Ladies, how many of you have figured out how to survive a broken heart.?

Question

Almost 15 years ago when I was going through a pregnancy alone I finally discovered a way to protect my heart. Hate! Hate for men insulated and and kept me safe. Unfortunately last fall, after 14 years of celibacy I let myself think about trying again. Guess what? I found out nothing has changed. As soon as I let a man in my life in any other way besides casual, VERY casual, I get hurt. Not just one man, NO, hell no, I have to let 4 of them hurt me.

I want my safe space back. I want my hate that insulated me back. I want to put up bricks this time and let no man ever get through again.

So how many ladies out there know what I mean?

You ladies are the best!

You have uplifted and inspired me.

Answer 1

Oh, Sweetie. I'm sorry you were hurt again. But spending precious time hating only consumes you and takes you through unnecessary and unhealthy changes. My heart was broken not too long ago and while I did despise that person for a minute, I realized that hating him was only hurting me. Those that hurt you are busy with their lives, living them. Don't let them get at you like that. The best way to get back at someone is to let them see you doing better. Phuck 'em and feed 'em flies girl. They are not worth any pain.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I have to agree with "in a handbasket" - sometimes I wonder if what I go through with mine is really worth it. I love him, and I know he loves me, but sometimes I want to shove his head into a wall. A lot of the time really. He never seems to get how he hurts me, no matter how often I try to make him understand. No other women or anything, thank goodness, cause then he WOULD have his head through the wall. It's far too much and too personal to get into here, but I seem to cry more than laugh. Maybe that's why I hang out on YA so much - it's the only time in my day, while he's at work, that I feel totally relaxed.
I can't blame you for wanting that hate back - my father abused my mom, as did all of her successive boyfriends after him. Finally, when she hit 40, she said enough and wrote them off altogether. She's been happy as a clam ever since. She doesn't hate them, she just knows she can't pick them very well!
I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope with all my heart that you feel better soon about this - I know it will take time. I wish all us girls could get together for drinks and a b*tch fest. I bet it would do us all some good!

Answer 4

Trite as it sounds, I found that once I reconciled my relationship with my father things got better. This involved absolutely no input from him, it was all my changes. I looked at my mother, saw what she'd put up with all those years, recognised that I was in danger of repeating her mistakes and determined that would never happen to me. Sounds easy, but it was hell at the time and took many years to take hold - not to mention a couple of episodes of major depression...

Someone suggested counselling - I think that's probably a good idea. If for no other reason than you need to find out what is at the bottom of your problems which isn't always that easy to identify. The work will still have to come from you, but the impartial observer can be invaluable in pointing out things you'd never realise in a zillion years of self-analysis.

Broken hearts suck, there's no way around it. But cutting yourself off obviously didn't work either - you can't hide from emotions, you can only push them down; the further you push, the more room they have to gather momentum when they resurface. And they will.

When the pain is a little less raw you'll be able to look back and find something positive in each failed relationship - even if it's a bunch of things which were awful, adding those to your list of danger signs and what to avoid in future is one of the most constructive things you can get!

There's no magic answer, of course, no guarantees. Every relationship ends - one way or another - at some point, it just doesn't have to be a 'bad' ending. But the one sure thing is that if you go into any relationship assuming you'll be hurt, then you will...

Answer 5

A separation plus both of you going to couples counseling might help. Having a third party to help translate when communications are not going so well is helpful. Keep in mind that counseling can be expensive and take lots of sessions. It's a long journey. I'm a guy. I get why you are paranoid. His actions have caused your mistrust of him. I'm not sure how, but building transparency into your relationship is key. I don't think you should give up your marriage. If this is the first time this has happened in 13 years, fight for your marriage. Work with.a therapist to understand why it happened and to figure it our. If this is the first incident in 13 years then cheating is the symptom of something else being wrong in the relationship.

Answer 6

I do know what you mean and I have been in that position. I had one man dump me at my own brother's wedding for my ex-sister in laws bridesmaid (getting dumped is one thing, getting dumped in front of about 145 people half of which are family is another), and I've had two leave because I can't have children.

Afterwards I pulled away for awhile but came to realize that if I hated all men because of them that didn't make me any better than they are. I decided I would not go that low. I realize that I have a lot worth as a human being and I didn't need them to bolster that.

I found a good man after all this and they are out there but yeah you have to throw out the bruised apples before you find that nice shiny one.

Answer 7

well sweetie, I think that it's a tricky thing. For me personally I seem to have a pattern of attracting "takers" and "liars" like flies to poop! I think that knowing that a man cannot destroy who I am makes it easier for me to love. In other words, I won't let the actions of another destroy what I know is beautiful about me. I'm a lot more cautious now and it takes a VERY long time for trust.....but I think that is how it should be. Trust is earned and it took forever for me to learn that. I always assumed that because I'm honest and upfront that others are as well...SOO not the case...You have a beautiful heart. Don't let any man stop you from showing that hon! MUCH love! :)

Answer 8

You know, it amazes me how men have no comprehension of our complex feelings and emotions. Okay, not all men. Guys, don't get defensive. I'm sure there are a FEW good ones out there.

Seriously, I feel your pain. I can't say I've gone through anything as bad as you, at least not yet in my life, but just know that you're strong and you'll be able to get through it. If you have to use hate and a deep raging anger for the whole male species, go right ahead. Do whatever you want. It's your life and you're in charge of it!

Answer 9

Yes and no.

Yes, I've survived a broken heart, but no, I didn't deal with it in the same way. I just try to tell myself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I think that God places people in our lives for a reason, and we always learn something from every relationship. Sometimes, it is hard to see that when you are hurting, but in time, I've learned something from every relationship. I don't hate any guy that I've ever been involved with...In fact, I can say I still have a certain amount of love for each of them. I love too easily, but the love doesn't disappear just because the relationship didn't work out. You have to forgive (if forgiveness is needed), let go, and move on. Otherwise, you are only hurting yourself. I am also the type that can remain friends with a guy after the relationship ended, but I've found that that is not always the case with the guy...If he can't be your friend, you have to respect that and let him go.

I never want to have a hardened heart or hate...I never want to have to protect my heart so much that I can't let myself love. I want my life to be full of as much love as possible!

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you, or if it sounds silly, but it's true to me!! I wish you all the best!! Take care!!

Answer 10

Honey, I absolutely know what you mean. I'm gonna send you an email by the end of the night, okay? I think what you're trying to say is that you're just "familiar" with the hate, and are struggling to learn a new and better way. Hugzzz XX