problems like these are common and there are plenty of fixes out there. There are ways to prolong an erection naturally. You can research these things on line and give them a try too. There are plenty of ways to spice up things in the bedroom and get him a little more on your wave. Porn is always an option (although many women on here have major issues with it) This might get his mind around trying new things. Relaxing at night with him, giving him what you want in return might be a good way to get things moving too. Remember the golden rule, it applies in sex too. I hope this helps a little! Good luck :)

Answer 5

Hi...I would recommend that you try some Viagara for him. Viagara increases staying power and all. To help destress him, start your love session with a sensual massage.
Oral sex is stupidly easy. You don't have to be a deepthroat artist or anything...it is as easy as eating ice cream....just put your mouth around the head and suck...get your tongue going...suck down a little further...simple as that. Work it with your hand while you suck. Think of it as a lollipop...same principle. It is stupidly easy. I am surprised you haven't tried it before. Just take a shower or bathe first, that's all.
Your husband's head is not into sex, otherwise he would get excited by your sexy outfits. The two of you should watch some porn together...not that stupid Hollywood porn though, you know with porno queens and all. You need some amateur stuff, some underground stuff, real people having real sex. Go together to an adult video store and pick some out. Watch a movie together in the booth. Go shopping together for sex toys and lubes. You need to increase your sexual activity in general.

Answer 6

Your putting to much pressure on sex sex is suppose to be joint enjoyable. If he thinks you don't like it well he is not going to want to do it too you. Pray that God will give you wisdom to restore your sexual relationship it is very important it was designed to bring marriage couple close together as one unit. A lot of time because women are not patient with the man during sex you say things that you are know regreting because you have hurt his feelings. Do you have any friend are family that you could take the children to for a couple of hours. Sex toys hepl when you both are very inexperienced and don't like to do certain things. You need to stop talking and start doing. Marriage is a constant job so it is time for you to both really working on your first job. The years have passed and ofcourse things will never be like the start so get out of fantasy land and stop listening to those busy bodie woen you are talking to. Talk sex to your man not what he don't want to hear build him back up because you are the reason he is torn down with facial expression after he does it quick and you got nothing comments you have made. What if he started saying your food taste like dog **** or you are a monster most of the time I see you are your body looks like a warus skin. you would be devestated and never want him to see you nake again etc. Step back and reevaluate the situation. Listen to positive and wise people. Be blessed Sorry if I have offended you I usually do

Answer 7

I would pay attention to little things. Make more of an attempt at detailed grooming. Make sure certain areas are clean and shaved and fragrant. Lose weight if necessary. Do things that make him feel more like a man. After all men are still instinctually hunter/gaterers and need to have egos stroked as well as other parts of our bodies. Be suggestive. Leave dirty notes or text messages so he has good thoughts during the day. Inject more romance. Its hard at times but you both must try.

Answer 8

Somethings come to mind when you say you only have sex 1x every month. He is getting it somewhere else. Men are always thinking of sex and they get blue balls if they don't use it! So talk to him.
Have you tired sexy bars and panties?
Try giving him a BJ
Try giving him a whole body massage with heating lotion.
Plan a romantic night in the bedroom after the kids are in bed.

Answer 9

You need to go and rent a couple of adult movies, one's with stories to them (as they are at least) you can surf online there are sites where other couples list their favorites.

I think if both of you set some sexy time aside to watch these it will open both of your eyes, and you will see lots of oral sex and different positions.

Also the "lovers guide to sexual positions" may be a good movie for you they run through lots of different things.

Answer 10

wow 20 years. It doesn't sound like he may change his mind. I have the same problem with mine. Mine doesn't show signs of wanting to change. I guess you and I. Will end up divorced or cheating on our husbands. Personally I will not feel guilty. The way I see it. It would be his fault. If men use that excuse when they cheat. Why can't we. If it were the other way around I think they would cheat on us. And blame us for not giving them what they need or want. Now it's up to fate to wait and see what happens. Good luck. I'll put this site just in case you can get you hubby to change.
http://www.howtoseduceaman.com
I myself don't use the ideas with mine. I have lost interest in trying to change him.