Please Help - my marriage is on the brink. How do I become a father?

Question

My wife and I are both 32. We are celebrating our 5th anniversary in October. Everything between us is absolutely wonderful except for one issue that has been gnawing at us for the past 2-3 years or so. The problem is babies (simply put: she's ready for 'em, I'm not), and this problem doesn't just gnaw anymore - it is about to bite us in half. For years we've been having the same conversation: she asks what I think about kids, I say that I'm not ready right now, then some time later she asks "how about now?". Repeat We're both sick to death of the same answer that I give: "I'm not ready right now, but one of these days I will be." I don't mean to keep stringing her along, but I don't know what else to do. I DO believe I'll want kids someday, but I don't know when. I love her dearly - can't imagine wanting anything more than her. She said she loves me too, but she wants children more. Please help.

I should clarify a couple things:

1. I'm not looking for any specific answer - this isn't about finding someone to confirm what I already know. This is about getting a slap in the face if that's what I need.

2. We did talk about having kids before we got married. Honestly, I never EVER thought at the time that this is how I'd react to the idea of having children.

2. I definitely know about the medical factors as men and women get older, and it tears me up inside knowing that I'm putting her at risk this way.

Not to sound melodramatic, but I don't think I can adequately explain how guilty I feel about this whole situation. I don't need to know what being a father will be like before I do it; that's an impossibility anyway. I do want to know that I'm ready to find out what being a father will be like before I do it. At least, it has felt that way for the past few years.

Thank you all for the help so far. I'm going to try to find a good counselor/therapist for my wife and I to talk to. I can't put my finger on why I don't want children right now, and I sure as hell don't have an answer to why I've been stuck on that infinite repeat. Guess that's what the therapist will help us figure out, hopefully before its too late. If anyone has any tips on how to figure out why someone might feel this way, please let me know. Thanks again.

Answer 1

Your wife probably feels like time is running out. Pregnancy in women over 35 is generally considered high risk. However, having a child just to try to save your marriage won't work. If you aren't ready, and she can't accept that, she needs to determine what is more important to her. Please don't impregnate her just to get her to stay with you. Ultimately, you'll end up resenting being trapped into the relationship, and the child will suffer.

Answer 2

My first thought is why didn't you discuss this before you got married and try to come to an agreement? But that's a moot point now, just want others to give that some thought.

My main concern is how long do you expect her to wait? She can only have children within a certain amount of time and many women start going through the change in their early 30s, plus the older she is, the more dangerous it can be for her and the more likely the child could be born with a birth defect.

You need to sit down and do some serious thinking about why you are putting this off. Sounds like there is some underlying problem holding you back.

My SIL didn't really want children but my brother did and he was so good with nieces and nephews and she could tell he longed for a child. She finally got pregnant after 9 years of marriage (she married at 16) and they had a son which they both doted on but especially my brother who adored him.

She didn't want another baby right away but did want to have a second child so about 3 yrs later, she got pregnant but miscarried. About a year later, same thing happened. Then it happened again a few months later.

The doctors wouldn't do anything until she had had 3 miscarriages but she was very upset because each miscarriage was so devastating to her. They discovered she had started going through the change in her late 20s. Her mother and sisters had all started going through the change in their early 30s so she expected her problem would show up then, not in her 20s.

They discovered she didn't have enough testosterone in her system to carry a child so she had to go through hormone therapy and she had their daughter when she was 32, 7 years after their son. She was actually sorry she didn't go ahead and have children sooner rather than later, especially after running into all those problems.

Your wife may not have problems like that but why take the chance. Get some counseling and try to figure out why this bothers you so much. Once you get that child in your arms, you are going to wonder why you waited so long.

BTW, I know the heartache and the desire to have children. I always wanted 5 but ended up not having any. Don't live with regrets later when it's something you can do something about now.

Answer 3

There is one important fact you have to remember with women is that they have a clock and at 32 she really doesn't have much longer to have children and guarantee they will be healthy.

Also, did you know she wanted children when you married her? If so you are not being fair to her....you have stayed married to her for 5 years telling her you will be ready, yet you keep giving her the same answer that you aren't ready yet. This isn't fair to her....because she has been childless longer than she would like to be. I think you either need to let her go so she can move on or you need to go ahead and give her what she wants who knows for you it just may take the baby being here for you to be ready for it.

My old boss never wanted children....he met his wife and she wanted kids and he knew that. He finally put her off as long as he could, she was either going to leave him or they were going to have a baby. (she was 34). He didn't want her to leave and he felt obligated to give her a baby since he knew going into the marriage she wanted children (they were married 9 years before they had a baby). Now they have a 2 year old daughter and he couldn't be happier and they are expecting another. He tells me all the time that it was the best decision he ever made because now he still has his wife and she is happy.

