Why is my wife a totally different person after having a child?

Question

We have a wonderful 8-month-old son and as you can imagine life for us has changed quite a bit since his arrival. I do understand that my wife must be experiencing a whole range of new emotions and responsibilities for the first time, as am I, but since his birth she has become a completely different person. It is like she has only so much love to give, and because most of it now goes to our son, there is hardly any left over for me. She is so cold to me, hardly ever asks how my day was, barely even greets me when I arrive home - doesn't kiss me to say hello or goodbye. It doesn't matter how much I do to help, it never seems to be enough and she seems to be always angry with me. Sex is non-existent these days, but that's not everything to me, I can cope. She barely talks to me at all. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, it's like I can do nothing right. What hope do I have to resolve this? I love her so much, but now it's almost one-sided. Can anyone offer me advice?

Answer 1

Oh honey, I'm so sorry to hear this. Please hear this - there is NOTHING wrong with you. You sound like an absolutely wonderful husband and you're doing everything you can to make your wife feel loved and supported. Your wife might be subconsciouly blaming you for this new level of responsibility if the child wasn't planned. The main thing to remember is how much you love her. If I were you, I'd find a good time to sit her down and ask her what's going on......be sweet about it and don't say "you're doing this" or "you're doing that". I'd say things like "I feel like since the baby was born we don't spend any time together and our r'ship has been the last priority. I completely understand our son should come first, but I don't want us to lose sight of our love for each other. I'm afraid we're so busy being parents that we're losing the friendship and passion we had at one time - and it only seems to bother me. Is there something I can do differently to help the situation?"

Sound good? I hope this helps.

Answer 2

This is where u should really talk with ur wife. I know that most men dont really do the whole "emotions" thing, but in this case it would be a good idea. Use words that tell her how u feel, and don't blame her. Let her know that u understand a lot is changing for her but make it clear that u are going through a lot too...if ur going to have a happy healthy marriage, then u have to help eachother through all the changes. Don't be afraid to tell her u want a kiss and a hug every now and then. Actually, it would probably help things a lot if she knew that you still desired that kind of connection with her. Let her know that even though you love the baby, there has be time for the two of you to love eachother as well. Suggest setting aside a time at least once a week to be together. Put the baby to bed or let someone watch him and just do things that u enjoy doing together. Get re-aquainted without talking about ur little bundle of joy the entire time. Ur wife needs to know u love her as much as u need her to show u she loves you. U give her everything u want for yourself from her I promise she will apprieciate the effort you are putting in and she will reciprocate....best of luck!! and Congrats on the new baby!

Answer 3

My assumption is that your wife stays home with your son. It is very difficult being the primary caregiver of a baby. Everything you do and think revolves around the baby. I know because I stay-at-home with my 9 month old girl. It sometimes seems overwhelming. Other times it is a joy. I would say keep doing what you are doing. Help out as much as you can around the house, with your son, etc. Try and be patient with your wife. It is possible that your wife could be suffering from post partum depression. It can last up to a year after birth. Other than that, if it doesn't improve in a month or so, I would sit your wife down after the baby goes to bed and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her how you are feeling and ask her what you can do for her to help make her days go smoother. Good luck!

Answer 4

Definitively sounds like she's having a depression and she's also very tired. Sex is the last thing on a woman's mind when she has a small child to take care of !

Perhaps you could arrange for a nanny or a sitter so you can go out and enjoy some time together, as a couple. Talk to her and reinforce how much you love her, and try to be patient...This situation is much more common than people think.

I would also suggest counseling or therapy, and a good physical check up. Her hormones may be at the wrong levels and this is serious because it affects her both physically and emotionally. Good luck...and congratulations on your son!

Answer 5

My first thought:
What were her parents like?
Many people who saw their parents lovey dovey every night but were reminded (the kids) how much of a burden they were can be in a great relationship but once a kid is introduced, they are conflicted with the "I'm going to be better than my parents" attitude and love their kid to death but dispise the father figure for the conflicting memories.
Other thoughts:
Another man is on her mind, whether it is as mentioned above or someone that she gave up on and now as a mother of an 8 month old and all, could be holding resentment that you have no idea why but she does.
Another, its just baby blues and you should see the smoke clear when he is in Kindergarten... sorry but have seen that.
Depression over "loss of youth". A baby is a sign of excepting new responsibilities, like it or not, and thus a change has to be made. How drastic was the change in your habits once the baby was born? Probably major.
My only advice is to get her to talk, communication is the number one factor to a strong marriage and sometimes that means sitting through the rants...

