Is it me, or is my friend incredibly selfish?

Question

I have a friend that I've known for 15 years. I had always thought that we were close, but over the last few years I've been having my doubts about her. The final straw happened a couple of weeks ago. My partner's mum died of cancer in January and we decided to run a 10K race for a cancer charity in her memory. When I asked my friend if she would sponsor us, she said 'No, I've already been stung for that race by someone at work.' In other words, she sponsored some other runner - which is great! - but as a result she wasn't going to give me a penny. She is very well off, in fact she bought a sports car only two months ago. She knows why we were running the race, that it was very personal for us. Is she a selfish *****? I never want to see her again. Am I over-reacting?

Answer 1

1) She was already a sponsor, so she was contributing, 2) you don't know how much she was ultimately going to be contributing, what she pledged to give per K run, so it could have been a great deal, 3) it's her money to do with as she pleases, so the fact that she was giving any of it away makes her charitable.

That she wasn't doing as much as you felt she should be doing and/or that she wasn't doing it for you personally is your problem, not hers. Yes, you are overreacting. Why is for you to figure out. Perhaps you simply want to have cause to end your friendship with her.

Answer 2

Yes, you are over reacting. Just because you feel running the race lifts your spirits because you are doing something for a good cause, doesn't mean she has to feel the same way. Since it was your partners mum, it hit you close to home. She may like your partner well enough and may even have been fond of her mom, but it wasn't as personal a tragedy for her. You are overly sensitive to the fact that she will spend money on a car (which benefits her), but wouldn't shell out money to you for a cause you believe in. You say she already was sponsoring someone else, how do you know how much she donated? Buying a car doesn't necessarily make a person rich, most cars are leased or financed. Looks can be deceiving. Maybe she gave as much as she could to her co-worker. Be glad she sponsored someone and don't hold it against her for not sponsoring you too. To me that would be selfish on your part.

Answer 3

I can empathize with you. However, one very helpful thing I have learned in life is this: Anytime you ask a question, "no" is an appropriate response. This lady was not willing to do it and as much as that hurt you, sweetie, that's her right. She has the right to determine how she spends her money. Now, look, something has kept you friends for 15 years. What was it? That's were you need to focus.

I had a friend desert me after 50 years of friendship. She moved, never sent a forwarding address, never gave me her phone number. I don't know why she did this. However, after 3 years one day she called me. She needed a friend. I never asked her why she left because she is a proud woman and it had to be embarrassing to need me and kind of crawl back.
She was a good friend and we were little girls together. People can do some strange things when they are under pressure and some don't share it but suffer inside. I have
have mentioned one word to her so she could keep her self-respect. Instead, I remembered all the laughter and why we were friends. It worked and the imporant thing to me was she
came back to the relationship.

You know, the older I get, the more I realize that everyone has their own cross to bare. We cannot walk in their moccasions
and the best life strategy I have found is never judge anyone.

I do think you are over-reacting if this is the ONLY thing that she's done that YOU FEEL is wrong. You cannot go know what her inner life is like at this time. Who knows she could be in some personal crisis and not be talking about it.

I think that the best thing for you to do is make a list of why you have been friends for 15 years and weigh that against this event.

Sometimes others to not see our hurts the way we do just like we don't see theirs. Some times they handle and process grief in different ways, have different values, etc.

Would you like someone else to decide how you spend YOUR money?

Please think about the reasons why you are friends. If she is truly a lousey friend this can be a wake-up call to make better friends, perhaps, who have more similar values to you.

My condolances on your loss. May the departed RIP. Best of luck to you and your partner as you go down to life's path. Life is too short to hold a grudge. God bless.

Answer 4

Sounds more like a money issue than anything else. But the only way that you can solve that is to sit and chit chat with her, share how you feel about your loss. Money is the root of all evil. Always has been, always will. If you attempt to tap into someones cash there will always be a calculator going... no matter how rich someone is. So don't judge by the dollar, judge by the friendship. Also, after rereading, this is your partner's mother. Ever have friends that just didn't like your other friends? Jealous? Could be that as well, but grasping at straws here.

Answer 5

There may be underlying circumstances you don't know about. Maybe the sports car set her back enough that she doesn't have enough money to sponsor both?

If she truely knew about the race and the donations you would need before she donated to her co-worker, I'd be a little upset with her for not supporting me instead too. But - we're all human and we've all made mistakes. I think it's worth talking to her about and discussing your feelings, but I don't know that I'd completely write her off over this one instance. I'm sure you've made decisions over the course of your 15 year relationship have have made her equally as mad! As I've said, no one's perfect! :)

Answer 6

Yes, I think you're over-reacting. Your friend has already contributed to the cause and feels once is enough. She could have been nicer in the way she told you that she's sponsoring another runner. Look at the big picture, she's helping, just not sponsoring you.

Answer 7

Just because she has a new car doesn't mean she is well off! It means she may have another payment or higher insurance. She should have been more sensitive to how she worded it to you but she gave once maybe thats all she can afford or that is in her budget. Maybe she turned down others too. Yeah your over reacting. She could have been more sensitive but is it worth fighting for when she already donated? If she didn't it would be different.

Answer 8

i do no longer think of an afternoon or 2 or maybe even a week might make any extreme substitute approximately you flunking the examination..it takes multiple time to understand the assumption which ever subject that's...of direction you may know somewhat extra yet as you pronounced in case you have been flunking from the beginning up then you particularly desire some extreme help & besides that may no longer the question right here ! of direction possibly you may have only happened in case you obtain the help from Julia's boyfriend..& it became into easily strange of her to start getting livid..and that i do no longer even think of you have been out of the line as you probably did no longer even bypass to him for help rather you asked her first..and the secret to a great friendship is by no ability get too on the brink of persons ;) save a distance no count how a lot you like her :)

Answer 9

I think you are being a little over sensitive, the death of your mother in law is something that effects your life, not really hers. I think it's great that you organised the race, but I also think that her comment was just made off- handedly, I don't think she was being cruel. My mother died a couple of years ago and when I look back I realise that somethings that offended me around that time was my oversensitivity at a sad time of my life, not because of what people had done or said.

Answer 10

My first reaction is to say that yes your friend is a tad selfish. But when you dig a little deeper it sounds like the reaction of someone who is simply stressed out. You're a probably a very nice person, and expect certain things of others, but we have to remember that generally others are out for themselves, so the fact this lady donated anything at all is a bonus.