Im in a relationship with a divorced guy who has kids and he wants to be with them every weekend?

Question

hello guys,
I need your advice. Im in a relationship with a guy and he is divorced and has two kids age 11 and 13. He lives in teh UK, I live in Europe. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me, but something feels wrong. When he called me last night I told him that I want him and me to be together in the weekend too, so I suggested one weekend with me and then the other weekend with his children ( he sees his kids in the weekend) he said he doesnt want to not see his kids for more then 1 week, he wants to see them every week. but then that means he doensnt want to invest time in us and be with me also. I told him I dont want a relationship with someone who wants it his way or the highway and who is unwilling to compromise... was I being fair? or am i being too hard? please help

I dont see him in the weekend thats the point! I live in Holland and he in London... I dont feel its unfair to want him to be with me one weekend and then the next with his kids, especially since he told me he wants to buy a house with me in Holland and have children of our own too..he has to invest time in me and him

I meant I dont see him during the WEEK

sorry about that typo...

I know he is a good father, but I want to get on with my life too, Im 32 now... he has been saying he wants to live with me and buy a house together and get a transfer to Holland for his job, but its all talk, how do I know he is serious then? If he worked in Holland we could be together during the week and then he could visit his kids in the weekend, but now I hardly ever see him, at the most once every two months

Answer 1

I was involved with a divorced guy with 1 kid a few years ago.... it caused me NOTHING but heartache. His kid came first in EVERYTHING. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that a parent needs their child and visa versa. But it caused to many problems in our relationship. I don't think you were being unfair to him or too hard. But the his kids probably will always take preference, that is what parenthood is all about For me it was a nightmare and I am glad it is over now.

Answer 2

Having gone through something very similar I advice you to break off this relationship. Unless he is willing to be in a 50/50 relationship.

First of all you are the one having it hard because aside that you don't see him weekdays he has to spend time with his kids on the weekends. His plan of buying a house in Holland and starting a life with you there does not make sense at all.

First because right now he is in London and doesn't want to separate from the children on weekends and second because he wants to move to Holland and still travel weekly to see them.
Why is he even considering this possibility? I think he is hiding something and sees you are comfortable as this relationship is, that is why things will always go his way. He seems to be a selfish person and maybe that is one of the reasons he is divorced.

Think always that he might have another woman not just you. That is why his plan is to keep you away from london and the children instead of being the other way around.
Men are extremely cautious and smart pants when it comes to relationships. If you let him lead all the way you will never be value in this relationship.

Consider the possibility of moving to London, that way he is close to the children but still spends time with you, instead of flying back and forth. After all if he really wants to be with you for the rest of your lives he should definitely integrate you as his partner to the children.
Maybe some of this weekends he can care more and fly you out to London and spend some quality time altogether.

Dump him otherwise. You deserve better.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

I guess you have to get in his shoes and try to feel like he does about this. Has the guy come from a full time living arrangement with the ex and kids? If so, it'd be a big change to go from that to once a fortnight. I'm in a similar situation, but the days we have my guys kids (4 and 1 year old) vary - and we are both shift workers - so weekends don't bother me, we just work it in around work.
Instead of approaching in a way that makes the guy feel he must chose over you or his kids - can't you just all be together on the weekend. At least then you're a part of it all and won't feel left out. I know you don't get all of his attention, but you are still together.
True, if I had pre arranged plans with my man, and the ex mrs wanted the kids looked after (unless it was for an emergency) - then my man says we already had plans, and no he can't - and he'll find another time to take them and spend time with them. If your man doesn't value your feelings - then it might be time to send him on his ways. There must always be compromise in any relationship.

Answer 4

I think that maybe you are being a little bit selfish...it must be hard enough to go from seeing your children every day to only seeing them at the weekends, without having to half the amount you see them again.

Besides, even when he sees the kids at the weekends, you're still seeing him four or five days a week, right? So he sees you more than he sees his children and you think he's not putting the effort in?

My advice is, let him see his kids. A man who's dedicated to his children is hard to find, so don't conflict him. As you get to know him, ask if you can meet his children. Maybe you can spend some weekends with him AND his kids, because if you're planning on marrying him it might be good to have his children onside too.

Answer 5

Hi Mary,

I think you are in a very difficult situation. On one hand, I can see your boyfriend's point of view, and it's admirable that he wants to see his children every weekend. My Dad only saw me on Sundays when I was growing up, and half the time he was asleep in bed. So his children are lucky that their Dad loves them.

