I've been widowed for over 5 yrs and can't seem to move on....?

Question

I just can't seem to grasp who I am alone....Anyone else go through this ?

Answer 1

There could be a lot of factors contributing to how you feel ... finances, friends, more house chores to do yourself, possible feelings of guilt or remorse, sizing yourself up in a new way as a single woman as opposed to a woman who "had her man", learning to explore new hobbies on your own, etc. It is usually a bundled-package?

My own situation is different than yours but similar in the sense that I got divorced and then shortly thereafter my husband was killed in a car wreck. Even though we divorced I still loved him and he had been very bitter toward me about the divorce, so I felt we had "unfinished business" that we never had a chance to address. I also discovered that he canceled his life insurance, etc. and we have a younger son, so reality hit me right between the eyes. I have had trouble moving on ... not away from the marriage but to a new life. I find that I spend most of my time working, caring for our son, figuring out how to pay my bills and doing a lot of home repairs on my own. I also don't feel as attractive because I've spent more time and effort surviving than in maintaining my looks and my health. Dating? What's that? lol

I don't know if what I share relates to anything similar in your life, but I thought it may ...

You might want to look into grief counseling ... something is obviously holding you back from moving forward. If it isn't for the reasons I've mentioned in my own life, perhaps it is grief?

Good luck and bless you.

Answer 2

I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it would be like.

The only comparison in my own life is a poor one. I am divorced. I did not want to be divorced. It felt like a funeral that never ended. Friends of "ours" gone from my life etc....

It was a long road for me. It seems like 5-6 years as I recall.
It was a mourning of a different kind.

I can only guess you are seeing something similar.

So the real question would seem to be... What do I do from here?

Get out of the house..... for one. That was the most difficult for me. But it really is good medicine.

I hope you are working. If not get a job.
Make getting a job, a job in itself.

If you are in a church and feeling a bit dry.... step out on the wild side.... Try a different church, Try a different on every week. Make it an adventure.

Go skydiving... For Real....

Take a fun class. Something completely out of the realm of what you have ever done before.

Love economics??? Well I guess I was thinking of something a bit less cerebral :) Try .....

Archery
Bowling
Skeet shooting
Fly fishing etc....

Don't let your age, appearance or old preferences stop you. Just do something very different.... Ummm, you may want to avoid bank robbery. Some people have just taken the fun out of that (Ha!)

You will feel better about yourself, life in general and learn new skills in the process.

Fun is out there. Smiles will see you through.... Some of those smiles will be your own. :)

Wishing you wonderful times.....

Answer 3

I agree with many of the other answers.
You have had a terrible thing happen to you, and since everyone is different there is no way to know how long it will take you to overcome this.....I am sorry for your loss.

Perhaps counseling or therapy might help you. Maybe you have issues or have trouble letting go...I guess a professional could help you to see what it is that is paralyzing you....Fear? Sadness? Loneliness? Guilt? Anger? There are so many things... and so many tricks our subconscious plays on us!

I wish you well and hope you feel better in the future. Don't give up on yourself...You are alive for a reason- and you are a nice woman who deserves to be happy again....Help yourself by getting help. Five years is a long time, and I'm sure people who love you are worried about you, too. Take care of yourself, honey. Ask God to heal your heart and mind. He is the best doctor around!
Good luck!

Answer 4

EVERYONE has gone through this -- if not the loss of a spouse, the lost of a child, dear friend, beloved pet, parents....It takes time to get your feet on the ground.

Start by getting out where people are. If you have to go to the movies alone, try to concentrate on the plot. Coffee shop alone? Get to know the servers, the doorman, the guy who parks your car. There are a million stories in the big city. Yours is not the only sad one. Dilute your sadness over your loss with the distraction of getting to know the name and the story behind every pair of eyes you see....

Answer 5

Sounds like you are going through a tough time. I have not gone through the exact same situation, but maybe I can help. First off...do you "need" someone else to define who you are? Maybe you should spend some more time with friends and family to "remind" you of who you are. (Before you were widowed). Reintroduce yourself to familiar hobbies, pastimes. Second, moving on takes time. It's different for everyone. When the time is right, it will just happen. Probably without you even noticing! Good luck :-)

Answer 6

I didn`t lose my wife through death .I lost her because the Marriage died .I have the opposite problem as you . I found that I am a good person ,I'm bright ,caring ,funny,honest and trustworthy .I went through 13 years of hell when my ex developed mental problems .The first ten years were great .She tore down my self esteem ,my friends ,my family and stole all my assets .This is what led to the divorce .You were most likely a very good wife who " Lost " herself taking care of others .Now that you are alone ,you should reflect on all the good memories and cherished times you had .The real you is waiting to come out again .Be your own best friend and do what PLEASES YOU now .
Good luck and happiness .

Answer 7

All I can say evenlyn...before you can move on and perhaps enter into a new relationship, you have to find a completeness within you. No man can make a woman complete... she must be complete on her own. But a man can enhance a womans life and vica versa... Don't let your identity crisis drive your future. Start doing things that you've always wanted to do. Acquire interests and hobbies etc... one day you will wake up and say...wow I have moved on...but it will take time. I think you may currently be struggling because you only identified yourself as half of a couple...but there is a whole you in there...

Answer 8

You shouldn't seclude yourself right now. You need to be in the company of friends and family. Start entertaining at your home. And as hard as it maybe to do, you should start dating again. I mean 5 years is a long time to be alone. If only casual dating. Everyone needs companionship, especially if you are use to it. I'm sure there are many men going through the same thing. You need someone that understands what you are going through.

Check out this website
http://www.widowsorwidowers.com

Answer 9

I ask this seriously and with no sarcasm:

Who were you before you met your husband?

Do you now define yourself as "Evelyn the Widow"?

Do you have any friends to spend time with?
Try to go out and have some fun (hard I know) and see what interests you have.

You don't need a man to be complete but you DO need to move on. Your husband would not be happy seeing you struggle to live without him, would he?

Don't put pressure on yourself to "find yourself", just LIVE!

Answer 10

You are feeling guilty. You think you are tarnishing the memory of your spouse by being with someone else, but you're not. No one can ever take your spouse's place. At the same time, you don't have to re-marry, but everyone needs some type of companionship. No one wants to grow old alone. I'm sure your late spouse would give you their blessing if they could.