How do I not HATE my husbands ex wife?

Question

My husbands ex wife has done everything on the face of the earth to make our lives miserable. I have from day one bent over backwards to be nice to her and take her feelings into account no matter how it hurt me. I have gone so far as to put her child before my own at times to help things out. Yet she still will not rest untill she makes our live hell. How do I not hate her and let it show around my step daugher?

First off he divorced her a long time ago way before me. As for her she does everything to hurt us that she can. Our love and marraige is very strong and that is not the issue. When she hurts my husband or upsets him then she hurts and upsets me. She has done some horrible things to us and continues to do them. I have no more contact with her but, she is in our lives every single day due to my step daugher. I just cant understand why no matter what we do for her she cant just move on and be happy. Its sad that she is so unhappy.

Answer 1

April, like you told me about my situation...Turn it over to God and pray for a change in your attitude. You KNOW that I know it is hard as hell...esp. when the stepchild/stepchildren that you love are the ones that are suffering at the hands of the psychotic baby mother...But God is good all the time and ALL the time, God is good. It isn't doing us any good, mentally, physically, or spiritually, to hate the b*tches.;)
Love you!

Answer 2

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Answer 3

It all depends on who left the marriage and why in most cases like this. If the husband leaves then in some cases the ex-wife will see the new wife as the problem. Especially if she is on her own and is experiencing financial deprivation, real or not.
I would recommend mediation in a situation like this. This is where you all get together with an experienced realtionship counsellor to work out how you can all interact with each other in a positive manner for all the children involved.
Discuss with your husband as to what can be done to reduce the amount of personal contact with his ex within your family unit can be worked out. Men are notorious for not 'seeing' what is the problem between 2 females and it is no big deal to them.
If all of this is not an option take yourself off to counselling to learn coping mechanisms and strategies for your self.
It is important to not vent your feelings in front of your step-daughter as she will most likely tell Mum and this empowers the ex to continue with her behaviour.
At some stage someone has to remove themselves from the emotional arena and provide rules and guidelines and this is what counselling will offer.
Hate requires time, energy and focus to develop and to be maintained. Do you really want to miss out on all the good things to focus on whilst you are 'hating' this person? Hate can also be self destructive in relationships. So think carefully about what is really important in the big scheme of things.

Answer 4

Just simply continue to ignore her. When she finally gets the picture that you are there to stay and that her being b***h won't make you run away...she will give up. Just remember that whatever she does to you has nothing to do with her child so never treat her badly and she won't hate you. Keep on reminding yourself that you are the wife now and that your husband loves you or he would still be with her... now you should also talk to your husband (if you haven't already) and explain to him that she is driving you crazy. Tell him that you don't want to hate her but that she is going over the limit there must be something he can do to get her to act like a decent human and mother because what she is doing is bad example for her child. She is probably telling her child that you should ve mature when she is still acting like a child. Have faith, Lots and patience. that she will mature someday. Just be strong. Try not to treat your child lesser just treat both kids as equals. By marrying the dad you accepted his child as your own so.. there's nothing wrong with you treat her good... I am proud of you for not stooping to the ex's level... Show her that you are better and than you don't have to drop to her level.

Answer 5

I'm actually in a very similar situation myself, and it's been so hard to get over all the pain she's caused. In all honesty I can't say I'm completely over it, because I still have to fight down all that baggage whenever I see her name on the caller id. It's been a lot easier, because she recently got pregnant, and because of her history with pregnancy, I've been much more sympathetic towards her. In the end, we don't speak, she hates me, but now, when she says something spiteful, I just take it for what it is. She's not over it. That's her problem. When I get frustrated I take deep breaths and do something to distract myself, like put on a movie that I can only watch in fuzzy slippers lol. It's important not to have your stepdaughter come into the line of fire, kids shouldn't have to deal with their parents issues. If your hubbies ex is still lookin for a fight, maybe you or your hubby should have a chat with her and explain how immature it is to be putting her petty issues before her child's interest. And if she doesn't think it's a big deal, I'm sure a lawyer will, especially if it's really as bad as it sounds.
But in the end, if you can't get something to change, I'd recommend family therapy. Because these issues need to be worked out, and if she's there to stay, sometimes you just have to learn to live together. I really really hope this helps, because I feel for you. If you ever need someone to chat with about it, please feel free to email me. Best of luck!