One thing I'm uncertain of is how often do you get to see him if you live in Europe? (Where in Europe?) How long have you been in a relationship with him?

Has he suggested a way for you to see each other? Does he want you to come and live with him? Or does he want you to come over at the weekend, even though his children will be there?

If you don't see him at all, and the only chance you have to see each other is the weekend, then it's a really tough situation. I don't think that his children would be happy if their dad only saw them every two weeks, and in all honesty he should put his children first.

I think you need to talk about this again, but to be honest I don't think that you should take time away from him and his children. Have you met them? Could you visit every other weekend and get to know them? Could you live together instead of in different countries?

I think you are absolutely right that he should invest some time in your relationship. I'm thinking though that if he says he wants to marry you (without you prompting him), then he must really love you. It's probably really difficult for him to try and balance you and his children.

If there is no chance of either of you moving to be in the same country (or rather, you moving to the UK, as his children are there) I think you might unfortunately have to consider leaving the relationship. When you get involved with a man who has children, you have to accept that his children will take priority and it is quite a big compromise for you to make. You have to decide if you are happy to have a relationship with a man who has children - he has baggage, and you can't have him without his children.

Talk to him again hun. The arrangement you're in can't work - unless it's a short term thing for a few months. His children will be grown up soon and he wants to make the most of seeing them while he can. If you and he are serious about each other, you both need to compromise and to be honest, you need to be living in the same country.

Good luck

xx Emmie

Answer 6

He loves his children very much and at least is trying to be a good father and seeing them every week is all he has so you have to respect that. He is trying his best, at least he wants to see you even when he has his kids. I think you are being a tad selfish but then if you have no children, it is hard to understand the bond he has with them. I think you should try and compromise with him, he is trying his best here. Could you not see him in the week, or are you too far away? If you really want to be with him and all you have are the weekends then just accept his children will be there too. You can still have a good time with him. They are not there to compete with you for his attention!

Answer 7

If he's being honest then I believe he's being a good Dad and can't be criticised. When my parents divorced my Dad left in a cloud of dust and I was lucky to see him twice a year! He should be commended he wants so much contact with them. But I don't think ONE weekend with you is too much to ask as school holidays mean he could make up the time with his kids later.

It could be then, that maybe he has somone else he sees at weekends, it's not unheard of and you've probably already considered this possibility. If you don't trust him then you can't build a true relationship with him. He's already been married, he wants a life of Riley for a while, it sounds like he's committed to his kids AND you in his own way. I think you should make the most of your time together and thank God he's so caring and sensitive that he still wants to be a big part of his kids' lives. His heart is in the right place, he's a gem, a treasure and a rare species in this day & age. Ask yourself about your own intentions and trust issues before criticising him.

Answer 8

The price you pay for getting mixed up with a guy with baggage!.. "isn't that an horrible expression!". But you know you ought to be glad that your guy hasn't abandoned his kids!, a lot do which stores up trouble later in life!. " my dad used to say - any damn fool can make em! - but it takes a man to work and keep em!". Wise words huh?. your man obviously intends seeing his kids as often has he can and you should encourage him to do so even at the expense of your time with him being impinged on.

For those parents who stay in touch with their kids there is a huge bond, I myself can say from experience that seeing the kids is so important!. I know you might think it selfish of him wanting to see the kids at the weekend, but don't! Your man has to come to terms with a different sort of life now!, seeing the kids will help him, while not seeing the kids will cause depression and harm!. .

You are in an invidious position!, You obviously love this man and want to be with him all the time, its an hard life being number two, you just have to be strong ! .

If I were you id just roll with it! and accept what is going on at the moment and enjoy your man weekdays, after all there are 5 days in a week and only 2 in a weekend!.

You get the better deal! ..

Answer 9

You are in a very difficult situation and i think the time to make a decisio is now,his kids will always come first i'm afraid and even if he gives you that other weekend,his mind will be on them,and it is always going to be like that even when you have kids with him,you have to decide whether to get on with the relationship or pull out cos i know another great guy will come your way,if you see him during the week fine but in this case you don't.

Answer 10

You have to understand that this guy's children will always come first. Sorry if that's hard to hear, but its the truth. There must be some other way you can compromise - maybe you could see him one weekend a month? Maybe you could visit him whilst he has his children - if you're in this for the long-term, you'll need to start spending time with them too. You should never put him in the position where he has to choose between you and his children - sorry.....