It's been almost a year & we have a fantastic relationship with the exception that he continues to let the ex wife get to him. His divorce is still fresh & I had nothing to do with it - in fact she's the one who cheated & she's still not happy with the house & everything - he took 3 items and is returning 1. Anyways - sometimes I just feel like I cannot put up with her interfering with his happiness anymore, but because he's going through so much, I will not and could not hold him respsonsible - I KNOW it's her - BUT - sometimes I wish he would just change his cell # and tell his kids (who are 28 &22) NOT to give it to her. There's no reason for her to able to get in touch with him. I feel so guilty for feeling as though I cannot take it anymore, I can just imagine what he's going through & I do all sorts of things to try and help him through it & he's appreciative - But I just cannot get past that I want it all to stop!
2007-05-31 08:06:43 · 14 answers · asked by martiek7 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Seems like you are an awfully big girl to be asking IF you should feel guilty. Don't you know that you feel what you feel?
What YOU DO about it is up to you, but feelings come and go.
If you feel guilty, so what? If you don't feel guilty, so what?
If you want him to disconnect from his ex- TELL HIM!
If he is calling her, tell him you don't like it, you don't see why it is important, and you want him to stop. Ask him to change his number and for HIM tell his kids to honor his choice to remain unreachable. Have him change it again to make his point.
Sounds to me, like he isn't done with her yet. Why would you marry someone who is still grieving, working through his divorce, with an ex- giving him hell and then imagine that he is going to just STOP! Why would he marry someone else so soon when he is still mopping up from the last mess?
You sound jealous. You can't stand for HER to "interfere with his happiness"? Why isn't HE standing up for his OWN happiness? If he was still having to deal with his ex-wife with their KIDS, would you put up with it? Yes....
He is a big boy. If he didn't want to deal with her, he could get rid of her, I promise!
Sounds like he got involved with you on the rebound, and is not done with his wife.
You may not be feeling guilty, but fed up and wanting to tell him to grow a spine, and are afraid to try to make him choose. You just might lose...
You are entitled to your feelings. You should feel whatever you feel, even if it is jealous, bitter, mean, forgiving, or hateful. Be honest. Tell him how this is affecting you, and that if he wants you 2 to work out, he needs to think of YOU first. He needs to let that other lady go on, or let you go...He can't expect you to deal with this forever.
2007-05-31 08:36:19 · answer #1 · answered by Lottie W 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she still wants to have some sort of control over him. I agree that she doesn't need to talk to him. Any issues she has should only be pertaining to their children, who are grown. She sounds petty enough to try and put her kids in the middle of all this crap too. I don't think he should change his number because this would put pressure on his kids to tell her no if she asks for it. He needs to stand up straight and say BACK OFF! he needs to say the words and stick to them. This is something he's going to have to figure out for himself, and I'm sorry to say, you're probably going to be frustrated for a while
2007-05-31 15:12:57 · answer #2 · answered by twosey ♥ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you feel the way you feel--there are no shoulds. the divorce is fresh--why did you choose to be with him when he has obviously not resolved his last. i know it is easy to blame her-maybe she really is the ***** of all times--maybe. but as you have defined the situation--HE seems to be the one with the problem. the divorce is final--she has the house, property etc. i can understand ongoing communication if the children were children--child support etc. but the children are grown, so why does he choose to talk to her at all? he can screen her out. she should get the message if he does not respond. and if he is sooo pre-occupied and miserable from his dealings with her--but continues them, then he obviously has emotional ties still. your actions seem more of an enabling sort than supportive. be careful--you are in a new relationship--this should be a time of excitement, exploration, getting to know each other, emotional growth---you sound like you are in the maternal role, constantly kissing his boo boos when his ex beats up on him. this can be detrimental to your relationship. he needs to grow up and concentrate on the relationship at hand.
2007-05-31 15:21:41 · answer #3 · answered by quiet 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Experts say....and my physiotherapist also says, that no one should get involved with another person for at least one year after a divorce. Two years is what's recommended. You need to realize that you chose to be in this relationship with someone fresh from a divorce and that it's very possible this could go on for awhile. Except it and don't let it get to you....and of course support and help him through this.
2007-05-31 15:33:14 · answer #4 · answered by Phil 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Why don't you show him tomorrow this question/answer post and then discuss it together?
If that's going to cause problems, don't do it of course.
I suggest that you ask him what role he would like his ex-wife to play in his life for his future, and see what he says. I think just having to answer that question will make him realize that he hasn't decided where the boundaries are yet, and where they should be, and that he needs to decide where he is going to draw the line and stop being a doormat.
2007-05-31 15:13:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have a friend going through a very similar situation. what you need to do is talk it over with him. Obviously this is affecting your relationship and his overall happiness. if it's over then he needs to do it himself. talk to him about the situation and tell him how you feel seeing him go through it alone. i know you are there for him but that little reassurance you give to him may be enough to help him to the right thing. good luck
2007-05-31 15:13:02 · answer #6 · answered by prof56 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would think that with kids who are older that there should really be no need for further contact. Why is he letting her get to him? He should just tell her to go "F" off at this point.
2007-05-31 15:18:32 · answer #7 · answered by Devdude 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Their children are grown she shouldn't have a need to have so much contact with him. She's miserable and she want you & him to be miserable too. Changing the number is a good idea, but she will probably get it anyway. She want to to give up and leave DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION.
2007-05-31 15:16:17 · answer #8 · answered by Truth Hurts 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Give him some time to heal, but let him know how you feel. Your right his ex has no need to contact him, his children are grown adults! You need to let him know how you see what's going on, cuz maybe he's not seeing it. Good Luck!
2007-05-31 15:13:53 · answer #9 · answered by CJ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you married to this man? If not, then make plans to move on. If you are married to this man - make plans to move on.
He can't let go of the past - which means there's nothing in the future for you.
Love, my dear, has nothing to do with it. It's just how it is - he is stuck right where is ex wants him to be - and if he REALLY wanted to move on - he would.
Move on.
2007-05-31 15:13:43 · answer #10 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