I've been having an affair with the same man for over 5 years. Now were ready to take it up to the next level

Question

We both want to leave our partners but are very concerned about how our children will react.

Answer 1

This is a bad situation all around... and the children will be negatively impacted no matter what you do, Separation and divorce is very hard on children by itself without the complication of "someone else" I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do~ just one thing though...this has been going on for 5 years...is it you that wants to go to the next level...whats making you believe that he'd leave his wife and kids? For 5 years he's been having his cake and eating it too, I doubt he's going to want to change that when it comes right down to it....he would have left his wife along time ago otherwise...Be careful about that...married men often tell their mistresses that they'll leave there wife and family and before you know it 10 years have gone by and your still nothing but the other woman~ I know that sounds a little harsh but it does happen so just think EVERYTHING threw before you go and ruin your own family...Is he really that important to you...more importantly do you actually mean that much to him?? 5 years...it doesn't seem so.....

Answer 2

I am not exactly sure what you are looking for here. Unless the children were abused by their father or mother I doubt that they will be thrilled with the idea of having their lives torn apart. There are many factors which will come into play including their ages, their friends, whether you move, who gets custody, will this be an amicable divorce or will it be nasty, etc. Some children blame themselves for parent's divorcing and act out as a result while others take it in stride. You might want to think about what you are going to tell your children about why this is happening and help them understand it is not them or even their father that caused this. In the divorce you probably don't want to attack or place the blame on your current husband, even if it is, or otherwise he could make things very uncomfortable for you and make your children turn against you. So proceed with caution. I hope the new relationship turns out better than the past.

Answer 3

honesty is the best policy...but if you've been having an affair for the last 5 years, i would assume that both the spouses aren't the happiest married people in the world. So, divorce explaining that 'we both know this isnt gonna work, but lets try to keep a healthy relationship for the kids', or be honest about everything. but whatever you do you have to either end the marriage or the affair. Time stops for no one. Don't you think all four people in this love circle deserve to be happy? Speaking from experience: as far as the kids are concerned.....they'll understand when they get older. in the meantime do what you have to do to try to provide the healthiest and happiest life for EVERYONE invovlved including the kids. But one of the relationships need to end ASAP!

Answer 4

I'm not going to be very popular here, but I been in the same boat with you. The difference is that I have had 3-4 affairs with other women. Not really sure you can call is affairs, as they were really one night stands or two night stands. I'm sure your marriage situation is very sticky and since I been in your shoes, I understand. I don't condone cheating, but at the same time, if your not getting your needs met out of the marriage, then what are you suppose to do. I wish you good luck. Just be careful in whatever you choose.

Answer 5

Well I'm sorry to hear about your dilemna. It sounds as though you're optimistic about your relationship. But in situations like this there's no sure answer. Yes I believe your children and his will be hurt. Of course sometimes children feel the pain of divorce more than their parents..because their lives are disrupted. When there's cheating there's no way to tell if even you can trust the man you've been cheating with. He may decide to back out at the last minute..he's used to eating his cake and having you too. In this situation someone will most defintely be hurt..I just hope the kids can recover speedily if you two do get together.

Answer 6

I don't even know what to say. Just sounds like a bad situation all around. When my parents divorced, I was upset, and it would have only been worse had I known one of them was leaving to be with someone they've been cheating with for several years. But at the same time, do you really want continue committing adultry? Does your husband know about your affair? Have you tried to resolve the problems in your marriage? (Obviously there are some if you've been cheating on him for 5 years and now contemplating leaving for this other man.)

And - one bit of advice. The man you're having an affair with now...you mention he's married. What makes you think that once y'all are married he won't cheat on you with someone else? Guess he's gotta ask himself the same question about you though. :(

Answer 7

If you have already made up your mind about leaving your husband, go ahead and tell him. But don't tell the kids that you already have another person. About six months after you leave, you can tell the children that you just met someone and start introducing your partner to them. He can do the same with his children. That way the children will be hurt less but they will be hurt regardless.
Good luck.

Answer 8

Let me get this right, you have been having an affair for five years. Some how you think because it is withthe same person that makes a difference. Basically you have been living a lie for five years and now you want everyone to be okay with it.

GOOD LUCK with that one.

Answer 9

you need to be honest with your spouse, first. this was a very selfish and unfair thing to do, especially for so long.

i understand about falling in love with someone else but you really should have done the right thing long ago. you made choices for your kids and your spouse without even giving them a chance to tell you how they felt. that is terribly unfair.

for five years you have been living a lie and i assure you, your spouse and kids are not going to be happy about that.

i suggest you take a little time and think about what you really want to do and do it. but if you are going to end your marriage and start a new life with someone else, you better be prepared to be honest with everyone involved to help them heal from this.

best of luck

Answer 10

You should have thought about the kids before you had them or the affair whichever you started first. And after 5 yrs why the next level? You were having your cake and eat it to. That's just wrong,, does his wife or your husband know about it?