"Escape"
Awaken in darkness,
Stars shining silent.
The beating of footsteps,
Sidewalk pounding and violent.
Cold, cutting winds,
The moon still chilling my skin.
Motions in rhythm,
Fleeing the costs of my sin.
Muscles scream with fire,
Determination rising with the sun.
Beautifully beaming,
Morning dew withering as I run.
Mastering want,
Ignoring the need for breath.
Praying in seconds,
Running to or from death?
Nature seeping into senses,
Familiarity passing with time.
Speechless forgiveness,
God in nature sublime.
Escape hatred,
Sweating my inconsolable heart.
Impervious will,
My failure, I fear to impart.
Miles have passed,
Bird's sweet, soothing song.
Desperate and needing,
Body pushes, atoning its wrong.
High rays refine my body,
The road narrowing to an end.
Self splurged against pavement,
Nature, God, I commend.
Earned the right to exist,
Can let love now surround.
Until morning dawns again,
Self once more thrashed against ground.
2007-05-30 18:25:47 · 15 answers · asked by Lele B 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Just for people who can't get my poem...it's about running. Getting up before the sun and running for hours until I've become enough to live. It's my fight against self hatred to clue you guys in.
2007-05-30 18:51:14 · update #1
I like it. Mostly for the economy of words. The problem with most poets is they try to sound like poets. You don't have that problem. Considering the poem is about running, and we get that without the explanation, that the short strong as it can get lines with the length of the poem makes it more.....fitting. I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. Poetry is always hit and miss. Some parts are great, others, eh, not so great but we're all works in progress.
2007-05-31 04:07:41 · answer #1 · answered by Bill 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps a re-write is in order. Don't give up. Try to imitate the motions and physical stress of running. Paint the picture, don't just try to rhyme. Maybe a little shorter, unless it's a marathon you are running. I'd like to see a revision.
2007-05-30 20:23:35 · answer #2 · answered by iroteb 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Interesting poem! So it's about running!
. . . you may want to reflect on the opening lines....consider
Awoke in darkness,
Stars shining silently.
The sound of footsteps,
Sidewalk pounding and violent.
2007-05-30 19:49:13 · answer #3 · answered by ari-pup 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a long way to go before you get as good as Robbie Burns, Rudyard Kipling, or Robert Service.
Doc Hudson
2007-05-30 18:34:48 · answer #4 · answered by Doc Hudson 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong!
2007-05-30 18:39:18 · answer #5 · answered by Nick Curren 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
keep thrashing yourself on the ground as it will be far more entertaining than your poetry. Its full of cliche and about as original as a ford truck.
2007-05-30 18:30:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love it! A touch long, but i love the way you describe all these feelings and scenery around us. Great job! =D
2007-05-30 18:33:29 · answer #7 · answered by Michelle 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like it, but the rhyme pattern is a little repetitive. I like the idea.
2007-05-30 18:32:29 · answer #8 · answered by Magical Ninja Koala 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I like it. It almost sounds like an advertisement for the Military.
2007-05-30 18:30:10 · answer #9 · answered by snshnbtrflis 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Don't quit your day job!!
2007-05-30 18:37:09 · answer #10 · answered by Ron Burgundy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