I have known and been friends with this man for 10 years I had no idea he would be violent, he's 46 never been married, no children. At first every thing was great we share loads of interests but one day I was gardening {his garden!} when he arrived home from work no meal was ready, this was only 5pm and he slapped me I was so shocked and upset I actually went and cooked dinner and thats how it's stayed I do all sorts to try to not upset him and I try to be good but seem to fail, he dosen't always hit me but he can make me feel useless and can sulk for days at a stretch, reading this makes me feel pathetic, why can't I just walk away? I have my own house so we dont live together, I feel worthless.
2007-05-30 14:54:17 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
call a therapist you need help sweetie, you have to get out before it gets worse. I understand you may love him or have strong feelings for him, but remember this man is hurting you physically and emotionally. That is not love, that is control. He can't control his emotions, he doesn't deserve anyone. Get out before it's too late, you have to be strong, there is nothing holding you there except emotions. He will not change, that is who he is, it's the part of him you never seen.
2007-05-30 15:16:28 · answer #1 · answered by countrygrl278 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't walk away from this relationship - GIRL YOU SHOULD RUN! You deserve better than that.
He hits you, he belittles you, and he sulks. You have somewhere else to be, why not just go?
I know what your thinking - but when he's not mad things are OK between us. Or I really love him. Or what if I don't find someone else? But he doesn't love you - what he is doing isn't love.
Your just not sure that being on your own is going to be better than what you have now. But girl this is going to get worse, it always does. And as time marches on, he will take more and more from you till you feel like an empty shell, and he will rejoice in the control he has over you. There is no way you can meet his expectations, because every time you do, he will raise the bar until you fail. It is your failure that gives him a sense of power and that, above all else, is what he wants from you. And when you have no more to give, he will get rid of you for someone else.
Save yourself more heartache and get out while you still can.
There are better men and healthier relationships out there, but you won't find them while tied to this user.
2007-05-30 15:13:55 · answer #2 · answered by Barb Outhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry that you had to find out that your nice friend was a abusive, controlling jerk.
It's easier said than done, but you MUST get out of this situation while you are still able.
Abusers break down their victims, daily. The abuse starts off slow and only progresses. Abusers are manipulative. You were working in his garden, he slapped you, and then you went and cooked dinner for him!?! Because you stayed after that, you gave him the green light to keep on abusing you-which has happened. Emotional abuse can be every bit or worse than physical abuse. Your man wants to break you down, wants you to feel like you are stupid, worthless and that no one else will want you---then the physical abuse can progress and you will be too broken to leave him. Abuse is all about control...................you say you "try to be good". What does that mean anyway? You are an adult and should be in control of your life and do whatever you like and not worry about "being good" or else risk punishment. People who are in a healthy relationship don't withhold love and affection from their partners. In my opinion, you no longer have a relationship-your man has a slave/punching bag----you. Your man is insecure and takes out his agression on you because he can't lash out at others (co-workers, boss, etc). That is not your fault. Don't let him blame you. Don't accept that his anger issues are your fault. It's not your fault that your man abuses you.
I feel so badly for you for being in this situation. This is not your fault and you are not pathetic, you need help. Tell someone what is going on and ask for moral support to leave him. Never turn back. He'll try to win you back and will treat you better than ever, but don't fall for it. Abusers don't just quit abusing their partners without professional help.
Good luck to you!
2007-05-30 15:24:07 · answer #3 · answered by Susan D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you like abuse, is why you can't walk away. Maybe you think no one else will want you.... how sad. Abuse just gets worse.
If I were in your place, first, I'd seek some counseling and get my head on straight...... then I'd get some great photos together, and put up a great ad on Yahoo Personals.... look at those of other women that you like, avoid the obvious mistakes in putting up one. And if you don't have a killer smile, get one at the best cosmetic dentist in your area... beautiful teeth radiate health, and healthy, hon, is sexy.... the rest of it goes,,,, drop some weight if you need to, buy some great outfits.... yadyadyada.
Hon, the world is just full of really great guys looking for a nice lady... I'm sure I'm a ton older than you, and I had nooooo problems... left an 18 year marriage and found the prince on Yahoo... I wasn't alone long, sweetie. wanna know more write.
