everyone please answer this and please do it seriously?

Question

one week ago my wife and i got into a fight and we have two children a 3 and a half year old and a 4 month old. in the fight she started throwing things and cussing at me and basically freaking out. the next morning before i went to work i found a note apologizing for the actions taken the night before. when all of this commotion was going on my son the 3 1/2 year old was saying mommy is mad at you. now one week later i was watching a pixar short film with no spouses and no arguing in them but with the plot someone was angry and my son said "their mommy is going to be mad at the daddy". i expressed my concern with him saying this and my wife said "well i haven't done anything to you today to make him think that way so it's not my problem." i am going to post this question and let her review the responses so i would like some serious but not malicious responses so maybe she might see from my perspective or perhaps i could find some ways to better handle the situation. thanks all!

Answer 1

This may tick you off, and it may tick your wife off, but you asked for thoughts on it. I am not trying to be malicious. I am giving you some sage advice from someone that was in your situation once upon a time.
Both your wife and your son told you the truth as they saw it. Your wife stated that she hadn't done anything to you today that would make him think that way. She is correct. She also apologized for what happened a week ago. For that you should forgive and FORGET. Don't start running no tally sheet on who did what to who or you are going to ruin your marriage, your kids lives, and your own. IT is not a matter of who is right and who is wrong, or who wins. It is a matter of your child thinking what he did at that moment.
Both you and your wife need to take responsibility for your actions. I'm not saying not to disagree around your kids, but remember this the both of you. The behavior you exhibit to one another is just exactly how they will treat, and expect to be treated, when they get into any relationship. Little ones like your children can literally feel the emotional tension in any environment because it is all new to them. You are their role models, and their parents. Be both. Love one another, do not harm one another. Don't throw stuff when you are angry, what if you hit one of the kids? Someone will go to jail over that, child protective services will get involved, and then everything will come crashing down on you both.
Respect one another's opinions. Neither one of you have to agree with the other one on any given subject, or all subjects for that matter. That is what makes us individuals.

As far as the situation at hand. Both of you need to sit down with your toddler and explain in toddler terms about forgiveness. Explain that people get mad sometimes and that is okay. Explain that just because you get mad, it does NOT make it okay to hurt someone else either through words, throwing stuff, or hitting.
Explain that Mommy got mad at you Dad because you both were really upset at one another, but she apologized and you forgave her.
Lastly, the most humiliating thing you can do to your wife is take your dirty laundry into public. You just violated her trust to prove you were right and she was wrong.
If you fight with one another to the point of punching each other's buttons so bad that you throw things at each other, you need professional counseling NOW.
You both were wrong for doing what you have done last week and what you both just did in the present situation. Both of you just taught a very bad, bad lesson to your toddler about responsibility.

Chase each other's hearts, not your own pride. Only through loving one another unconditionally, forgiving without the other having to ask for it, can you make this work.

FAMILY=Father and Mother I Love You. It is a team thing, not an I thing. No big I, Little U. No, I won, you lose. You will either have to win together or you are going to lose the most precious things in your lives; Your children and each other.

Answer 2

First things first! It's wonderful that you are in tune w/your child as a father, because many are not that responsive. Now, on to the wife! "It's not my problem" is totally unacceptable, she should at least be appreciative that you are on top of the matter and frankly sounds like she may be taking you and your concerns for granted. The note the next day was nice and everything, but many abusive people have that pattern, and even the grandiose pattern of pseudo forgiveness. Clearly, both of you need to agree to do this sort of thing out of ear shot of the children, however since it did happen and there is a note, use it, allow your child to read along with you and this will carry the process of healing and understanding the event for the child. Just keep it real! Family matters must have the family fortress of unity, so tell the wifey to step it up, for the family! Time and effort will show if she really appreciates what she has and also how she spurs or hinders the growth of it. All the best, and remember shush in the presence of the children, their developing, and you are already _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ed?
Time will tell!

Answer 3

First of all, she's an adult. She is acting like a child throwing things and losing control. No matter what occured to make her this angry or how angry someone gets, they should never get out of control. There needs to be some serious actions to keep her from losing control in tough situations. Counseling may be a good start. Maybe some anger management courses should be taken as well. I think it is sad that women (I'm a woman myself, with respect for my husband) find this okay behavior. I doubt she would act that way around her boss. I think it's really ashamed that you would treat your boss better than your husband.
Secondly, no matter how angry either one of your gets at each other, the child should never be a witness to any arguing and fighting. One thing I am very thankful of growing up is my parents NEVER fought in front of us. I know people have arguments and disagreements, but growing up, I NEVER, not even once, saw it. They were adult enough to wait until the appropriate time and talk about it behind closed doors. I would really think about the children before losing my temper. You don't want your kids to grow up and think this is appropriate behavior. They need to learn respect and discipline. I am very proud that I learned this from my parents. I have been with my husband for 5 years and we've had arguements and disagreements, but not once have we raised our voices to each other. It doesn't get you anywhere, only talking will resolve it. Yelling and screaming is just a fast way to release frustration but that's when we tend to say things we don't mean. Stay calm and talk it over before getting to that point.
I know that this may not be a normal occurrence, if it wasn't, I hope these points are taking into consideration so that it doesn't happen again. If it is a normal occurrence then the counseling and anger management needs to happen ASAP!

Answer 4

Well, first off, let me say that I have been married 35 yrs. and I have grown daughters and grandchildren. I will answer this based upon my experience.

It is never a good thing to speak badly in front of the children. You may not think so but, even the four month old can sense when things are tense.

As for the three year old son, you can bet the cussing and harsh words made an impression about Mommies and Daddies! He proved that when he saw the angry person, in the show. I am sure this is not what you intend to teach him about parents. About relationships and so on.

