I've been with Ted for 5 yrs, married over 2 1/2. We got together when I was 16, he was my 1st everything. We went through a lot of drama in the begining: cheating, drugs, alcohol, fist fights, etc. There was 6 mos where we weren't together or even talking & I got together with another guy, Fred. We only dated for 3 wks but we worked and lived together(he got kicked out of his house), so we grew close fast. Then Ted came back into the picture and I broke up with Fred but we stayed friends. Later Fred moved out & we drifted apart, then he went into the army. We still talked & saw ea other occasionally. A few months ago Fred came back from Afganistan and we stayed up allnight & just talked about everything. I knew I still had some kind of feelings for him, but I never realized how much. Then he told me how he felt about me & I was completely blown away, he never got over me. Ted's changed & did a 180 but I can't stop thinking about Fred! What should I do!?
2007-05-31 01:08:26 · 18 answers · asked by Sominare 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have so much more in common with Fred than I do my husband. Although I love my husband, I honestly don't think I'm in love with him anymore. But I don't think I love Fred. I'm not sure if I feel this way because I never had the chance to have a relationship other than Ted, or if it's cause I cut off a good relationship (Fred) before it had a chance to florish. I think if Ted never came back into the picture I would still be with Fred. Since Fred went back to his army base in the states I haven't been able to get a hold of him and it's driving me nuts. I know if I break it off with my husband it would completely devastate him and I don't want to do that. Should I try to fall back in love with Ted, or end it and take a chance with Fred even though I haven't talked to him since Feb? Sorry this is so long but I'm really confused. Any reasonable advice will help. Oh and those names are totally fake, but the story is true. Thank you!
2007-05-31 01:15:48 · update #1
And just so no one thinks I'm a horrible wife, my husband knows I still talk to my ex and is okay with it because of how strong our friendship was/is. He still talks to his ex occasionally for the same reason. We have an agreement that as long as we both know when we talk to them, there is no need to worry that the other is cheating cause we both know how much that hurts.
2007-05-31 01:31:55 · update #2
Soul Search and make a choice. Not fair to Fred or Ted to string them along.. What ever you decide to do then stick top it....You are still young and your views will change as you grow within yourself so keep that in mind as well. I do not recommend having any children any time soon, at least until you find yourself and which guy you want Fred or Ted or heck a Ned may even come along.... My point is stop rushing your life and Grow, It doesn't matter who you are with if you can't be happy within yourself then Ted Nor Fred with ever fill that void you seem to have by reading between the lines.. Talking from experience.. Good Luck.
~Angel~
2007-05-31 01:17:49 · answer #1 · answered by ~Angel~ 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When you get married it is supposed to be for life. If there is any love there for Ted, you owe it to him and yourself to work on it. Marriage isn't an easy propositions sometimes. I think the feeling you have for Fred have more to do with never being with anyone besides Ted before and there's some unfinished business there, not to mention he just spilled his heart out to you and that gives you an ego boost and it seems so romantic, which is probably lacking in your marriage right now. I think Fred represents what you could have with Ted if you gave it a chance. Start dating your husband again. Change your routines, flirt with him, buy some sexy lingerie if your into that or just start going to bed naked. It would seem you are just in a lull, and the only way out of it is to work on it with your husband. As soon as you start looking outside of the marriage, it will be that much harder, because you start fantasizing about what could be if you were with the other person. In reality, it would be pretty much the same as what you have. I say stick with Ted and work on that with as much passion as you seem to be directing towards Fred. You need to stop trying to contact Fred. It's not healthy for either of you. You both have to move past your brief relationship. You say that if Ted hadn't come back you would probably still be with Fred, but the reality is, you had a chance to choose and you chose Ted, now it's time to honor that choice and get the passion back into your marriage.
2007-05-31 01:32:00 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you're married, you probably shouldn't be keeping in contact with your ex. Does Ted know what happened between you and Fred? So what if Fred never got over you?....did you get over him? People always seem to want what they can't have and maybe that's why you're thinking about Fred. Marriage is the most serious committment you can make to someone. Stay true to your vows. Tell Fred that he has to leave you alone.
2007-05-31 01:16:18 · answer #3 · answered by smalls 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It is quite natural for you to be confused right now, especially as Fred has told you how he feels. I was in a very similar situation a few years after getting married, and also thought of leaving my husband, who I did dearly love, but with whom, AT THAT TIME, was not in love. Every marriage has periods where you or your husband love the other but are not in love, I think that is pretty normal. The reason for me wanting to leave my husband for my ex was because he had moved away, and so our relationship was never officially “over”, and I always thought that we could have made it had he not moved. I realized however that I was married to a wonderful person, who I did love, and that I was, more often than not, in love with him. My husband and I are still casual friends with my ex, and today, twenty odd years later, I am grateful that I never acted on my impulse, as my husband and children mean everything to me.
2007-05-31 04:19:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to spend a long time thinking about this. Fred sounds like a nice guy. However, you have been apart for a long time. People change over time. Even though you have feelings for each other. You don't know what's going to happen. You should have left Ted a long time ago. You say he's "changed". You don't say how you feel about him. If you don't love him. It's not fair to either of you, if you stay with him. You should not hold his past against him. Because he has changed. Lot's of luck with this one. You will have to make your own decision, for it to be a good one. P.S. In my opinion, Girlie Girl gave you the best advice. However, this is your life and your decision.
2007-05-31 01:19:38 · answer #5 · answered by Ann S 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I think it honestly comes down to what you really want. Everyone deserves happiness. If you think you'll have long term happiness with Ted, then by all means, stay with him. But if you feel you just won't be happy, and maybe happier with Fred, give him a try. I mean, if you're going to be miserable with Ted, he'll end up miserable himself and that won't be fair for anyone. It's really what your heart says sweetie. Good luck!
2007-05-31 01:14:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There should be no confusion here. You are married although it appears you got married way too young. You can't seem to figure out that you aren't just dating around in high school any longer. Remind Fred that you are in a committed relationship and re-confirm that with your husband.
2007-05-31 01:37:24 · answer #7 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know that It's a sin if you go away from Ted because of Fred... YOu are already married! Maybe tell it to Ted so as to be honest and Maybe Ted could help you get your mind of Fred...Get away form Fred now...seriously..So many people would get hurt!
2007-05-31 01:13:55 · answer #8 · answered by Leigna 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your entire problem lies in this single statement: "Although I love my husband, I honestly don't think I'm in love with him anymore." Married people fall in and out of love all the time. If my wife and I had divorced every time we fell out of love, and remarried every time we fell back in love, we would have been divorced and married about 10 times over the last 20 years! In marriage, though, you have both love AND commitment, both of which far outweigh the much more lite feeling of being "in love". Stop worrying about being in love, because that will return on its own if you continue to behave consistently with loving your husband. Start acting like a married woman, and leave your former boyfriend alone, permanently.
2007-05-31 01:23:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to stop playing with other people's affections and figure out what it is that you want.
It seems that Ted is toxic but you are drawn to his drama. And Fred is just trying to make it in the world.
2007-05-31 01:17:24 · answer #10 · answered by Ella 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