Should I call it quits or is there something else to do?

Question

What is marriage supposed to be like?
I feel so miserable, remembering the past and present issues, and even just the issues with him.
I feel like I can't talk with him, especially when he walks away when I'm trying to explain how I feel about the things that upset me. It's like I'm not supposed to get upset, sad, or mad at his **** all these years.
He tells me things and does things that really upset me and acts like he doesn't care, and like I'm supposed to get over it (all the stuff he says and does).
I don't want to see a counselor with him, because I've been there done that and I don't want to go through a third or fourth party taking sides anymore. I don't mind so much me going to mine and him going to his, but not together.
If I call it quits, how do I go about gaining control of my life, self respect, and some dignity?
If I stay, how do I get him to understand and respect me? And is there anything else that I can try (that I haven't already)?

Answer 1

Have your tried separating? If not try it. It will prove to both of you whether your better off with, or with out each other.

Both of you will be able to see things from a different perspective without all the hostility that permeates your home now.

Answer 2

Marriage should be the type of institution in which you should be able to talk your differences with your partner without any problems and once that's done take that issue and put it behind you and keep it there. But, sometimes your partner is not ready to hear the truth or doesn't feel that the matter at hand is not a real issue. This where you make sure you emphasize on the importance of the issue at hand. I don't know what type of trauma you've been through but being that you cant put behind you shows you where really hurt. That being said you always have the option to walk away from this relationship--you should never feel trapped. I understand you may have put alot of effort into this relationship but there is one thing you have to keep in mind " if your not happy, you cant make anyone around happy ", now you have to rediscover what makes you happy. If you call it quits, control of your life, self respect and dignity will come when you rediscover happiness. Start working out at your local gym because working out help you deal with distress. Its very difficult to have someone respect you, when this person doesn't respect for himself. This might be something that he may never understand, if respect wasn't there from the beginning, its going to be hard to train him now.

Answer 3

You can't "get" him to understand and respect you, that has to come from him and if it's not there, it's irreparable.

You mention the past and present issues. They have obviously always been there, so this is nothing new and unfortunately it will never change. If you are mentioning calling it quits it's because it's already in the back of your mind but you don't want to let go. When it's time, you'll know it, and you will let go.

Do not worry, because you do have control of your life right now. It only feels as if you've lost control because everything is up in the air right now. Please don't worry, stability, self respect and dignity is still there; but you just can't focus on that right now. Give yourself some time to heal. Good luck to you, I know how hard it really is....but life is much too short to continue in turmoil; you are on the right track and you are worth it!

Answer 4

Im sorry you're feeling like you do. Just to give you some insight....men and women are completely different in how we see life. Men are visual and women are emotional. That's just the way it is. If you can take a step back and look at the things you need right now and how to get him to see eye to eye with you without getting your emotions in the way, you'll be able to get a handle on it a bit. This will sound totally sexist and the feminists out there will absolutely freak outbut......I've been married almost 24 years and here's a key:
RESPECT! The one thing a man needs from a woman is her respect. We on the other hand need love. So......try this for 1 week (what have you got to lose). You need to compete with the dog at who can greet your man the best when he comes home at night. Meet him at the door with a big fat sloppy kiss......at least 10 seconds, tell him you're so glad he's home. Have dinner ready or started (or reservations). When he calls you during the day by genuinely happy to talk to him. Tell him you are so thankful for the fact he is providing for you. You may have to dig way down deep to come up with warm fuzzy feelings but I'm asking you to try it for 1 week. Don't nag him.......don't fuss at him.........be presentable, make up hair, clean clothes......ok , ok, ok, I know you are screaming at me BUT..... 1 week, only 7 days. See if anything changes. If not then.......but I can almost guarantee there will be a shift in something. Sometimes the shift ends up being in us but hey if it makes the marriage better!!!! Best wishes................

Answer 5

The issue you raise of going to a counselor is a good one. Definitely see one on your own. Find one you really like. You're life will be better, you will probably not be so bothered by some of the ways your husband interacts with you. You'll see your own life, past, present and future a little differently and maybe get an idea of his past too.

Answer 6

If you've done the counseling thing and he still doesn't understand or respect you, then he's on his way out and you should be too. It seems to me you might want to change your counselor if you still don't know how to gain control of your life and regain your self respect. Instead of pining for a man that couldn't live up to his vows, look for a new job, hobby, sport, group or church group to get involved with. Find someway to contribute and you'll be fine.

Answer 7

Life is too short....been there done that.
In the words of a song from the chilly peppers...."This
life is more than just a read thru"......that was my motto.
I woke up to my non existant life one day....I realised
I was seriously considering driving my car head
on into a semi trailer.
I walked out of my life. It meant a lot of sacrifice, hard
times, heart ache.....but for the first time in my life
I was independant, had self respect and really felt
like I was living!
We went to counselling, my ex and me....and my counsellor
told me......she could see I had already made my mind up.
I just wanted him to realise we were over.
I am now older and wiser and happier. I have travelled,
met a new wonderful man, and I live.
Good luck. Just have the courage and trust in your self.
You can do it.

Answer 8

I have been through what you are right now. We separated in the end. Our situations are very complicated. If you feel that you have both tried your very best and there is nothing more you can do, letting go the relationship may be an alternative though it is very tough to face. I still have not get over the separation myself even after 7 months.

Answer 9

well, marriage isn't always made in heaven, that's for sure. there are always problems, things that seem more important than yourself. forget about the past issues. if you didn't deal with them, it's too late. if you did, they apparently didn't work. don't rehash old issues. talk to him one night in bed. catch him when he's relaxed, tell him that you need to talk some things over with him. if he walks, let him walk. he may think about what you've said. let him cool off if he's mad, and try again later.

if you decide to call it quits, take some time for you. no other men, no friends (only for a time), no family running their mouths. just time to sort out your thoughts and feelings. think about what would make you happy. and start moving in that direction.

if you stay, try by talking softly, where he has to be quiet to listen. that works a lot. and just try to have an adult conversation, no yelling, no name calling, just fight fair. and if you can't, agree to disagree and meet again later for another talk. it may surprise you how it would work. just try to be patient. if he's making an effort to listen, give him credit for that. remember, above all, be nice. saying hateful things will burn bridges quicker than walking away ever would.

Answer 10

Its not gonna get better. If hes not willing to see where your coming from and at least attempt to understand how you feel its not gonna work. The longer it keeps going like this your feelings for him are going to be less and less till it gets to the point of you not wanting him to touch you. Take my advice get out now. You can start over. Dont get into another relationship to quick. Have some fun but be safe. Learn to love you again and someone will come along that will love you like you need to be loved. Good Luck!