He experienced the "violence" as well. Anytime you start throwing items, in anger, that is a form of violence if you throw them at another. It says to the child that this is okay to do with others, you love! It's not!

These first few years of life are formative years. Everything they hear and see they record. This helps to form their personality. So words and behaviors are much more important during the early years.

I know that it is easy to get frustrated and angry at times. We all do as we are human! There's nothing wrong with this! What can make it wrong is by how we choose to "vent" these feelings and emotions.

I hope this has helped. I wish you both happiness as well as the children.

Answer 5

Children are our barometers of our homelife if they are happy and well adjusted it shows, if they are not then this shows in several different ways and levels. One of these is the relating of what happened at home to another situation such as the one you described.
Unfortunately children do not recover from or forget violence in the home whether they eye witness it or are behind closed doors.
Since your baby is only 4 months old it could be part of Post-Natal Depression and needs to be checked out. If this is not the case then I have a feeling your wife may see this behaviour as 'normal' within marriage whilst you recognise it isn't.
Counselling is required for you both so that you and your children feel physically and emotionally safe. And that the children do not grow up with fear and that violence within the home and marriage is right and normal.
The fact she was sorry the next morning indicates she has recognised her behaviour was out of control and is a form of 'cry for help'. looking after a 3 1/2 year old and a 4 month old baby is pretty much running all day to get things done. So your wife may have reached the end of her tether and just exploded.
Counselling is a good way to go to improve things for you all and having happy children is the main goal of all good parents.
Best wishes to you all.

Answer 6

I took I psychology course and there I've learned that children 6 years or younger are like a sponge they learn everything they see and hear (like situations like this), from that , I'll tell you that when a kid sees something that maybe and adult wont pay attention or will forget about it fast, it stays in his mind and as soon as he sees something that is similar to it he will start to compare ( your kid is very intelligent because only those kin of kids can do it so precisely), please try to fight away from the kids because this could affect his personality( if fights are frequent), otherwise sit down with him and your wife to tell him that sometimes people get mad at each other but it is normal and explain why it happened , find a away that he'll change the perspective of a mommy get mad, and she's going to be mad at the daddy, Good Luck! :)

Answer 7

It really depends on how big your parents are. I know many people that have grown a couple more inches and lost some baby fat and they are as skinny as any of us. I would really have to see a picture of you to know for sure. Either way it probably wouldn't hurt to exercise. Circuit is the best (such as low weight do as many as you can in a minute especially like crunches) Also I got a thing that tells you how many steps you take that really encouraged me because then I would try and take moe each day and before I knew it I had lost weight. Remember that weight doesn't really matter. So don't worry about it to much. Take care of your body and get your exercise and it will turn out fine. I am a bean pole but weigh quite a bit lots more than most people would think. I know another girl that I thought was avg and she weighed 175 I would have never known. Not eating is the worst solution. I tried this when I weighed over 250. I would starve myself and then eat lots then gain more weight. Then I started to exercise and ate more than I ever had and lost lots of weight. You don't have to walk/jog or be in the weight room to exercise. Swimming is a great one, basketball, volleyball, dancing, even just take the long way to class and you exercise. Try cutting down on greasy or fatty foods. It worked for me of course I never was down to the light weight of 158. I was at 275 and now reside at 182. Even when I didn't look lighter I felt better about myself and liked keeping track of where I was. Your dr. probably is right just do what you like doing cut out the greasy stuff and be more healthy conscious.

Answer 8

Young children don't have the ability to differentiate between today and last week. If you yell, scream and argue in their presence it will always stay at the forefront of their mind. You have a right to be concerned because the messages that your children are receiving is that this is acceptable behavior. When in fact blowing up and throwing things out of anger is the opposite of a healthy response.

As parents we are charged with the responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. We have to instill good morals, values and principals in them so that when they go out into the world they will become caring, compassionate, productive human beings. Now, imagine your son going to school and throwing a desk when the teacher makes him angry. Or imagine him at 25 cussing out his boss because he's angry. Imagine him verbally abusing his spouse because he was angry and didn't know how to control himself.

We have to be very careful of the messages that we send to our children. They learn by example which means that they place more value on our actions than our words. Both of you need to learn to shield your children from your anger and arguments. These are vulnerable, impressionable young people who don't have the emotional foresight to understand what is happening with you two and they don't deserve to placed in the middle of your shouting matches.

For the safety of the children, please find another way to handle your anger and show your children that it's okay to be mad, but there are healthier ways to vent your frustration without going ballistic.
Good luck.

Answer 9

It is her problem and yours too . Children learn at a young age the way of life and it can be damadgeing. Disfunction is not good unfortunately it is very common in families. Time to relearn how to communicate w/ your spouse & let your son know you both made mistakes in the way you both handeled the situation.. Did u tell the son about the note? At the time of the incident in a calm voice you should have said....Please do not disrepect me& she should have seen , apologized for getting out of control at the time. Basically that part should have NEVER happened... .Fighting in front of kids is bad ...Fighting is bad period.... but there is a way to learn how to disagree when you do ...compromise on the issues..... You can get your point across w/o " out of control behavior..".. Pick & choose your disagreements very wisely ....... Take life as it is always changing ,,,,, good luck..

Answer 10

Children learn by example. It will be her problem when your 3 year old is at preschool and does not get his way and starts yelling and throwing things at his friends and teachers.
You have to be a good role model and I believe would benefit from anger management.
I am also concerned is this a new outburst of yelling and throwing things? Or a regular occurence in your house. If it is a new emotion, could possibly be post partum depression. I think this is a more serious issue.