Answer 6

From a woman's standpoint (also a wife and full time working mother of 3, and also have an 8 month old)...If you confront her about her attitude, etc. she might just get mad at you and you obviously don't want that. Do you make small talk with her? (how was your day honey...how was the baby today?...did he do this or that...) We go through a lot of emotions, especially with the first child. Life does drastically change. She's probably tired. Have you tried having a date night and having somebody watch your baby? Maybe go on a vacation or weekend getaway and try to rekindle the relationship. Is she suffering from post part. depression? You'll work through this. You sound like a good guy who cares about his family. Hopefully she'll see that you mean well. Good luck..

Answer 7

She's feeling so many emotions right now and feeling the huge responsibility of becoming a parent. With you at work most of the day, she feels like she's doing all the work with the baby most likely. Write her a note just to tell her that you love her and appreciate all that she's doing. Offer to help as much as you can... get up when the baby fusses, change him, feed him, ect and offer to do it when she gets up to do it. Get her a card and some flowers. Maybe you two just need a night to go out. Get a babysitter or leave the baby with a friend or relative for the evening and go out to dinner where you two can just talk. It doesn't even have to be expensive- even if you just go out to Taco Bell!! As long as you guys get to talk... find a special day for you two to rent a movie and just have a night together once the baby falls asleep (maybe on a friday) Good luck!

Answer 8

You can go to counselling. For her, taking care of a child is a full time 24 hour a day very tiring job. You may feel that you're doing a lot to help, but from experience I can guess that she likely feels differently. You sound like you do care and I would suggest you go to counselling. Although it sounds odd, a great number of couples divorce due to the incredible stress and changes that occur right after a child is born. It should be a happy time, but often is not. Especially for new mothers. They are isolated from the outside world and have to spend all their time taking care of a newborn that does not run on a schedule. It is a life changing event and although the child is loved, it is very stressful and demanding especially for a new mother. Send her to the spa, send her away with her friends for a weekend. Send her to the mall, send her to get her haircut while you take care of the baby. Get someone to babysit while the two of you go out to dinner, go to a play or go away together alone for a romantic weekend. Sex is the last thing on her mind right now. When men are under stress, they want sex to relieve the stress. When women are under stress they cringe at the thought of sex and I guarantee that is how your wife is feeling right now.

Answer 9

So sorry for what your going through, but you must understand your wife's situation. Like what you said this is the first baby, things change esp. her. Have you heard the name "postpartum", this are what we go through right after the birth of the first child, lack of hormones, change of body chemical and feeling ugly and low self esteem.
In the history of a woman after birth, you will see all the change, none interest on intimacy, always upset (hormones unbalance) so much more. This happen to all of us,just like me, and all that you can do is understand her, love her, give her a lot of space and at the same time give her affection. Being a mother is very hard, at least your wife showed this sign early, there are a lot of women that will show this sign later on and sometimes it's very hard. Just be more patience and one day soon, this will go away.Been there, done it and I'm glad I'M over it.....

Answer 10

You are experiencing what a lot of new parents go through. It's not that she only has so much love to give, it's more she is overwhelmed. Yes, I know you are learning how to be a dad too, but honestly it seems that women are the ones that end up doing most of the child rearing. The only way you can resolve this is to have a heart to heart with her. She may not realize she is being so mean to you. She is just sucked in the vortex of new motherhood and all she's thinking about are her responsibilities and your sons needs. She seems to have forgotten about you. That is pretty common. Most woman think that the baby needs her more than her husband. Her husband is an adult that can take care of himself and he should understand that she needs to be with the baby. She figures when the baby gets older it will get easier, unfortunately a lot of men aren't willing to wait years to have their wives back. That's why a lot of marriages fall apart after having children. She thinks your a cad for wanting her to be with you and you think she's a heartless wench for ignoring you. There is a middle ground, but the only way to get there is with communication, and lots of it.