Answer 4

Please realize, that you either do not want kids or you do. You really seem to be writing, I want kids, but I am so damn scared! Is that right?

You need to go ahead and do it. After all, your wife is not getting any younger and could possibly have problems as she gets older as a first time mom. Also, I am sure you would be breaching a promise to her, cause, Man, you will never be READY to have kids---admit it--your scared.

It is OK to admit it and now, deal with it.

I speak so bluntly because, I waited and at the tender age of 22, God took that ability from me. I had been married two years and my husband was really wanting kids very badly. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE MAY BRING. You also need to put your wife's desire over yours. She has been waiting patiently for your approval and you need to give it while you two are young enough to enjoy the experience. At this rate, if she had a baby at 33, you two would be 51 when the child graduates from high school, 55 when college if completed. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE 57-60 AND JUST GETTING AN EMPTY NEST?

The only one that can help you is YOU. HELP YOURSELF TO LIVING UP TO YOUR PROMISES...GO ON DADDY!

Answer 5

Tough question... I can see both sides. I have 2 children, and I am 32 also. My husband and I had been married 7 years before we had our first. It took us 7 years before we both could agree on children. I love my kids very much, but it is a lot of work. I remembered I cried when I found out I was pregnant with my first, and even though I wanted children, and I loved my husband dearly, I cried because I thought "I am attached to this man forever", I thought "yesterday I could have walked away from this marriage with no strings attached, but now I will always have to see him". Don't get me wrong... I love my husband, but kids are a lifetime commitment that require a lot of work, effort, and time... It is a hard decision to make, and I personally would wait until I was ready, because it is a lifetime commitment for both of you. But I love my children so much, and all of the work, effort, and time is very rewarding in the end. I could not imagine going through life without having them, but if I was not ready, I would wait.

Answer 6

well here is the issue... men can produce children any day and women can't I am not saying that she won't be able to have children now but if she waits too much longer there can be a lot of complications not only for your wife but also for your child. If you love her you need to research and understand where she is comming from and what you may put her through and your child if you wait. I think they say after 34 or 35 that it is a high risk pregnancy even if she is healthy as an ox. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Step 1:
Talk to eachother in front of a mediator - this should resolve that conflict of the "both sick to death of the same answer"
-state each side as clearly as possible and DON'T get upset - stay calm.

Step 2: listen to your spouse - hear her out and try to put yourself in her shoes. Why would your spouse want a child? - the answer would probably be that she wants to be a mom (but you are still the breadwinner), so, again, talk it out slowly, clearly , and effectively.

Step3: comprimise : is adopting an option? can the Mom-to-be make some more money to provide for the future family? can you solve your problems before they happen?
(just some things to consider when comprimising)

Step4: get an outside opinion - whether that be from a counselor , friend, family (both sides perhaps)

Step5 : Keep everything calm - crying /getting angry doesn't help matters (and neither does blaming) - don't attack eachother... attack the situation together!

Answer 8

I think if you're going to have kids, you better get with it. Her biological clock is ticking. The older she is when she gets pg the higher the risks for her and the baby.

The longer you wait the older you will be when they finally grow up and move out on their own.

If you don't want children, maybe you need to sit down and figure out why you don't want them. I think you have a lot of fear about being a father. It is a tough job. But the rewards of having your children around you is priceless. Then when the grandchildren are born it gets even better. But if you don't have any children you are alone in your old age and you have no one to leave your life's gains too. Your blood line stops with you. Your family name stops with you. Having children gives you even more people to love and be loved by.
Besides your wife should be very important to you and what she desires you should give her if it is in your power. Give her children!!!!

Answer 9

Suck it up buddy and have a child.You are getting too old to wait much longer and be physically capable of raising more. Don't risk losing her simply because you are not ready. If it were understood between you both that you never wanted kids before you got married then I would understand that decision and support you not wanting any quite yet. Since you said you would one day want them you wife is eager to get after it and will hound you through a divorce over it. Good luck and do the right thing!

Answer 10

What would you do if you found out tomorrow that she is unexpectedly pregnant? What runs through your mind? Is it finacial reasons? Health?

Make a list of what you think you will need to do to feel prepared. Then attack it one by one. Share this list with your wife.

To be honest - no one is really ready to have a baby. It is demanding, overwhelming, and at times frustrating. But the rewards are so great...it's unexplainable.

Maybe ask your wife WHY does she want one so bad. Why is it so important to her right now.

And I agree, get a mediator or whatever.

Good luck and I wish you the best.