Is there any hope? I do not know what to do.?

Question

I am married for 18 years. 6 years ago, he had a breakdown. It hasn't been the same since. We haven't had intimacy & closeness that we had. He was suicidal & I was scared of losing him. After the last time, I told him I did not know if I could handle it again emotionally. I think I must have build a mental wall against making myself vulnerable to the insane pain I felt going thru this with him.

It has just gotten worse. He is in counseling & was told he is healthy now. He literally goes to work, comes home, sits on the couch watching TV. We have 2 teenagers that ask me why he is this way. Weekends r the same unless he is golfing (his counselor told him its therapy for him & 2 do it as much as possible). We used to b very social & have lots of friends. He does not have the energy 4 that. I miss it alot. I miss my husband. He says he will never b the way he was b4. We are talking about separating. I miss the passion we once had but don't feel nething 4 the "new" lazy man. What 2 do?

I lost weight around the time of his breakdown. I was very dependant on him b4. I had to become independant and take care of him, myself and children. It bothers him that I do not "need" him. It bothers him that I am confident. It bothers him that we do not have sex all the time (hard to get in the mood when you have done everything all day). I did make the mistake of having a short affair but that also made me realize that I am capable of sexual feelings and not something physically wrong wtih me. I even went to the Dr. to see if there was because I didnt have feelings that way for my husband. I honestly do not know if I can get those feelings back wtih this new husband and he says he will never change and does not want to. It is just strange. Any help would be appreciated!

Answer 1

Go on a vacation or a cruise - just you two. You need to reconnect, alone, away from all the people and places where he's used to being in his shell. Without work to go to everyday, you both should have plenty of time to communicate, and re-connect romantically. Then, once the vacation is nearing it's end, you can make a pact to keep the fire burning once you return home. It will make him feel special and realize how important the relationship is.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

There is way more to this. Ever stop to think all that socializing, friends, life, etc is what contributed to the breakdown?

Ask his counselor if she gave the blessing of "Better". The new him may be what it takes to stay healthy and that's just the way it has to be.

If you can't stay in the marriage because of it, then don't. If know one's happy, what's the point?


Yes a doctor CAN and WOULD consider GOLF a form of therapy. If it is something he likes, it's beneficial(therapeutic) for him to do it.

What your husband went through being suicidal/having a breakdown can really change a person for the better.

The old him had a meltdown so why would you expect him to be the same and risk another one?

Answer 3

Sounds like you two have grown apart. You two are very different people than the ones that married so many years ago. That is very difficult. He is unwilling to change, and you are unwilling to change too. Both of you feel as if you have changed for the best. Maybe you both have..... But either way those changes have pushed you apart.

You two sound like reasonable people. Reasonable people talk candidly about their wants and needs. They seek outside help when appropriate. They both put in honest effort for the good of the marriage and health of the family. If after all this, they have not come to an understanding where all parties are happy (or at least content) then that is when you look at separation/divorce.

I wish you two luck.

Answer 4

It sounds like he may have a mental illness and to stabalize him after his breakdown he was put on medication. I am a believer in medication for severe mental issues. But I can tell you through experience that some medications can turn you into a different person. The meds are working but are too strong. Or he may need to get adjusted on something else. If his problems were very severe, the doctor may feel he needs to be given these hard core dosages to protect him and people around him. Inevitably, he is the person who can see if new meds or adjustment would help. It's totally understandable that you would feel how you do. It's like he changed and everyone around him should just deal with it. It's selfish, and it sounds like he may be bipolar.

Answer 5

From what you say it sounds like he doesn't have the desire or will to change his behavior. If you have told him what the issues are, and he has absolutely no interest in working on things with you, then what are you left with? He's using his personal issues from the 'past' as an excuse to be lazy and selfish. If he was really worried about you leaving, he would at least SAY he wanted things to change, but instead he says he's NOT changing. So then the ball is in your court. I would tell him this: You've stuck with him through sickness and health, better or worse, and you are at a point in which the marriage and relationship and family should be a priority, not himself. You gave him time for himself, and his attitude right now is selfish and lazy. If he really has no interest in changing in order to better the situation, he leaves you with no choice but to separate. You alone simply can't fix what is a couple problem. I do feel really sorry for your children and I hope they have other strong male role models in their lives.

Answer 6

My step mother had 2 breakdowns and she is now a certified nut! She has had 13 shock treatments, is on 3 different anti-depression medications, is on pain medication because of the symptoms of depression, sleeps for more than 16 hours in a day, and never leaves the house unless she has a doctors appointment.
My father waits on her hand and foot. He feeds her. He bathes her. Takes her to the doctors. And all the while he is dying inside. She can't have sex so he's a porn addict.

Seeing how my father's life is with his wife, I would suggest you learn to live on your own. His mental state should not bring you into having a disorder as well. And it's not fair for him to feel you should pity him and stay.
I say leave and find peace and happiness.

Answer 7

He needs to get somebody new to talk to. One of your friends husbands that he can golf with? Not for the golf though that is a side benifit for him. This is so that you tell your friend then she tells her hubby that tells your hubby. If friends hubby does his part right and likes being around him then you get better attention. If you have a brother or brother in law could work also. Just make sure that he understands that he should hint certain things. Once hubby gets started doing things with you he will have more desire to do more. Drag him out of the house to do stuff.

Answer 8

If he is like this I can't believe a counselor told him he is healthy now. And he plays golf and the counselor told him that is his therapy?

Dear, he is giving you a line of crap. He is not healthy. IMO he just stopped the counseling and decided to play golf instead.

Get him to a doctor and another therapist. Your marriage would benefit from marriage counseling also. You owe it to your children to try again to make this work.

Good luck. I feel for you.

Answer 9

Can you go to his counselor with him? It sounds like you need to talk to the counselor together and see if you can work out some of these issues. If not, this is no way for you to live, you supported him through the dark times but you don't have to live the rest of your life at the mercy of his moods. Good Luck!

Answer 10

um...have you ever been to his "counselor" with him? Because i can tell you right now, a) counselor would never constinue seeing a patient if they felt the problems were solved and b) would NEVER EVER EVER say that he should golf as much as possible as "therapy".

He's lying to you. I have to wonder if he actually goes to the therapist when he says he is...was he given any medication by this "counselor"and if so, does he take it regularly?

Something isn't right in this picture - you need to do a little investigating...