Answer 6

first of all the step child as you call it ,she's nothing to you ,not even step child ,she belongs to the ex and your husband .
i don't understand how can someone come between you and your man ,if the foundation is strong ,she should not affect a bit in your relationship ,there's a reason she's an ex .
why in the hell you letting someone walk all over you ,and your household.
be strong ,and stay strong with your conviction's ,but stay out of their daughter 's lives's ,that's for theme both to decide ,how ,and when .the judge's will say the same thing to you ,been there ,done that ,and the Ex lost .
don't use the child as a pawn.

Answer 7

How would hating her make you feel about yourself? How would it make you a better person? How would it move anything towards a better place in your life or in your relationship with her (or anyone else related to her)?

Aside from her & how she affects your lives, you are happy, proud of how you're living, optimistic, self-confident, right? Your life is good (except for the parts where she intersects it), isn't it?

Now, how is her life? In comparison. Not counting the parts where your lives intersect...

Sucks, doesn't it? She hates herself & the situation she's in. She's out of control, doing things that she can't possibly be proud of, destructive negative things that do nothing to make her & her life any better in any kind of real way, right?

Feel sorry for her. Continue to live well. Treat her with compassion, but don't give in on anything that would leave you feeling truly compromised or that would hurt your stepdaughter's relationship with her father in any lasting way. Be the good person who you want to be, no matter how she behaves. Don't sink to her level. That would leave you both down there & leave one less role model of civil behavior for all of the children in your life.

Imagine this. Imagine your child asked you how you felt about his sister's mother. How would you respond to your child? Remember that your child is perceptive & will not only hear what you say in response to this, but watch how you act and hear how you sound. Pretend like your child is always watching you, when you're thinking about or talking about his sister's mother.

In private, you & your husband should be able to laugh at her bizarre behavior -and- feel compassion for her all at the same time. This time will pass. Your stepdaughter will grow up & your contact with her mother will become less & less over the years. Don't let her taint this short time that the two of you have now while the children are young.


Oh... And regarding 'putting her child before your own'. Her child is your husband's child. Both children are his (right?). Sometimes one child's needs in a family simply are more important than another childs in the same family and do need to be put before the others.

Keep on remembering that, to your husband, both children are 'his own'.

Answer 8

I still love my ex. But after 9 years of a horrible marriage, I know that the relationship was horrible and that it was not worth the pain and misery. When I talk to her, I realize that it will never work out and that I'm happier not having that stress in my life. I don't blame her for the marriage not working out. The simple fact is you need to realize who it is you are marrying with a reasonable and realistic expectation of them. Expecting them to change who they are to make you happy is unfair and unreasonable. At the same time, them having unreasonable and unfair expectations for you will make you just as miserable. The bottom line is. If you and your spouse can't live with and love each other for who they are and accept that, then you should end that relationship and find someone who can and will make you happy. I still love my ex because she is one of my best friends. But I do not want to be married to her any more.

Answer 9

Am I hateful to my ex husbands fiance? No. Do I hate her, yes. I will tell you it is not logical but my ex was very abusive verbally, mentally and sexually to me. I hate the fact that he is now nice to this woman and when we have to be together at functions won't even say hello to me. I was with this man for all of my adult life and had three children by him. He hurt me mentally, financially, and physically. He has known this woman for less then 6 months and thinks the sun rises and sets on her. It makes me sick.

Answer 10

This is a matter between your husband and his x wife. He is going to have to be the one to put his foot down and show her that y'all are just not going to take it anymore. As long as you kiss her ****, the more she is going to want you to kiss it, and the more she is going to make you kiss it. But this is a matter to be handled by your husband. It may just be that his x is just so bitter that she will never get over it....and this is very sad for the child involved, and shows just how childish, and selfish the x really is.

but leave it to the husband to handle, and get caller ID, so that when she calls, and he is not there....then you will know not to answer the phone. But if you do have to talk to her, and she starts raising cain.....then tell her that she will just have to take her issues up with your husband.

Answer 11

ooooo, I feel for you.. I did the same thing for about a year and then I finally decided, I'm done. I didn't talk negative to the child but I stopped walking on eggshells. I stopped bending over and I am much happier and she found her someone and appears to be happy too. Live as if she wasn't even in the equation and then if she must be there, make it by your rules. As children grow up , they know...they are smarter than us divorcee's think...
good luck