2007-05-30 15:03:02 · answer #4 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You really want a Christmas present, hon? Then stop making excuses, cancel the meeting, and get yourself out of this relationship. He's not going to change. For one thing, you're not going to be able to stand up to him in the conversation. And even if he promises you improvement, that's all it is: promises. They'll last exactly as long as it takes for him to feel confident you're not going to leave. And next time, he won't even be worried that's a real possibility. Why put yourself through this cycle when there are so many other guys out there who won't need a second chance to realize they shouldn't mistreat you?
2016-05-17 09:00:51 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You feel worthless because that is how he wants you to feel. In this state he has control. If you felt worthy you would not take this for one second. I do not care how long you have known him nor what you may have in common. He is childless and single for the reasons you state. This will not change. He lives his life in the absence of empathy and the moment you appreciate this is the moment you say enough. You have a lot to offer another more worthy fella - how lucky would a man be to to come home to a woman working in the garden. Think about it!
2007-05-30 15:05:23 · answer #6 · answered by Healthy Lifestyle Geek 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Read what you've written about how he makes you feel useless, pathetic and worthless. NO ONE should make you feel that way. How he is treating you is unacceptable, and you MUST come to grip with the fact that he is abusing you, and you do NOT deserve this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Get to a counselor, talk with your friends, and know that you CAN do this, and you DO deserve a happy life.
I've been there . . . I'm sorry this is happening to you. Pull from the inner strength you have, and you will know what to do. Then, do it! :) YOU CAN!
Take care . . . be good to yourself.
2007-05-30 15:02:50 · answer #7 · answered by Lori W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He has made you feel worthless. Its your feeling of worthlessness that keeps you there. You are feeling so worthless that you are thinking that no other man would want you. He has had 10 years of attacking your mind. He has worn you down so much that the feelings you are describing are very normal for a person who has stayed in an abusive relationship for any length of time. The only way you are going to change this situation is to actually cut ties with this person all together. You need time for your mind to heal. He has made you dependent on him....that is why you feel worthless.
My best advice to you is to contact a domestic violence shelter and talk to one of the counsellors there. She will be experienced with all levels of abuse and she will be able to make sense out of the way you are feeling. He has taken all your self esteem away, so you staying is not helping you find your self esteem. Please, please, go and talk to a counsellor who specialises in abuse. Your situation is not an easy one to get out of......this man has done a lot of psychological damage to your mind. This damage needs to be undone and you need help for that to happen. For people reading your question.....the answer is easy......get out. For people who know anything about domestic violence (which includes emotional abuse as well) then getting out is not as easy as they think it is. You need support....you really do. You need to find your strength, and a counsellor will help you find it.
You are not alone....there are a lot of women in your situation who do not get out. Sometimes though, they wait too long and they end up getting murdered.
If you are feeling lost and alone you can email me. Maybe just talking will help you piece this thing together in your mind.
2007-05-30 15:07:30 · answer #8 · answered by rightio 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
whatever u do, don't marry him. that will only make it worse because he will feel that he owns you or something. if i were you, i would call the police no matter how much i love him. he's an abuser even if he doesn't hit you a whole whole lot. when he is gone, go to the police station and they will take care of it. remember to not let him make you feel unworthy of him or useless or pathetic. he's making you feel guilty when you really shouldn't feel that way because he is the bad guy here, not you. hope this helped :)
2007-05-30 15:10:20 · answer #9 · answered by amallama 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok first of all it is HIM WITH THE PROBLEM not you really...you just have a problem it's called him!!..so now find a womens group...where i come from it is called DAYBREAK....so look up in the computer or telephone book a local support group...it helps....go homw change your locks and try to forget him...don't let him say he's sorry for the millionth time or send lots of flowers or start making you feel guilty by sayin "bitc* how could you do tHIS TO ME!?..they are good like that...evil manipulation...usually they see that shi* in their own home and think it's ok ....he is obviously working on your self esteem... try to remember how you were before him...did you survive all those years before him..you can do it again...try to be strong and break this cycle...you deserve better...and if someone doesn't come along right away...that's ok..be comfortable in your own skin...get busy...gym..karate...book club.Church...whatever gets you busy and him off you mind and back...but you have to be ready to mean it because you can't look back...now change you locks forget his address (and don't drive by) and look up local support...thank God he never breeded...reason for that!
2007-05-30 15:09:42 · answer #10 · answered by TWISTER 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